been here before, couldn't say i liked it

do i start writing all this down?
just let me plug you into my world
can't you help me be uncrazy?

name this for me, heat the cold air
take the chill off of my life
and if i could i'd turn my eyes
to look inside to see what's comin'

oh fucking god i want booze. and i'm so sick my eyes are about to fall off. i hate this situation so fucking much.

new year is coming. i wonder what it will bring.

i run but it stays right by my side

ah fuck this.

so tell me why you've chosen me
don't want your grip, don't want your greed
don't want it

i'll tear me open make you gone
no more can you hurt anyone
and the fear still shakes me
so hold me, until it sleeps

i'm so fucking tired. and maybe slightly drunk. yeah.

can we please turn back time on my part so it's like maybe 1986-1993 ?? puhfuckingleaze ?

can i just fucking skip back in time a little ?

these gravely digs of mine will surely prove a sight

*cencorshipstrikes* oh fuck.

in hellish glare and inference
the other one's a duplicate
the queenly flux, eternal light
or the light that never warms
yes, the light that never, never warms
yes, the light that never, never warms
never warms, never warms

i just fucking wanna ditch this life so bad sometimes. i hate going numb like this. it's fatal, in the end, you know ?

where i lay my head is home

... or is it ?

eet fuck really.

aggh, i just want to boot my brains, ok ?

free to speak my mind anywhere

i want some fucking booze.

//edit: i fucking missed alko by some fucking 3 minutes. how fucking sad. so instead staying sober, i head to s-market and buy... BEER. seriously, i fucking hate beer. except corona, and even that i can drink like one bottle at time. but, alas, here is where hippu (WTF THEY HAVE WEBPAGES) comes in: i go there too broke to buy anything else but beer. and i ain't fucking drinking some lappari. so i buy foster's. geez, it's actually good. or maybe i'm just becoming so alcoholic i don't care anymore what i drink. i still won't drink red wine or rosé, no fucking way. *pops open teh beer can* ahhhhhhhhhhhh fuck yes. beer, you're my friend now. mmm-mmmh yes. muahahha.

someone get me a shirt like this:


christmas is coming, and haven't even noticed. so much for having fucking christmas-spirit. yeah.

but no one ever tells you that forever feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head

i smoke too much.
i drink too much.
and i don't really care.

ugh. i wish i had more booze.

remind me of what left is outlaw torn

both my wrist are fucked. whoopee fuck.

And now I wait my whole lifetime
For you
And now I wait my whole lifetime
For you

I ride the dirt I ride the tide
For you
I search the outside search inside
For you

To take back what you left me
I know I'll always burn to be
The one who seeks so I may find
And now I wait my whole lifetime

My Outlaw torn
My Outlaw torn
And I'm torn

So on I wait my whole lifetime
For you
So on I wait my whole lifetime
For you

The more I search the more my need
For you
The more I bless the more I bleed
For you

You make me smash the clock and feel
I'd rather die behind the wheel
Time was never on my side
So on I wait my whole lifetime


My Outlaw torn
My Outlaw torn
Yeah I'm Outlaw torn
And I'm torn

Hear me
And if I close my mind in fear
Please pry it open
See me
And if my face becomes sincere
Beware
Hold me
And when I start to come undone
Stitch me together
Save me
And when you see me strut
Remind me of what left this outlaw torn

Hear me
And if I close my mind in fear
Please pry it open
See me
And if my face becomes sincere
Beware
Hold me
And when I start to come undone
Stitch me together
Save me
And when you see me strut
Remind me of what left this outlaw torn

i FUCKING love this song. it's a true killer.

yeah we're of to parteeh :D

popoGÄÄpopoGÄÄ

post number hundred, this is ! yay.
my left wrist called in dead yesterday at work. it's swollen, i can't really move it and it fucking hurts like a bitch all the time. so i try to avoid doing anything with it, have it bandaged and am using this painreliever gel. too bad that it's really only gotten worse since yesterday, and i have work tomorrow. fucking hell really. absolutely couldn't afford a sick leave, no sir no.
hmmm, anni left to work, so i'm just gonna lag here all by myself (and girlies<3). maybe some wine, maybe... ah shit i need a life.

this thorn in my side is from the tree i've planted

so i didn't finish that previous entry. and i didn't get shitfaced. booh fuck.
but yesterday ! i took the insurance papers to teh office and now i'll just wait 'till they call me and jeee i gets a new fucking phone. fuck yeah. and yesterday, we also went to check the nearest petstore, to see if they still had these two boy ratties. they didn't :( we were all psyched up and ready to buy them when we went there, so it was disappointing. BUT feeling that we really need the rats NOW, we took a bus to jumbo, and lo & behold, at the pet store there were these two gorgeous girls ! agouti berkie and agouti rex irish they are, our pretties. i just asked some questions about them and their background, handled them a bit and then it was basically decided :D i keep referring to them as 9/11 rats (that's when they're born, september 11th)... seriously, if they were boys i'd change their names to osama and saddam or something. would be change too good to put to waste.
agh today i feel (again) like NOT fucking going to work. i feel so tired all the time again... okay, i'll probably spark it up when i actually get there, but now, all i wanna do is fucking go back to sleep. even thought i slept without a blink the whole night still feel like a fucking truck ran over me... fucking hell.

