i'm already love addict

oh fuck. i'm so screwed. here i sit and sip coffee and get nothing doneeeeeeeeeeeeeeee :D weee. must. pack. stuff. fuck this shit.

hooooooooooooooooooold your horses tonight~~

ON SE KUMMA that finnish authorities (i.e. police, prosecutor...) choose to believe convicted criminals with violent backgrounds, rather than totally clean person. ON SE KUMMA. that when the fuckers have CLEARLY agreed together what they'll say in the hearing, the police takes that as the truth. just because their stories are identical. ON SE KUMMA. no i have officially lost the last drop of trust and faith on finnish police forces and any legal authorities. from this day on, shall something come along that would need legal stuff.. well, let's just say i will rather take care of it all my own way.

ogh. i'm so tired and stressed. my mother said some things yesterday, that were not surprising at all, but still they managed to hurt me. oh sigh. this apartment is a huge pile of catastrophy. i hate this. i get so agitated when i have to start using my brains like this. if the worst happens i'll have panic attack. gah.

shit the klock is too much. must go running to rauni's place soon. she'll take me to stables to say hello to my jay and meet with lauri about the stablehouse and the situating of my stuff. fuck i hate this. why can't this all happen with a snap of fingers ??? i fucking just want to relax...

sigh.

WE HAZ AN APARTMENT~

today i got not one but TWO phonecalls ! both from the same company, but about different apartments. so i pretty much had to decide on the spot which one do we want. fuck it was all hectic and full of panicky messaging around and waiting calls and fearing that my cell will run out of power. but we got it ! mauhahahah. i'm too lazy to make a proper hypeing entry about it but we will get the keys next friday 8) woooooh !
we're leaving to kotka soon.

and because we made delicious bananapie (which looks like vomitpie) and i'm cheery as hell, here's some vids that made me smile:

yoda !!!

bright side of life, i see it now !

v to the a to the d ...

yeah...

FUCKING YAY !

baby, did you forget to take your meds

i'm so confused and having all these mixed up feelings right now. all this mess with things is really taking it's toll on me. i haven't slept like really slept in weeks (heck, it might be a month already) and i'm hurting so bad all the time. being tired and sore makes me kinda moody and i've fought already a dozen times not to lose my temper and explode totally. i keep getting these violent flashes when i get angry, and i don't actually like it.
on the brighter side... well i might be getting a new job. just might. i really hope for the best. i'd make some decent money with that.
and tomorrow i need to go to kotka and clean my app. or actually now it's only the sorting and arranging and packing weekend. my stuff will be moved to the stable yard house, so i'm not totally screwed when it comes getting them somewhere before friday next week. i'll be heading back to kotka next too, maybe on thursday evening or friday, because then it's time for a complete cleaning of the app. i hate cleaning. but it's a must.

wine is good, by the way.

fuck i'm so in a mess right now. sigh, i'll just go and start cooking dinner. and drink more wine. peeling potatoes will be more hazard the more i drink. muahahah vittu.

everybody run now, everybody run

this week hasn't been the greatest. i've been feeling very anxious and agitated, and fallen apart nearly. i'm still insulted/pissed/angry about this one thing that was "said" on tuesday. i really have no strength or interest to take that kind of shit. you are not the only one who feel down and has issues, damnit. and you're not the only one who has the right to fall apart sometimes. are you really that selfish that you don't REALLY care about no-one but you ? or do you just not see how you act ? don't think i'd consider even for a moment that keeping you happy would be more important than me. if you can't handle that and get all pissy if this happens, well then all i can say is too bad. i've tolerated this kind of behavior too long and now i'm done. if you think you can just act like that and then after a few days be like it's all k... it just doesn't work like that, you know. the person in question, you know very well who you are. think about it, and when you think you can talk about it like an adult without going defensive and bitchy, then try me.
i wrote a long entry abt how i felt on tuesday, but i chose not to post it. like i chose not to answer that sms. which probably was the best choice, since i was practically fuming. it's just so fucking annoying. maybe i'm just too kind and take too much crap and give people too many chances. and oh fuck, i do know that i am a shitty person most of the time too, but fuck, at least i try to admit it, and change it.

yeah. weekend started fucking well too. our superior came to our bunker when me and tomppa were on a coffee break, told us that he and the guys are leaving now, and oh btw you will only have work next week, after that, sorry. have a nice weekend and all that fucking shit. that really stopped us. rest of the day consisted of swearing, going on a strike (we just sat around and cursed and planned the explosion of the warehouse....) and more swearing. i have a fucking week to find a new job. fuck yeah. talk about giving a notice early enough. i'm so screwed.
oh le sigh.

