been here before, couldn't say i liked it

do i start writing all this down?
just let me plug you into my world
can't you help me be uncrazy?

name this for me, heat the cold air
take the chill off of my life
and if i could i'd turn my eyes
to look inside to see what's comin'

oh fucking god i want booze. and i'm so sick my eyes are about to fall off. i hate this situation so fucking much.

new year is coming. i wonder what it will bring.

i run but it stays right by my side

ah fuck this.

so tell me why you've chosen me
don't want your grip, don't want your greed
don't want it

i'll tear me open make you gone
no more can you hurt anyone
and the fear still shakes me
so hold me, until it sleeps

i'm so fucking tired. and maybe slightly drunk. yeah.

can we please turn back time on my part so it's like maybe 1986-1993 ?? puhfuckingleaze ?

can i just fucking skip back in time a little ?

these gravely digs of mine will surely prove a sight

*cencorshipstrikes* oh fuck.

in hellish glare and inference
the other one's a duplicate
the queenly flux, eternal light
or the light that never warms
yes, the light that never, never warms
yes, the light that never, never warms
never warms, never warms

i just fucking wanna ditch this life so bad sometimes. i hate going numb like this. it's fatal, in the end, you know ?

where i lay my head is home

... or is it ?

eet fuck really.

aggh, i just want to boot my brains, ok ?

free to speak my mind anywhere

i want some fucking booze.

//edit: i fucking missed alko by some fucking 3 minutes. how fucking sad. so instead staying sober, i head to s-market and buy... BEER. seriously, i fucking hate beer. except corona, and even that i can drink like one bottle at time. but, alas, here is where hippu (WTF THEY HAVE WEBPAGES) comes in: i go there too broke to buy anything else but beer. and i ain't fucking drinking some lappari. so i buy foster's. geez, it's actually good. or maybe i'm just becoming so alcoholic i don't care anymore what i drink. i still won't drink red wine or rosé, no fucking way. *pops open teh beer can* ahhhhhhhhhhhh fuck yes. beer, you're my friend now. mmm-mmmh yes. muahahha.

someone get me a shirt like this:


christmas is coming, and haven't even noticed. so much for having fucking christmas-spirit. yeah.

but no one ever tells you that forever feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head

i smoke too much.
i drink too much.
and i don't really care.

ugh. i wish i had more booze.

remind me of what left is outlaw torn

both my wrist are fucked. whoopee fuck.

And now I wait my whole lifetime
For you
And now I wait my whole lifetime
For you

I ride the dirt I ride the tide
For you
I search the outside search inside
For you

To take back what you left me
I know I'll always burn to be
The one who seeks so I may find
And now I wait my whole lifetime

My Outlaw torn
My Outlaw torn
And I'm torn

So on I wait my whole lifetime
For you
So on I wait my whole lifetime
For you

The more I search the more my need
For you
The more I bless the more I bleed
For you

You make me smash the clock and feel
I'd rather die behind the wheel
Time was never on my side
So on I wait my whole lifetime


My Outlaw torn
My Outlaw torn
Yeah I'm Outlaw torn
And I'm torn

Hear me
And if I close my mind in fear
Please pry it open
See me
And if my face becomes sincere
Beware
Hold me
And when I start to come undone
Stitch me together
Save me
And when you see me strut
Remind me of what left this outlaw torn

Hear me
And if I close my mind in fear
Please pry it open
See me
And if my face becomes sincere
Beware
Hold me
And when I start to come undone
Stitch me together
Save me
And when you see me strut
Remind me of what left this outlaw torn

i FUCKING love this song. it's a true killer.

yeah we're of to parteeh :D

popoGÄÄpopoGÄÄ

post number hundred, this is ! yay.
my left wrist called in dead yesterday at work. it's swollen, i can't really move it and it fucking hurts like a bitch all the time. so i try to avoid doing anything with it, have it bandaged and am using this painreliever gel. too bad that it's really only gotten worse since yesterday, and i have work tomorrow. fucking hell really. absolutely couldn't afford a sick leave, no sir no.
hmmm, anni left to work, so i'm just gonna lag here all by myself (and girlies<3). maybe some wine, maybe... ah shit i need a life.

this thorn in my side is from the tree i've planted

so i didn't finish that previous entry. and i didn't get shitfaced. booh fuck.
but yesterday ! i took the insurance papers to teh office and now i'll just wait 'till they call me and jeee i gets a new fucking phone. fuck yeah. and yesterday, we also went to check the nearest petstore, to see if they still had these two boy ratties. they didn't :( we were all psyched up and ready to buy them when we went there, so it was disappointing. BUT feeling that we really need the rats NOW, we took a bus to jumbo, and lo & behold, at the pet store there were these two gorgeous girls ! agouti berkie and agouti rex irish they are, our pretties. i just asked some questions about them and their background, handled them a bit and then it was basically decided :D i keep referring to them as 9/11 rats (that's when they're born, september 11th)... seriously, if they were boys i'd change their names to osama and saddam or something. would be change too good to put to waste.
agh today i feel (again) like NOT fucking going to work. i feel so tired all the time again... okay, i'll probably spark it up when i actually get there, but now, all i wanna do is fucking go back to sleep. even thought i slept without a blink the whole night still feel like a fucking truck ran over me... fucking hell.

oh dear fuck, i need coffee and cigs.