oh dear fuck, i need coffee and cigs.

come crawling faster

ONKS PAKKO MENNÄ TÖIHIN JOS EI HALUU =)))

yeah just had get that off my "chest". no really, i dun wanna go to work. nooooooy sir no. i just wanna sit on my fat butt, watch met dvd and get shitfaced. no can do, should actually be running already. fuck, i'm supposed to visit alko before work. think i need to catch a train this time, no way i'm gonna make it if i'm walking... fucking hell. but i only have half a bottle of wine and that's not even close being enough. fucking whee.

shit, maybe i'll just finish this fucking entry when i actually have time.

good day to be alive

here i am, @ kotka again. came here last night (for once i was moving early, not in the middle of the night....), ate myself silly, lagged in front of the telly watching all kinds of shit and petted the kitties<3 and ofcourse sipped some wine. today i had to wake up at 8 am, to get my youngest brother up and to take our little old grandpa doggy out. i was supposed to go and escort my mom from the hospital, but it turned out it wasn't necessary, so i'm just waiting for her cab to come here now. and after that i'll be waiting for one bro to come home so i can leave to stablesssss ! fillyjay, how fucking much have i missed her ;___;<3 i could have spent whole november here with her since i wasn't working anyway... booh, what's done is done, no use fretting over that anymore. what matters is that i'll have these three days with my prettyling<3

mghaisfhsaf. i know i had something in mind but wow and behold, it's fucking gone. my brains are such a mass of concentrated failure these days. the bottleroom must be to blame, i'm sure. yeah right. i fucking hope i hear from the g4s soon and something positive. even thought i love this brainless, physical work, i know my joints aren't gonna take it much longer. which really sucks mofo ass. oh bummer, just need to start going to some gym and pump iron. not really my cup of tea, hence the fact that i've NEVER been good at training by my self. i'm too lazy. maybe the security guard job would motivate me enough.

sigh i want a bass.
and yeah ! snooping through my brothers cd collection i found out he has not only garage inc. (which i knew he had) but also ride the lightning, kill 'em all and master of puppets ! and he doesn't even listen to metallica anymore... and i'm such a bad "fan" to say this, but garage inc. is really the only one of those four albums i like :D i mean, i like some songs out of those, but it's something about james' voice when he was younger that really doesn't love my ears xD i like the songs but only maybe live versions that have "matured" james singing them (OR JASON n___n).... buahahhaha.

okay enough of this bable, bitch, shut the fuck up. and go do something useful. not.

acting like a maniac

so to add to this all shit my travel card runs out of paid time TODAY. no ticket tomorrow. and that's just when i'd need it the most. if i get a fucking ticket i swear i'm fucking gonna start crying. i'm just so fucking tired of all this shit trashin my head.
fuck, i just wanna get drunk. or atleast drink some.


plus i still wanna get drunk.
plus i'm fucking fat. need desperately to do something about this. i disgust myself.

i need a change. a major one.

only do i not know the answer, i don't even know what the question is

ah shit how troublesome can life be without a phone. i have no numbers and the only ones i remember are mims' and eeppi's. not really helpful when i'd need to contact my mom and everything. fuck this.
agh today i really don't feel like going to work at all. NOT THE SLIGHTEST BIT. do i have if dun wanna ?? booh.
tomorrow i have the g4s interview. and i have no papers to give them. it's not like i could even call rane or anything. i'd need to make so many calls... and i can't. shit this sucks so bad. i'm sooooo screwed.

is it wrong if just wanna go lay in a hole and sleep ?

BURN MOTHERFURCKER BURN !!!!!!

so imah working man now. yey. shopping center/mall is where i spend my jollygood evenings, running around the parking halls collecting shopping carts and keeping the place in order, and at the bottle returning point, shuffling with the nasty stinking slimy old booze bottles. woohoo. i got the cart part of the deal in control pretty much perfectly by now, since i started my work on a day some dude got fired. meaning that no-one had time to actually teach me anything and friday+saturday are the busiest days of the week, so spent the days running with teh trolleys and tadah, mastered that art. but the bottle returning point stuff... ugh, there's just too many machines i'd need to know by heart and today was really my first day trying out with those. easy for doras (my co-worker) to say it's really simple, he's been doing that ages already... so i stressed alot. AND to make this day perfect, my phone is gone ! one moment (when i left for a trolley-run) it was in my pocket, and a while after that it's not there. chances are it fell when i was at the parking hall and somebody stole it (FUCK THEM) OR the more evil and nasty and crying worthy thing: it fell on the lines of the machines that take bottles and cans to these CRUSHING machines and poor poor phone dies a nasty horrible death. whatever happened, the result is the same: NO PHONE. i was so fucking pissed off when i ran around tracing back my steps and nothing. had to apologize doras a few times since i disappeared in the middle of a round. god fucking hell how much i wanted to start smashing things. anger management, this is it ! handling the trashglass bottles was helping to sooth my fuming a little (you basically just throw them in this container with as much of strength you wanna...) but still. rest of the day went on with this huge need to start breaking stuff/things(/people...). fucking shit. and oh, just to make things super cheery: my mp3-player runs out of batteries six pmish. so i have no phone, no music, nothing to raise my mood. so i smoked probably a ton and fumed 'till the end of the day. time went surprisingly fast thought.

