where once was light now darkness falls

so now i'm here, at my girl's place. don't know where i'll go when she leaves for japan... maybe back to kotka ? gah dunno.
fuck i'm balding ! my left temple doesn't grow hair properly.... sniiiiiiiiiif. viil viil viil. in other ways too i'm having a huge hair crisis xD fail. the biggest problem is should i dye my hair black or go lighter again. gah. i know i'll get fucking tired of lighter tones all too soon. but......... it's hecka easier to manage. you know, not so much worrying abt roots and stuff... but black ! issues, issues, oh the issues. i always have issues. about one thing or another, more serious or lighter in sense. and they really don't get solved... oh le sigh.

oh well. we're going to sleep soon... mah girl needs to get up in a few hours so. yap yap.

i have cried more during this year than the 10 years prior. i feel like i can't take this much longer. i need to get away. i'm choking in this all and i just can't take it. the pills might be here soon again to numb me.

and a voice that made me cry

feeling like i do not belong. that i have no place in this "group". like no matter what i find myself looking from the side and being left out.

You are one of God's mistakes
You crying tragic waste of skin
I'm well aware of how it aches
And you still won't let me in

Now I'm breaking down your door
To try and save your swollen face
Though I dont like you anymore
You lying trying waste of space

My, oh my
A song to say goodbye
A song to say goodbye
A song to say...

For our innocence was lost
You were always one of those
Blessed with lucky sevens
And a voice that made me cry

My, oh my
You were mother nature's son
Someone to whom I could relate
Your needle and your damage done
Remains a sorry twist of fate

Now I'm trying to wake you up
To pull you from the liquid sky
Cuz if I don't we'll both end up
With just your song to say goodbye

My, oh my
A song to say goodbye
A song to say goodbye
A song to say...

For our innocence was lost
You were always one of those
Blessed with lucky sevens
And a voice that made me cry

i damn near had a fucking panic attack just a while ago. i fucking hate this so much. so so so goddamn much. sometimes i just want to run away and never see any of these people again. would save me and them a lot headache.
right now i feel agitated and would like to get the hell outta here. i'd need to be alone and think (which is really not good but..) and listen some music and fucking cry my eyes out. i don't know. i'll try to push this choking away and fake okay. i probably fail, but fucking same difference.

remember how i made you scream

i'm tired, pissed off, and totally not in the mood to explain anything to anyone and take the blame of something that really isn't my fault. fuck this. i'm going to alko, getting some booze, then somewhat drunk y/y ? =))

and I can tell you my love for you will still be strong, after the boys of summer have gone

hohohohHOHOHOH 8D

i have fucking been up since 5:20 am and now i stop to take a breath ! went to take care of the morningchores at stables. i.e. fed the pretties and took them out. mims came there with me. yuca was supposed to come too, but *krhm* something happened XD so it was just me and mims. she took maycon and i took my precioussss<33
we rode to kalmankuja, where pertti gave bread to the girls, vili almost stomped bioska and yuca decided to jump on a bike and come to the river with us :D vili seemed highly amused by the guy biking next to her, and shen we were on our way back she decided she wasn't letting juube go faster and past her with his bike. so she jumped up a gait and ran<3 mah baby was having so much fun ^^
when we got to katis, mims threw yuube on maikki's saddle and he rode the rest of the trip. he seemed so happy :D

GODDAMNIT ! i should be at kotkansaari already ;________; that fucking byrokratiapaska closes at 3 or 3:30 pm ! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK. i think i'll be forced to walk all the way to kyminlinna desu. blaaaaaaaaaaaargh.

i'm outta cigs ;___;

oh shit anni & saana are jumping to their bus soon P___P shait.

Pierrot - Hill ~genkaku no yuki~ ;;______;;

this tense silence all around me,
i'm waiting for you on the hill where we promised to meet
the song of prayer goes on, it still hasn't reached you.

the noise and breath in the air drift by,
i lost sight in a city where hope is nowhere to be seen.
no matter how I search for the answer,
i'm unable to grab you with hands gone numb with cold.

"i'll softly light up the darkness in your heart"
the hallucinatory snow freezes my wish,
so nothing can take it away.

so don't go to sleep yet, the wind is blowing on that hill,
wiping out everything.
surely there's still memory remaining in fingers which touched
colored in the bright light

the sun which exposes the reality,
the moonlight which paints a fantastical dream
and you, just standing there sadly, confused and left behind.

