twisting your mind and smashing your dreams

ho fucking shit, i need to be at work in an hour ! shit ima in a hurreeh. fock.

i want an acoustic guitar. and a bass. but acoustic just for the starters. i wanna play again. and i wanna learn to sing, like really fucking sing. ah shit.

tonight i'm going to come home smelling like old booze, and for once it's not because i just drank my brains dead, but because of actually trying to earn a few bucks. i.e. i'm starting this shit of a job at bottle returning place thingy. fuck, i really couldn't care less abt it. thank heavens i have the gs4 interview coming next week. i sure fucking hope i get that one. being a security guard would suit me so much better. yeah ?

i also can't wait for my f'n hair to grow. you know, grow, like a lot. wait wait wait tic tic tic toc !

the door cracks open but there's no sun shining through

it's times like these you learn to live again. bohoo foo fighters lyrics. but it's good. it's times like these i also am reminded of how frail this all is.
i just came back home from hippu (a bar/ restaurant near our house), after a nice hangout with some dude named kaapo and his friend juhis. kaapo bought me a tar-shot. damn it was good. i wanna go to ale or some place that's as cheap as it is and drink 'till my head shuts down completely. today i felt i wanted to drink so much i wouldn't even be able to stand up. but it was not possible, hence the fact that could only afford a beer and that combined with the wine i had drank earlier+ the shot kaapo bought me wasn't really enough to get me wasted. too bad. it would have been nice. the bad points of living so far from your friends = no-one to drink with and no place is open later than 2 am. k5-club (which is just a mile or so away from here) is open 'till 4 am, i think. but well... no munny.
that shot got my system wired up way too much. alcohol, my dear friend. lol. maybe i should just go to sleep ? i dunno.

beat that fucking meat boy !

internet crashlanded today i.e. did not work at all. that is, before i moved teh laptop in the livingroom/kitchen (i left music playing while i was out, it wasn't even loud, but you could hear it loud and clear to the stairs.... oops). and tadah, not only all the people walking the stairs have to no longer listen metallica, i also has net ! yay.
i finally got the laundry pass thingy for us today. yay for that too. and now, now i'm contemplating should take the allergytablet or not. i really don't wanna, because then... oh well, i can't really drink. and i wanna drink :D but as i am busy waiting for this bleach to affect my allergy is kinda bothering me... oh fucking well.
hoho media player loves bronski beat *shakes around the room* i'm counting on dtm in this, meaning that i hope they have this song. i'm almost certain they have it. i wanna danceeeee !
hmmm need to wash this shit off my head soon. and then shower and hurry to myrtsi and alko. mah girl wants booze. so me goes and buys some for her. such a fucking nice person i am, true true.
i might need to bleach this lame excuse of hair again later today... it will most likely be orange after this first round is done. and i hate orange. on my head. yeah.

this entry really had no train of thought at all, you know ?

and you're left with just a name

i wish i may
i wish i might
have this wish i wish tonight
i want that star
i want it now
i want it all and i don't care how

careful what you wish
careful what you say
careful what you wish
you may regret it
careful what you wish
you just might get it

then it all crashes down
and you break your crown
and you point your finger
but there's no one around

just want one thing
just to play the king
but the castle's crumbled
and you're left with just a name

where's your crown, King Nothing?
where's your crown?

god how i wish was born earlier. i've missed so much for being so young. a child of the 80s but no memory of the times. wish i was born at least 10 years earlier... heavens or something grant me one wish please ?

EDIT: oh fuck i just finished watching a year and a half in the life of metallica and during the ending credits of part two comes THIS (the quality is crap but you will get the idea) I FUCKING DIED. goddamn lars' got some moves (kirk's not bad either xD) ! i'll never go dancing again ! buahaaaaaaaa. my fucking day just went up in smiles and cracking ! thankyou, idiots XDD

dreams of war, dreams of liars, dreams of dragon fire

spent the saturday and sunday with borgir. i really had a blast, even thought we didn't really do anything special, just drank some booze, ate tons of fatty stuff and lagged front of the tv :D back to basics, i say !
yesterday when i was coming back home (or trying) the snowstorm had managed to fuck up the train traffic, so it was so so that the train even came... it was freezing and windy, and i was dying, but still i liked the weather. would have been a perfect weather to shoot a mv or something... hmmm.
moomi answered my mail, at last ! she doesn't have any grannyratties atm but a few will have babies during december and would possibly be in a need for a home in the beginning of the new year... i'm intrigued, definitely. must reply her when i have time and my brains are co-operating. now, i need to suck cafeine in my system and get ready to go. i have an interview with OPTEAM at 3pm. really couldn't care less. customerserving job is REALLY not my cup of tea, so to say. blaah. but i just need some kind of job, can't really afford to be too selective right now. fuck this shit, man.

