i feel like i wouldn't like me if i met me

life is NOT hell atm. work is good, i'm not that sick anymore, we got some things talked through. i like it right now.
today i'm having a day off. the bosses are having this end-of-season-meeting somewhere and no-one is at evening service today. 3 day weekend. sleeping a little later than usual was very very welcome. now i should get my ass up from this floor, go do the dishes (kitchen is abt to explode...), freshen my self up a little and maybe head to visit some shops and fleamarkets and second hand shops. i really need new pants, jacket and jeans... and maybe shoes. i'm just so cheap i don't want to pay too much so finding them is hard... and i'm also too lazy to run through million places in one day or even a week. maybe tomorrow. i don't KNOW.
yesterday mims cut mu hair and my girl's too. goody good again. looking like a human is always nice xD

... ugh i eat too much nuts these days...

ok my brains are failing me again.

i liked the way we slept on rooftops in the summertime

being back here has brought up so many thoughts and doubts. and fears. i hate this. i wish my head was as clear as the sky on nice freezing winter morning =)) but i'll get past this. we will. i trust in that.
gah how is it possible to be this tired even thought i slept something like 9-10 hours ??? and i still need to go to stables and ride lulubell and nuunuu my fillyjay<33 god how much it hurts to even think i'm giving her up completely. no, i won't do that. i will come and visit during weekends, and when i've worked long enough and saved some money, i will buy her and bring her closer to me<333 who cares if she's already on the older side of horse's age ? who cares if she's not the greatest and most expensive competition horse ever ?? i don't, i love her so much it hurts. she's the most important thing ever. she will be mine, sooner or later <3333
but yes. it was strange to try and fall asleep alone o__o i was dead tired but still i couldn't catch the dreamland. booh. but, only one night alone ^^ then... !
yeah. now off to pack some stuff, change clothes and gagaga all that :D

so let's go there, let's make our escape

i never thought i'd find myself in a situation like this so early in life. yet, here i am, head over heels and can't imagine a life without her. there's a big part of me that want's to run away, run and never look back, before i get hurt again. but this time, THIS FUCKING TIME i won't run. this time i'm going to fight, and hopefully win against my head. i'm fucking scared and doubtful but fuck, all good things require hell of an amount of work, don't they. and i'm willing to work for this.

When dreaming I'm guided through another world
Time and time again
At sunrise I fight to stay asleep
'Cause I don't want to leave the comfort of this place
'Cause there's a hunger, a longing to escape
From the life I live when I'm awake
So let's go there
Let's make our escape
Come on, let's go there
Let's ask can we stay?
Can you take me higher?
To the place where blind men see
Can you take me higher?
To the place with golden streets
Although I would like our world to change
It helps me to appreciate
Those nights and those dreams
But, my friend, I'd sacrifice all those nights
If I could make the Earth and my dreams the same
The only difference is
To let love replace all our hate
So let's go there
Let's make our escape
Come on, let's go there
Let's ask can we stay?
Up high I feel like I'm alive for the very first time
Up high I'm strong enough to take these dreams
And make them mine

oh yeah i've been off work since yesterday. after wednesday i was so dead that aiski and anni kicked me to realize that i need to rest. oh come on, i only like almost fainted a couple of times xD okay, this was needed, the maybe 15 hours of sleep yesterday and today a good night too. i feel slightly better.
today i'm going to kotka. before leaving i need to go and visit goa, get some of my more summerish stuff and take that back to kotka. warmer clothes, i neeeeed those now. autumn began too soon.
and miss my filly terribly...

we may rise and fall, but in the end we meet our fate together

still no salary. woohoo. and i saw mattila today couple of times, but he was either having a sales conversation or something as important on phone, or running to a meeting inside the office. and then when the meeting ended he flew out of the door before i could catch him. fooock. maybe i should call him, that should work xD
eemeli got the job ! hail and gongrats to him but it's still sorta sad that he leaves. if his meeting goes well tomorrow, he will start the job almost immediately and will never return to evening serviceeee ;____; then i'll be all alone with the ÄIJÄT and our new guy, tomppa. he listens to suomi rap... *death* ......... ok yeah. he's not that bad. but still, we seem to have nothing to talk about or in common. we just don't click, you know. i get along with eemeli and i got along with juho, ari and santtu too. and hugo x)) too bad they're all gone or leaving. fock. just gotta live with the fact that work isn't going to be so social anymore :D if only i'd just get that salaryyy........

