don't you think this outlaw bit's done got out of hand

after some "intense" googling i find myself staring at the picture of my future carehorse to be (if everything goes alright). HELP ME SHE'S 176 FUCKING CM HIGH !! XDD she's fucking huge... i'm so used to thinking that maikki from our stable is huge and she's abt 165 cm... woah. good thing i'm not allowed to ride immediately, i'd need fucking ladders to get up there ! woah. but the horse's name is taktika, she's a pretty chesnut blazehead with perfect long legs for cross country. the pic only tells half of the truth so i will see how she really is on tuesday ^^ can't wait ! but man... she's so big....... i think i really like smaller horses better than those elephant halves they breed these days xD but we'll see how we get along (me and the owner (found her on facebook......................................... u__u) and the mare ofcourse). on tuesday. yeah. shit i'm starting to get nervous here ! fock.

fucking burger king

aah. i survived the cruise, alive and well ! didn't get seasick, didn't get drunk, my cabinmates didn't get TOO drunk... and sweden was nice. i mean like the old town. gallerian and the other stuff weren't so inspiring for me (there were shops i would have liked to buy few things from but...). the walkstreet thingy had it's pretty parts (some random little shops in pretty buildings) but all in all i enjoyed the old town much more. which is not at all surprising. i love even the old parts of porvoo, so it's obvious that i will love every old town parts i go to. the conclusion being this: cruises aren't really my cup of tea. i really liked being on that ship, hanging on the deck and wathing the dark ocean<3 but the time spent on foreign land is too short. i.e. cruises aren't for me :D at least not in the way most people seem to like them (get shitfaced, be hangover while going to the other land... etc). i'd like to go and spend atleast a few whole days on ground of for example sweden. the cruiseship is a nice way to get across the sea here, that i don't mind. six hours just isn't enough for me. all in all i liked the cruise (i think i should write down more about it, but i'm too tired now) and this helped me realize that no, i will not go on the cruise our company is arranging. it would be free and headed to tallinna, but i really don't want to go and spend 24 hrs with drunk people. it would be alright if i would have a private cabin or something so i would get to actually sleep, instead of trying to, while drunken workmates keep me awake. i will go on a cruise again, but it will be different then :D

baah maybe i'll write more when i've slept some. yeah.

but me, i like sleeping

"it feels so nice to have your girl's warm back against your hurting one" that's something i thought last night when i was really in pain and trying to fall a asleep. she was so warm and nice<3
but still i'm so tired it's not even possible with 10 hrs of sleep. i blame this cough. gotta wake up now, damnit ! i need to be out of the door something 2 pmish. must get to mims's 3pmish. and then we're off to the harborrrr. i wish i had a million to spend, so this cruise wouldn't feel so difficult in a way. i.e. i have to really watch what i buy and eat. damn, i don't even have any kruunor yet. do i need those ? i don't know. on my bank's webpages it says that i can use this card abroad too. it just costs more. so i might not need the kroonorna at all. i don't know yet, must consult mims & juube when i get there. but hey ! i'm finally crossing finland's borders, damnit ! fucking 22 years it took. heheheh.
and damn i had almost forgotten the gig on sunday: shinedown. it was something that was decided really randomly, like: "let's go see shinedown, they have this one good song and that's the only one i've heard. here, listen" "hey, that's really good. yeah, let's go see them!" so nora bought the tickets and we're going. whoops. i still haven't heard more music from them than this one album, but it's good, so the gig must be good too :D the talk abt shinedown says that they're a great live band, so i'm counting on that. too bad that the volbeat gigs are sold out (i think?), they would've been another band i'd be interested in seeing live.
fuck i should jump up offa mah fat ass and pack. clock's ticking illegally fast again today. my bag's going to be so full of meds and stuff like that....

i'm a leading man, and the lies i weave are oh so intricate

2:20 pm doctor's appointment. before that (preferably) a visit to dear finnish bureaucracy offices. i don't have a fucking glue how i'll survive the next month. somehow i will, thought, i always do.

i didn't mention it here yet, but i got a new carehorse. i haven't seen the mare yet, nor her owner, but i talked with her (the owner) on the phone (she called me on friday morning) and she sounded surprisingly nice. considering the fact that this indeed the capital city area and the riders and horse owners here are mostly creamassed fancy bitches. and she made it sound like she's already decided that i will be her new horse trustee. i don't mind. the horse in question is a 5 years old mare, training in crosscountry, and her owner told she is a real mare, aka a true woman ;D sounds just like the horses i usually best get along with. so this should be interesting. the horse is moving to a new stable, 8 km or something from here, on january 31st, and i'm going to go and meet her on feb 2nd. i can't wait ! it's super nice to finally find a horsey around here too, because i always miss my dearest filly so much, and being around horses in general. and stable this mare will be living at is not even some capital city area creamass huge fancy sticks-in-our-asses-stable. it's a small one, just 6 places or so. and it's on the better side of ring III <333 forests, fields<33 i'm gonna be in heaven. no, i'm not allowed to ride with the mare, atleast not yet. maybe in the future the owner will let me take her beauty for little forest walks or something *_* the owner also told that her friend has a horse at that stable too, so if i'd be interested in having a second care horse, that's mighty happening. well we shall see how this goes.