last night me and my dear went to borgbacken light carnival ^^ it was fun. cost a ton, but it was worth it. i wasted a lot of money on candy but ehehehh that's just something you gotta do when you're at LINTSI right ?? D__D
i think i should change into running clothes and go out. for a few hours atleast. hmm, i'd like to find a new place to run at. i've pretty much been though every part of ruskeasuo and central park. and i definitely am not running on asphalt and/or cityarea. i need the nature. it just seems i'll need to go further than before. maybe take a train and run from some station to some another ? who knows ! the weather is killing good and i'm fat and i've eaten like a pig and i feel disgusting so i need to move. if only the goddamn batteries of the mp3-player would charge themselfs a bit fasteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer. can't go running without music.

i have been DYING for a real rave for about a week now. and it REALLY doesn't help that i'm listening to tiësto and stuff like that xD shit, why isn't there anything super interesting and (preferably) cheap on klubitus....

when i get a little scared

back @ herushinki. mah girl is at work and oh well. i'm lagging... i should take a shower but i'm too lazy. i should unpack all our stuff put i'm too lazy. gosh i'm so lazy. since i woke up i've been eating. lots. besides that all i've done is put this comp on working stage again and ummm smoked one cig ? fail.
must put on some clothes and head to city center. visit ma dear at her work place (buy one gummy bear at time and buy a zillion, always take her cashregisterline XD) and jump by some fleamarkets. need new jeans and some shoes.
fuck i look like shit.
the traintrip back here yesterday was... draining. but it cleaned up the air and my head. i was really tempted to shout at this one rocker dude who sat across the isle next to us and kept staring all the time. like "HAVEN'T YOU SEEN A PERSON WEEPING HER/THEIR EYES OFF BEFORE ???? FUCK OFF" dude, really. if i cry, i'll cry and i don't care who sees it. christ i've changed when it comes to that... but that gyu, he was just annoying.
CLOTHES. NOW. ON. BITCH. U SUCK.

my wrist hurts like no tomorrow...

oh yeah ! it's my birthday today :D and satoshi's too XD woohoo. we're getting olderrr~~

when you are with me i'm free, i'm careless, i believe

i almost hate i how much i am absent from this place these days.. weeks... months ? i'd like to update more often, mainly because it's also nice to read later in life what i've been up to in the past :D and writing helps me to keep up with my thoughts as well. but it seems i never have the time to update anymore. i just wake up, go to work, do the day, come home and umm, after lagging i go back to sleep and wake up again after a few hours. yay. so much activity, it hurts !
but yeah. last week, or actually the weekend, i visited kotka, thinking i'd get something done at my apartment (which did not happen) and getting some things straight. i also had a ride with my filly dearest and ran into a moosebull. dear filly was so scared... she lost a shoe during the panic and hurt her leg a little, poor love. but it could have gone a lot worse. she's okay now, i hear. dear dear fillyjay<33 sunday i rode with lulubell, she was a dear as well. sunday also included cutting mom's hair and dying her hair too. plus meeting with larppa & helvi, for a quick visit to my app (mainly to get my mail and something small random stuff). it was nice to hang with them, even if it was just a few moments. got an invitation to come over for coffee ^^ need to go and noonoo larppa's kitties *__*<3
oh yeah and i broke mom's heart. like i thought, she had seen it coming, but it still broke her. all in all she took it a lot better than i thought she would... getting it said made me feel hell a lot better. lighter, you know.

on the other parts of life... hmmm. work, work work. i'm on sick leave now, my wrist sorta snapped last tuesday... hurts. we've also been looking for apartments, and had a seeing on thursday. it was a nice app, on 14th floor of this highriser (come one, it's finland, 15 floors IS a fucking highriser) with an amazing view over that part of town, sea and all. the place COULD be a lot bigger, but it was nice. we have no change to get it though, there were other peeps who are a lot more likely to get chosen...

AGH I CAN'T WRITE ENGLISH ANYMOREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

yap. it's not raining at poltsi today. i want out ! gyah. atm i'm nöreing on anni's comp, anni' nöreing on her folks comp and katri is nöreing (ok, doing her schoolwork) on her comp. such a nöreing type of folk. sigh.