"i'll softly light up the darkness in your heart"
the hallucinatory snow freezes my wish,
so nothing can take it away.

so don't go to sleep yet, the wind is blowing on that hill,
in that familiar place,
surely there's still memory remaining in the feelings we're losing.
colored in the bright light.

"the hallucinatory snow showed us the unknown future and then disappeared"

so don 't go to sleep yet, i'm waiting for you on that hill,
leaving behind everything.
surely there's still memory remaining in the warmth of when we held one another.
colored in the bright light.

*cries*

you got your hair combed back, and sunglasses on, baby

again, i'm out of words. reading her writings, damn i was near tears. i hate this, and love this, being a total mess of emotions. 3 weeks will be hell of a long time.
i wanna go to new zealand. or something. i don't know.

"remember boys: flies spread diseases. so keep yours closed!" - george luz <333

i feel it in the air, the summer's out of reach

i'm heavily addicted to don henley's boys of summer.
and hot damn how empty this apartment feels after she's gone.
i should get the heck outta this place soon, my lungs and throat are dying. it's still raining outside, thought. blah. maybe i'll watch this episode of TUF till the end and leave after that...

what shall happen next year ? ^^


Sillä tämä ilta kävellään käsi kädessä
ihmisten edessä
Älä sinä muiden katseista välitä
sillä me ollaan yhdessä
Ne ei tiedä mitään, ne ei kuulu tähän tarinaan
joka harvoille luetaan
<3

remember how you made me crazy

yesterday i woke up to an SMS saying that we're off to get suvi back home 10:30. this was 9:15. hurry hurry. but now suvela is home ^^ after some struggling thought, she was very determined NOT to get in our horsecarrier. too much fun with the boys, eh ? :D anygays, anni came six pmish and yeah.
i wish i could drink my coffee but it's too hot ;___;

it's f'n fine weather outside ! me wants to go lay under teh sun <3

and we come to end of days

a question: should i dye my hair a) black or b) that beautiful shade of lightbrown Uruha so often has ? maybe i'll just go black. simple, looks fine. EXCEPT ! i'd need to dye my eyebrows and lashes too. shit. the "benefits" of being a natural redhead: your facial hair (LOL) is near invisible ! woohoo.
damn u nora, for putting born lyrics as your headline :D i just HAD TO dl born immediately and listen to it. and now i'm on a despa mood. damn. ah fuck i hate this band. they have too many songs that make me all emotional. fuckers. damn hizumi. damn all those guys. not really. come back to F-land puriisu kay ?

gah brain failure. i really had something to say. can't remember now. how typical.

how well does this describe the going-on's inside my head.... xD

bwahahah <3

when the seas and mountains fall

just finished watching fellowship of the ring extented version. gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah lotrpdgdfjgohidf<333
yesterday horseflies (paarmat fuck) tried to eat me and filly alive. evil evil nasty thingies >8( !! i have bitemarks all over my arms and my legs... riding is no fun for me or my ponny these days, stupid paarmas *hissssssssssss*
oh yeah. i bought this kulta lonkero yesterday, eves recommended it to me :D it tastes just like TEHO ! jollygood. but i still like normal lonkero better. hmm hmm hmm.

i still keep having these feelings of suffocation, anger... feeling useless and empty and ugly. i hope they will pass soon. i really hope.

i think i need to fix up something to eat. can't cycle if no energy.

Twinkling of Paradise

i wish.
today i'm not sick. yay.
and i have no time to write anything clever. should already be on my f'n way to stables.
but i watched more lotr extras today<3 fellowship of the ring, sniiiif. i wanna go back in time.
plus i'm listening to shinhwa<3 ah nostalgia. i hate this.

np. nothing by 신화 <33

pic of the day:

i absolutely love this picture. elijah is spgjiosgiodhg but this picture... <3 taken by viggo, as you can see.
... i use the "smaller-than-three" thing way too much.

fatty fatty fuckin' pigs

my guts are rolling around inside me and trying desperately to climb up and out my throat. fucking sweet. i already threw up once, couldn't help it, but no such luck that this would be over. there's food in the kitchen, spaghetti and some sauce which is f'n good but right now even the thought of eating makes me feel like running to the toilet again. atleast the worst part seems to have passed: i'm not deadly white anymore and not sweating and shaking that much. wtf is this really. i'm blaming the rice i ate something noonish.

i found a band today: The Underneath and their previous project or something Transtic Nerve. both are marvellous. the reason i ran into them is that taste of chaos tour. the underneath was there with despa & muccu. so i just had to check what they are like. and their vocalist is hot..............................