boy that was some fucking messy writing... feel free to ask if i was totally unclear and/or making no sense at all.
i should fucking jump to the shower already and start walking. i feel sort of stupid going to the doctor now that i'm already feeling better (i think the puventol, which is this astmamedicine, my mom gave me helped to get my breathing not so blocked and the yesterdays high fever might have worked again to burn away the disease), but i really need to get some sick leave from work, since i'm definitely not in shape to push myself physically. see, i'm trying to be smart and wise about this, for once !
tomorrow would be the cruise to stockholm. i need to sms mims about it, i don't know if it would be fair for her and juube if go along and either cough my lungs out the whole nights and they get no sleep, or even worse, i give them this disease too. now that wouldn't be too nice, would it ? and i don't even know how stupid it would be healthwise to go on a cruise now xD heck, it might go so that i'll end up getting hugely seasick and vomiting my insides out the whole trip. i really have no idea what my body will say, since i've never been on cruise before. that's one more reason i'd really like to go. if i still feel as mellow as i do now in the evening then i probably will go. it's not like i will excersize my ass off there, no sir. my first thought was that damn, i wish the sky would be clear and moon would be up and the sea would be calm so i could spend time on the deck and smoke and listen to some music and marvel the beauty of it all. some might call that lame. most people seem to go on cruises just to get shitfaced. i mean come on, you can very well do that on land. and it's cheaper that way too. but hey, whatever floats their boats. no pun there.

okay this entry just got a bit out of hand (lenghtwise). i wonder if anyone will read the whole scrapledoo. ah fuck time flies. too fast. and my head hurts. sigh.

i am an armsdealer, fitting you with weapons in the form of words

my whole body hurts, i'm coughing so hard i can't even sleep and there's nothing wrong with me =) thank you finnish healthcare. you suck. apparently it's nothing if a person can't breath properly, pulse is racing over hundred per minute... according to that i'm just imagining this. there's nothing wrong with me. yay. too bad that i know my body, and something's not right now. i need to go and visit the closest health center today. i'm just not sure if it's even open (it says on their doors that they're open 24/7 but they weren't open yesterday, so...) and calling is useless, that only works on weekdays. i seriously don't wanna go back to that same place i was last night. maybe i'll go to maria or something, maybe they'd be a little more fucking interested in the health of someone. ah fuck, this all just makes me feel so paranoid, like if i am really imagining this all :D you know, i HATE going to hospitals and seeing doctors. mainly because it always leads to me trying to fight them to understand that something is wrong. and because it ALWAYS goes like that i usually wait for ages in case the whatever would go away by itself (and usually it works) and only go to see a doctor if i'm really feeling bad. or someone else (usually mom...) beats me to going in. i'm a stubborn bastard, yeah i know, but that's just how i like things. i don't want to ask for help, i absolutely despise being dependant. i have a hate issue here it seems.
i should leave already and try to find a doctor. too bad that search will most likely take me hours and tons of miles... bleaargh.

just the place to hopelessly encounter time and then came me

i wrote something down at work on monday because my head was so full of thoughts i didn't want to forget. i think i'll post that here later, when i have the energy to actually go and get that notebook and type type type. right now that's not an option. my head is full of goo and i'm coughing my poor lungs out. it hurts, really.
but yeah. at kotka, i am now. yesterday i was already on a little ride with filly (eve&suvela accompanying) and today again^^ i really should rest and not run around, but i'll be damned if i don't use the once a month times i have with my dear. just have to be careful to not completely kill myself. after all, i need to be back at work by 4pm friday. and fridays are hectic. i'm so gonna die. i kinda wish i'd lose my voice so i wouldn't be able to have the alarmphone xD i hate that piece of shit.
oh yeah. i'm headed to stockholm next tuesday with mimmu and juube :D i don't have basically any money to spend there, but hey who cares, it's a free cruise ! but really what is this, i've never been on a cruiseship, i've never stepped (or sailed or whatever) outside the borders of finland since i was dragged here as a little maggotbaby. and now i'm going on two cruises within two months (the second one will be at the very end of march and that's a company 10 year celebration cruise and fuck it's free too so what the fuck xD). weird.
i feel like going back to sleep. i have slept like a log that sweats a hundred gallons a night. it's not the best form of sleep but well. i need a week or so where i can just SLEEP. not gonna happen.
i'm gonna so die next month btw. while i was sitting in the bus on my way to kotka i had this flash: THAT FUCKING KELA BACKPAYMENT. over 350 euros. due february second. i'm so fucking dead unless i get kela to start paying me some money, so they could take that backpayment from those and give me nothing. either way. i'm so fucking dead. well, maybe not dead, but definitely broke. i.e. i won't be doing or buying ANYTHING on february. yippee.