come crawling faster

ONKS PAKKO MENNÄ TÖIHIN JOS EI HALUU =)))

yeah just had get that off my "chest". no really, i dun wanna go to work. nooooooy sir no. i just wanna sit on my fat butt, watch met dvd and get shitfaced. no can do, should actually be running already. fuck, i'm supposed to visit alko before work. think i need to catch a train this time, no way i'm gonna make it if i'm walking... fucking hell. but i only have half a bottle of wine and that's not even close being enough. fucking whee.

shit, maybe i'll just finish this fucking entry when i actually have time.

good day to be alive

here i am, @ kotka again. came here last night (for once i was moving early, not in the middle of the night....), ate myself silly, lagged in front of the telly watching all kinds of shit and petted the kitties<3 and ofcourse sipped some wine. today i had to wake up at 8 am, to get my youngest brother up and to take our little old grandpa doggy out. i was supposed to go and escort my mom from the hospital, but it turned out it wasn't necessary, so i'm just waiting for her cab to come here now. and after that i'll be waiting for one bro to come home so i can leave to stablesssss ! fillyjay, how fucking much have i missed her ;___;<3 i could have spent whole november here with her since i wasn't working anyway... booh, what's done is done, no use fretting over that anymore. what matters is that i'll have these three days with my prettyling<3

mghaisfhsaf. i know i had something in mind but wow and behold, it's fucking gone. my brains are such a mass of concentrated failure these days. the bottleroom must be to blame, i'm sure. yeah right. i fucking hope i hear from the g4s soon and something positive. even thought i love this brainless, physical work, i know my joints aren't gonna take it much longer. which really sucks mofo ass. oh bummer, just need to start going to some gym and pump iron. not really my cup of tea, hence the fact that i've NEVER been good at training by my self. i'm too lazy. maybe the security guard job would motivate me enough.

sigh i want a bass.
and yeah ! snooping through my brothers cd collection i found out he has not only garage inc. (which i knew he had) but also ride the lightning, kill 'em all and master of puppets ! and he doesn't even listen to metallica anymore... and i'm such a bad "fan" to say this, but garage inc. is really the only one of those four albums i like :D i mean, i like some songs out of those, but it's something about james' voice when he was younger that really doesn't love my ears xD i like the songs but only maybe live versions that have "matured" james singing them (OR JASON n___n).... buahahhaha.

okay enough of this bable, bitch, shut the fuck up. and go do something useful. not.

acting like a maniac

so to add to this all shit my travel card runs out of paid time TODAY. no ticket tomorrow. and that's just when i'd need it the most. if i get a fucking ticket i swear i'm fucking gonna start crying. i'm just so fucking tired of all this shit trashin my head.
fuck, i just wanna get drunk. or atleast drink some.


plus i still wanna get drunk.
plus i'm fucking fat. need desperately to do something about this. i disgust myself.

i need a change. a major one.

only do i not know the answer, i don't even know what the question is

ah shit how troublesome can life be without a phone. i have no numbers and the only ones i remember are mims' and eeppi's. not really helpful when i'd need to contact my mom and everything. fuck this.
agh today i really don't feel like going to work at all. NOT THE SLIGHTEST BIT. do i have if dun wanna ?? booh.
tomorrow i have the g4s interview. and i have no papers to give them. it's not like i could even call rane or anything. i'd need to make so many calls... and i can't. shit this sucks so bad. i'm sooooo screwed.

is it wrong if just wanna go lay in a hole and sleep ?

BURN MOTHERFURCKER BURN !!!!!!

so imah working man now. yey. shopping center/mall is where i spend my jollygood evenings, running around the parking halls collecting shopping carts and keeping the place in order, and at the bottle returning point, shuffling with the nasty stinking slimy old booze bottles. woohoo. i got the cart part of the deal in control pretty much perfectly by now, since i started my work on a day some dude got fired. meaning that no-one had time to actually teach me anything and friday+saturday are the busiest days of the week, so spent the days running with teh trolleys and tadah, mastered that art. but the bottle returning point stuff... ugh, there's just too many machines i'd need to know by heart and today was really my first day trying out with those. easy for doras (my co-worker) to say it's really simple, he's been doing that ages already... so i stressed alot. AND to make this day perfect, my phone is gone ! one moment (when i left for a trolley-run) it was in my pocket, and a while after that it's not there. chances are it fell when i was at the parking hall and somebody stole it (FUCK THEM) OR the more evil and nasty and crying worthy thing: it fell on the lines of the machines that take bottles and cans to these CRUSHING machines and poor poor phone dies a nasty horrible death. whatever happened, the result is the same: NO PHONE. i was so fucking pissed off when i ran around tracing back my steps and nothing. had to apologize doras a few times since i disappeared in the middle of a round. god fucking hell how much i wanted to start smashing things. anger management, this is it ! handling the trashglass bottles was helping to sooth my fuming a little (you basically just throw them in this container with as much of strength you wanna...) but still. rest of the day went on with this huge need to start breaking stuff/things(/people...). fucking shit. and oh, just to make things super cheery: my mp3-player runs out of batteries six pmish. so i have no phone, no music, nothing to raise my mood. so i smoked probably a ton and fumed 'till the end of the day. time went surprisingly fast thought.

i would SO bad want to get drunk right now. and all booze this house has is one lonkero (which is almost gone already). FUCK THIS SHIT. anyone who has booze, wanna come and drink with me or invite me over ? =)

ah fuck. maybe i'll just watch some kind of monster again.

shit, how am i gonna call kataja and sonera insurance tomorrow with no phone ??????????? FUCKING HELL. LIFE SCREW YOU GO KICK SOMEONE ELSE !