PLUS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ATREYU IS COMING TO FINLAND HOLYFUCKINGSHITSPAZZZZZZZZZZZZMMMMMM !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and mucc is along that ride ! october 12th ! i can treat that as a birthday present for ME. aaaaaaaaaaatreyuuuuuuu~~~<33

A-L-S-O !
why does hiroto seem to have a huge penis ? the bulge in his pants is huge. maybe in japan the small guys compensate their lack of height in other regions ? hmmm.

i think i'll go and smoke one. then lay down, because this nausea is killing me.

face the pain

i would SO much want to get wasted off my head. not happening.
that goddamn kaakki had kicked my filly's legs open again today. bad. i'm fucking going to kill that horse's owner soon.
gah can't write. brainfailure. fuck this.

AI PAPIIIIII~~~~

mulle tälläin tukka kthnxbai



*himostelmehustelkasvattelfledail*

i'm tired. i always am these days... no matter what time i go to sleep my body'll wake up no less than 12 hrs after. 12 hrs. it's fucking lot. but i just can't get myself to wake up earlier. like last night: i go to bef abt 2 am and today i woke up at 2 pm. i miss most of the day... lame.

blah i'd like to say many many things but blaaaaa vittu.

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"katsotaan kuinka kauan tammoilla riittää leipäkorttia"
osui, upposi ja sai tärisemään kuin helvetti. en tahtoisi ajatella heti pahinta, en tahtoisi vielä hajota ja itkeä. lähellä, niin vitun lähellä.
lululla on siis helvetin moinen haava takajalassa, koko jalka on turvonnut ja kuuma, haavasta valuu mätää. ei laske painoa sille jalalle, hengittää tuskaisesti. pajulahti putsasi, desinfioi, antoi kipulääkettä. katsotaan mitä tulee. se vitun topi pitää saada vittuun tuolta laumasta. ammun sen kaakin jos sen saatanan potkimisen takia lululta loppuu elämä. ja ehkä vaan hakkaan sen omistajan. ehkä kevyesti pieksen. ehkä saatana.
ja vililläkin jalka oireilee. oli ollut turvoksissa selvästi tänään aamulla. sanonko että saatana.

lievästi hajottaa, vituttaa suunnattomasti ja tekisi mieli pahoinpidellä ihmisiä. ja nyt tuli olo että voisin taas tappaa veljeni. sen nuorimman. ei vittu tulla lukemaan toisten tekstejä olan yli. ei helvetti tulla. kuulan kalloon tarttis toi kakara. tai ehkä jotain kivuliaampaa joo.

jätä pelko taaksesi tänään

oikeest mikä on tää että yhden lonkeron jälkeen päässä tuntuu raskaalta ? :D asiaan saattanee vaikuttaa se, etten ole tiistai-aamun jälkeen syönyt juuri mitään. ja karmea nestehukka oli alla, kun tähän lysähdin.
kuuntelen maj karmaa ja mietin, miksi en ole aikaisemmin tajunnut kuinka hyvä tämä bändi oikeasti on. aivan loistavia lyriikoita täynnä.
VITTU TAHDON KUNNON BASSOT TÄHÄN KÄMÄISEEN KONEESEEN KIINNI KIITOS !!
moshailenpa tästä turmion kätilöiden tahtiin kuselle ja sitten ehkä puen jotain päälle, ihan ilman mitään ei vielä kehtaa mennä parvekkeelle. ehkä sitten just ennen kuin muutan.

life is hell.
i would like to write down my feelings about the days i spent in helsinki, since a lot happened, but i'm too tired. it's fucking draining, you know ? to constantly be on the breaking point.
ah fuck this, i've got my long drink, tortilla chips, candy and the ultimate fighter. i'm a happy fucker for few hours.