well now. off to put some coffee coming and take the doggy out. damn, my head hurts.

and you want to know where the winds come from

whoops i drank a whole bottle of wine. or actually one and half. oops. i wasn't supposed to. i really didn't mean to :D but the food we made was so gooooood (minced meat crepes with cheese) and i ummm just happened to open the the second bottle while we were playing sims2.... oops. and i have to be at work by 12:30 pm. ho shit. now i'm gonna pop a pill in my mouth and head to bed. what sleeping schedule, never heard of it. i guess i'm just too damn stupid. but what the fuck really xD

they say the empty can rattles the most

today i was supposed to have only a short meeting with our unit (discuss all the jazz abt the goods and nots abt this job) but boss wanted to get home so he offered me the evening hours. and i ofcourse was more than happy to do those, because well, i don't get too much hours per month, no way. it's kinda weird now that all the christmas and new year and shit have passed. i got so used to the hectic schedules of everything that this chilled working speed feels almost lazy xD there's even time to empty trash before they overflow and clean the feeders really well. weird.
and. i thought, i seriously fucking did think that i'd have no work tomorrow. but i have. what is this reallyyyyyyy. my memory is the shit. yay. but hey, not really complaining. i get 5 days of work this week. not the full hours, but still. almost like a "normal" job.

sigh. i think i had something to write down but i really can't remember again. i blame the continuous lack of sleep and sims2. bohohoo.
BUT ! i'm going to kotka next week. mah fillyjay<3 sloughi<3 and the kitties<3 and peeps maybe ? i dunno. i'll leave monday straight from work (after nine pm something) and come back friday morning, again probably straight to work. so yeah, if someone wants to see me, give a holler. i think most peeps have my number ? i have almost zero numbers still because of that damn phone theft. so yeah. call me or something~~

dang i love wine. alcohol is my frieeeeeeeend (of misery?)

come susie dear let's take a walk

i eat too much. no, this is not an "IMASOFATBOOHOO" entry. no, that first sentence merely refers to the amount of food i consume daily (it being huge) and taking too much money that way. what can i really do, i spend so fucking much energy that i NEED to eat a lot. i hate working when my muscles go all woobly because lack of energy. so i eat alot. and that seems to be a problem. okay, it IS a problem for me too, the money part... but i think if i raised my hand and suggested a solution, it would be shot down. yeah.

on to other things. i have known it for ages that i hardly move around at all when i sleep. but it can't be too healthy if i wake up hurting and it takes my body ages to start getting mobile again. oh le sigh.
agh i don't wanna go to work. i wanna go back to sleep. sleeeeeep. fucking sleeeeeeeeeeeeeep. that would be a killer.
fuck. i should have gotten up half an hour earlier. so i'd made it to smarket. fuck. fuck fuck fuck. why can't i do anything right. maybe that's why i like working hard and hectic. you don't have room for errors and the busy pace keeps your thoughts in place. or something like that.
fuck i gotta run now. so much for feeling almost cheery in the morning...

you'll be running but can't get anywhere

my shoulders are killing me. aka they HURT like a motherfucker.
work was nice today, the first time since i started there it was like really chill. no rush whatsoever. felt weird, being so that i've worked there about 1½ months and every day has been full of insane hurry. and now... all chill. weird, but definitely not unpleasant.
i almost felt like watching some kind of monster today. good thing that almost, because that one fell behind when i returned from goa. i.e. nora has it loaned :D i hope she'll get my point abt that "movie" when she'll watch it. i think she will.
fucking hell, i should be sleeping. i really really should. really. fucking really.

anyone who ever stood in the light needs no explaining

i only write useless bits and pieces of thoughts these days. if i even write anything. sigh.
but yeah, saw aimo-mauri today, it's really been WAYYYY too long since the last time. we just hanged at skådespelare vääägen, with saana along, and yeah :D it was nice. tomorrow i shall go to work and die (hopefully not), and after i've died i shall catch a train and head to goa. drinking and lagging with nora, that's the plan for the evening/night. yeah.

so as i said, useless bits and pieces ! that's almost like my life xD

how about a hell yeah ?

the first entry on the mighty year 2009. yay.
i'm still a little sick, but off to work i go today. can't afford to be off anymore. shit, i hope i'll get my salary soon, because, uh, the rent ??? and i'm running out of cigs.
fuck yeah, and so on.