i really need to take a shower now. and then off to visit the shop my girl is working at today. she ordered so. and she also told me to buy mysli and yoghurt. hoho. damn i have no munny. and no food. except that saaristolais leipä. damn it's good. but i can't live solely on that. and fuck. i really need the salary this week. need to get to kotkaaaaaa. fillyyyy oh how fucking much i miss her ;___;<3333333

we are lost, we can never go home

yesterday i was mentally kicking myself within 15 minutes from arriving to goa. for a while it was ok, but then, well... i fucking don't feel like i have a place there and frankly, i don't think i even want that. i'm sick of all the commune life, it just doesn't do any good to me. it's all fun and love for few days or a week or something, but not more. fuck i need an apartment. soon. fucking hell.
PLUS: today at work was very chill, no hurry at all, but i still felt like shit. my head has been spinning the whole day, my vision keeps blurring, my nose is stuffed and my throat hurts. gaah. i think i'm really sick now. whoops. too bad that i can't afford to take days off =)) fuck yeah. a new guy started today too, this some fruittari/amis kinda dude called tomppa. he's ok. boho i don't want eemeli to quit too soon ;____; he's such a darling x_x
but yeah. now i'm lagging at my girl's place and feeling like shit. and cursing that my goddamn salary hasn't come. and it probably won't before the end of the month =)))) fucking whee. must talk to mister mattila tomorrow about this, because i had a spoken agreement about my salary and it was supposed to be paid every two weeks. my bad that i was so goddamn tired and pöhnänen when i signed the damn workdeal that i didn't realize what it said about the payments. and now i'm just fucking pissed off. i'm basically broke =)) yay.
i think i need to lay down now. maybe watch telly or something and try to rest.

you know what you are

been scanning some sites with apartment for rent. some nice have indeed popped up.. hmm hmm.
DAMN i've been so tired the whole day. i nearly fell asleep just while ago... sigh. must muster up some energy, we're going to visit town centrum and some food shop. hungry...
gah versus white wine is good...........javascript:void(0)

i know it's really hard to see

gaaaaah. a drunkard entry, i hope i hope i won't fuck this up somehow. i was at anssu's party with my girl, but i really ended up hanging with this guy called niko. i really can't remember his irc nick XD bleaargh.
ok my girl want's to sleep. i gotta go to wash my teeth. ugh so much responsibilities...

and she said...

long time, no updates. been working HARD, been tired, and gah. and oh, waking up wwwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaayyyy too early on few mornings (been staying at my girl's place, i have to be out of the door 20 minutes earlier than usual............). aiski-shi sorta quit at evening service today. sad. not good. i have to wake up EARLY alone and go to work alone. boohoo.
but YEAHHH. now i'm at my girl's place AGAIN. we're gonna leave soon, to make an appearance at a party of some friend of my girl. i hope to higher powers i'm not going to be the oldest person in there (ok, this friend's mom is there too but....) XD need to drink some more white wine<333
something again broke my line of thought and i forgot what i was going to write here... damn. but. leaving soon. muahhahahah *hugo laughter*

OH BTW FUCK I'VE GOT HUGE MUSCLES !!!!!!! XDDDDDDDD

yo. at mah girl's apartment, leeching her comp. she's in teh showarrr... her roommate was out drinking last night and brought some friends along when she came home. they're noisy and listening to shitty music. and smoking inside, if my sence of scent doesn't fail me. eww.
today... well, i think i had something i really wanted to do. but again my brains fail. sigh.

come eat some chemicals with me

we got off work early today, all the big bosses left to italy on wednesday, the "lower-class" bosses wanted to get home early so they "kicked us out" 2 pm xD i'm not complaining. because we still get the full day's salary. muahahaha. this was a super easy day all the way. me likes.
but but but. i really shouldn't be sitting here in front of boris... i should hurry and take a shower, then hurry to towncentre, take care of some things and then fly to arabia before 6:30pm to meet my girl. gaaaaaaaaaaah i don't have enough hours in this day........................................................

what's this life for

there are things i should work out today but i really don't feel like it. mostly because i want it to be just us... ah fuck, klock ticks too fast.
but hot damn, i got my work "uniform" today, finally >8DD evening service, thankfuckingyou. maybe if i'll get that contract too soon.
and ogh nora made soooo good food today. foooooooood is good. cheese and all.... mmm.
agh i'm so tired. should roll over and go to sleep. i'm not sure where i'll sleep... yeah.

in a way i just want scream FUCK YOU at the whole world. and then there's this part that wants to lay down and sleep away the days.

if i'd say i'm feeling perfety fine, i'd be lying. hard. a lot. oh well, it seems things aren't changing, even if i'd again bring it up. it usually doesn't seem to make any difference. am i realy that unclear ? :D
tomorrow is going to be a busy day work. but that's ok. i like the excercise i get from it.
one thing that also annoys me endlessly: skinny, gorgeous people complaining about their weight and how disgusting they are. hello, i'm fighting to not fall back to eating disorders again ! have you ever stopped to listen to me and thought how things like that make me feel? i'm battling already.

gotta jet towards sleeping status. the klock is ticking millions.