gah.

hush little baby don't say a word
and never mind that noise you heard
it's just the beasts under your bed
in your closet and in your head

there's things inside without a care

whoopsie, so i got stuck sitting here 'till 2 am. reading a... *drumroll here* FANFIC XD like, how long has it been since that happened ? ages ! but it was a good fic. yeah. too bad i really wasn't able to fall asleep for maybe hours, booze and thoughts were running in my veins too fast, i guess. so now i'm awake and fucking cheery. and i just might be a little drunk still... hope i don't catch a bad "lasku" today. i usually don't when i wake up. buahahaha *hugo laughter*

ah shit it's chilly. inside the house and out too. i'm gonna freeze my ass here... thank heavens the job interview is at myrtsi, which is maybe a mile and a half from here. yeah.

today...... i don't know what happens today. we'll see.

plus, last night as i was rolling around and again thinking too much, i realised again how much i miss hanging out with whiskey. i don't know if she feels the same, but hell, i miss her. agh, i hope i get to properly spend time with her some day. yeah.

ah shit i should get ready to leave. can't be late. even if it's a complete SHIT of a job i'm applying for...

just as soon as i belong, then it's time i disappear

i'm dying for a really dark mood photoshoot. too bad that i'm not looking or feeling too photogenic right now. but still, a "professional" photoshoot would be cool. like makeup and all, lighting and so on. yeah.
what the fuck am i doing awake anyway, i have a job interview in what, 12 hours ? i should go to sleep, and definitely not be sitting here sipping wine (hardy's, it's really not THAT good, gato negro was way better...) and listening to metallica. definitely not xD but since when have i had brains ?
tomorrow, i think, i shall go to some gym and work my ass off. and swimming wouldn't do any harm either. my whole body is sore and stiff, and all this is not because i'd train too much, no no. it's because i have stopped any physical work i was having a routine with... must get back in shape. sometimes i disgust myself so much it hurts. most of the time i just push those thoughts back in my head and focus on something else. too bad that i have way too much time on my hands right now, since i'm still unemployed and well, do basically nothing during my awake hours. this all is really eating away the strength i had managed to gather up. too much, way too much time on my hands, way too much time to think. it's shit, you know ?

MAN do i wish i was born some decade and a half earlier than i was. oh the gorgeous 80s. too bad i'm too young to have lived those years the way i would've liked to.

i need boots.

'scuse me while i tend to how i feel

this week i finally got to watch the some kind of monster-dvd that bought a few months back. i really recommend it. not to all of you who might be reading this, because well, some people just can't get so much out of it. yeah. but. this made me want to listen to metallica again. i guess, in a way, metallica has always been a band that i've liked. from like the age of maybe 12. at times it fades on the background, but now that i think of it, i've always liked listened some of their songs, and now... well, my inner metallica-fan has again been awoken. there's something about this band that really attracts me. i'm not making much sense am i ? no biggy, those who understand, i give you a thumbs up .D i really had an idea how to put this in words but it sort of has slipped my mind. oh well.

yesterday i went to see that dark knight batman movie with my girl. i was positively surprised, i actually liked that movie. i didn't expect to, it's been praised too much imo. but i liked it. joker = <3
today, well my girl wants to party. i don't know how i feel. not really in a party mood i guess ? maybe i don't feel like going out in a group and pretending that i'm having fun ? because i feel like that's what it would be. or then i would get shitfaced and have fun until i feel too sick. don't get me wrong, i am most likely going to get drunk today, but shitfaced was not a part of my plans. what plans ?? i don't have any.
and what is this strange choking i feel nowadays ? i feel.. trapped, restrained, held back. i don't know.
i don't know ! that's the most used phrase for me these times. i don't fucking know. my head is just so fucked up right now. everything seems to be fucked up. fuck. FUCK.

okay forget all of that. yeah. maybe i should just head to the gym and pump some iron. beat the hell outta myself. that would actually do good. hmmmm.


Mama, they try and break me.
The window burns to light the way back home
A light that warms no matter where they've gone.
They're off to find the hero of the day
But what if they should fall by someone's wicked way?
Still the window burns, time so slowly turns
Someone there is sighing
Keepers of the flames
Do you feel your names?
Do you hear your babies crying?
Mama they try and break me
Still they try and break me
'Scuse me while I tend to how I feel
These things return to me that still seem real
Now deservingly this easy chair
But the rocking stops by wheels of despair
Don't want your aid
But the fist I've made for years won't hold or feel
No I'm not all me
So please excuse me while I tend to how I fell
But now the dreams and waking screams that ever last through the night (echoed between James and Jason)

So build the wall behind it crawl and hide until it's light
Can you hear your babies crying now?
Still the window burns
Time so slowly turns
And someone there is sighing
Keepers of the flames, can't you feel your names?
Can't you hear your babies crying?
But now the dreams and waking screams that
ever last the night
So build a wall behind it crawl
And hide until it's light
So can't you hear your babies crying now?
Mama they try and break me
Mama they try and break me
Mama they try and break me
Mama they try mama they try
Mama they try and break me
Mama they try and break me
Mama they try and break me
Mama they try and break me
Mama they try and break me
Mama they try and break me
Mama they try Mama they try

it's been ages since i last listened to sendai kamotsu, and just now i had most overpowering feeling that i MUST hear gay school XD buahahaha i love this band ! and i still very very very much want to cosplay them 8)) oh yeaaaaassssssss...

i drank a bit too much yesterday. i wasn't throwing up or anything, but holy fuck i sure felt like doing so xD this is just a proof that i drink wayyy too little these days 8( my tolerance has dropped like a ton of bricks ! boohoo ! ok, it's not so bad, drinking gets cheaper. if not counting the fact that i felt sick as hell, i had a blast yesterday. it's been way too long since i hanged out with mah girls like this, drinking, lagging, talking shit. nice nice nice. must do more often, yes yes.

the furet xl is coming home next week ! yay ! then ratties maybe before christmas, if we take some of tahmatassu's kittens *__*<3 gagagaga little teeny ratties ;________;

ok. i need to do something. damn that it gets dark so soon, it would've been nice to head towards elvenmountain x-x
agh anni found some old shinhwa cd's while digging my stuff and now we're listening to only one. gah it's been ages since i listened to shinhwa, too ! *shakes ass* bohohoho good old loser times with mims....

they say come with your arms raised high

In the middle of a gun fight...
In the center of a restaurant...
They say, "Come with your arms raised high!"
Well, they're never gonna get me,
Like a bullet through a flock of doves...
To wage this war against your faith in me,
Your life...will never be the same.
On your mother's eyes, say a prayer...say a prayer!

Now, but I can't
And I don't know
How we're just two men as God had made us,
Well, I can't...well, I can!
Too much, too late, or just not enough of this
Pain in my heart for your dying wish,
I'll kiss your lips again.

They all cheat at cards and the checkers are lost,
My cellmate's a killer, they make me do push-ups (in drag)
But nobody cares if you're losing yourself...am I losing myself?!
Well, I miss my mom,
Will they give me the chair,
Or lethal injection, or swing from a rope if you dare;
Ah, nobody knows...all the trouble I've seen!

To your room...
What they ask of you
Will make you want to say, "So long..."
Well, I don't remember,
Why remember...YOU?!

Do you have the keys to the hotel?!
'Cause I'm gonna string this motherfucker on fire! (FIRE!!)

Life is but a dream for the dead,
And well I, I won't go down by myself,
But I'll go down with my friends.
Now now now now... (I can't explain)
Now now now... (I can't complain)
Now now, yeah!


need to jet outta the door soon. off to visit our neighbor fida and the to teh UFFs.

my mind is playing tricks with me. one moment i'm happier than ever, and the next i feel like curling up in some corner and shaking in guilt and fear. fuck this. shut up head, please 'kay ???

dare you, dare you, double dare you

i NEVER wanna move again... ok, i do, but then i will fucking have near zero amount of stuff. ..... and today i had a job interview to this moving company xD buahahah.
BUT ANYGAYS. we are fucking home now ! this place is a royal mess but we'll get there. some damn glorious day. oh btw, i found out the reason why no one's ever heard of this as i went through the hugeass information pdf thingy abt this place: THIS IS A FUCKING COMMUNITY. seriously, these few housecomplexes form this community and it's a fucking tight one. plus this community is christian.... shit, what have we done ??? XD and this place also feels so much like silent hill that it's not even possible. the sun is shining but still you can almost hear the sirens go off and darkness starting to fall. plus our fridge sounds like those childlike stretchy faced creatures in the movie, you know the sound they make before they start to scream. buahahha. this is nice.

yes, as i was saying. i'm (we're) off to go through some shops now. trying to find some kinkyness ahoy colored bulbs for our lamps :D and i'm desperate for that leatherjacket..... and shoes....

i think i'll have a doughnut now.