i would SO bad want to get drunk right now. and all booze this house has is one lonkero (which is almost gone already). FUCK THIS SHIT. anyone who has booze, wanna come and drink with me or invite me over ? =)

ah fuck. maybe i'll just watch some kind of monster again.

shit, how am i gonna call kataja and sonera insurance tomorrow with no phone ??????????? FUCKING HELL. LIFE SCREW YOU GO KICK SOMEONE ELSE !

twisting your mind and smashing your dreams

ho fucking shit, i need to be at work in an hour ! shit ima in a hurreeh. fock.

i want an acoustic guitar. and a bass. but acoustic just for the starters. i wanna play again. and i wanna learn to sing, like really fucking sing. ah shit.

tonight i'm going to come home smelling like old booze, and for once it's not because i just drank my brains dead, but because of actually trying to earn a few bucks. i.e. i'm starting this shit of a job at bottle returning place thingy. fuck, i really couldn't care less abt it. thank heavens i have the gs4 interview coming next week. i sure fucking hope i get that one. being a security guard would suit me so much better. yeah ?

i also can't wait for my f'n hair to grow. you know, grow, like a lot. wait wait wait tic tic tic toc !

the door cracks open but there's no sun shining through

it's times like these you learn to live again. bohoo foo fighters lyrics. but it's good. it's times like these i also am reminded of how frail this all is.
i just came back home from hippu (a bar/ restaurant near our house), after a nice hangout with some dude named kaapo and his friend juhis. kaapo bought me a tar-shot. damn it was good. i wanna go to ale or some place that's as cheap as it is and drink 'till my head shuts down completely. today i felt i wanted to drink so much i wouldn't even be able to stand up. but it was not possible, hence the fact that could only afford a beer and that combined with the wine i had drank earlier+ the shot kaapo bought me wasn't really enough to get me wasted. too bad. it would have been nice. the bad points of living so far from your friends = no-one to drink with and no place is open later than 2 am. k5-club (which is just a mile or so away from here) is open 'till 4 am, i think. but well... no munny.
that shot got my system wired up way too much. alcohol, my dear friend. lol. maybe i should just go to sleep ? i dunno.

beat that fucking meat boy !

internet crashlanded today i.e. did not work at all. that is, before i moved teh laptop in the livingroom/kitchen (i left music playing while i was out, it wasn't even loud, but you could hear it loud and clear to the stairs.... oops). and tadah, not only all the people walking the stairs have to no longer listen metallica, i also has net ! yay.
i finally got the laundry pass thingy for us today. yay for that too. and now, now i'm contemplating should take the allergytablet or not. i really don't wanna, because then... oh well, i can't really drink. and i wanna drink :D but as i am busy waiting for this bleach to affect my allergy is kinda bothering me... oh fucking well.
hoho media player loves bronski beat *shakes around the room* i'm counting on dtm in this, meaning that i hope they have this song. i'm almost certain they have it. i wanna danceeeee !
hmmm need to wash this shit off my head soon. and then shower and hurry to myrtsi and alko. mah girl wants booze. so me goes and buys some for her. such a fucking nice person i am, true true.
i might need to bleach this lame excuse of hair again later today... it will most likely be orange after this first round is done. and i hate orange. on my head. yeah.

this entry really had no train of thought at all, you know ?

and you're left with just a name

i wish i may
i wish i might
have this wish i wish tonight
i want that star
i want it now
i want it all and i don't care how

careful what you wish
careful what you say
careful what you wish
you may regret it
careful what you wish
you just might get it

then it all crashes down
and you break your crown
and you point your finger
but there's no one around

just want one thing
just to play the king
but the castle's crumbled
and you're left with just a name

where's your crown, King Nothing?
where's your crown?

god how i wish was born earlier. i've missed so much for being so young. a child of the 80s but no memory of the times. wish i was born at least 10 years earlier... heavens or something grant me one wish please ?

EDIT: oh fuck i just finished watching a year and a half in the life of metallica and during the ending credits of part two comes THIS (the quality is crap but you will get the idea) I FUCKING DIED. goddamn lars' got some moves (kirk's not bad either xD) ! i'll never go dancing again ! buahaaaaaaaa. my fucking day just went up in smiles and cracking ! thankyou, idiots XDD

dreams of war, dreams of liars, dreams of dragon fire

spent the saturday and sunday with borgir. i really had a blast, even thought we didn't really do anything special, just drank some booze, ate tons of fatty stuff and lagged front of the tv :D back to basics, i say !
yesterday when i was coming back home (or trying) the snowstorm had managed to fuck up the train traffic, so it was so so that the train even came... it was freezing and windy, and i was dying, but still i liked the weather. would have been a perfect weather to shoot a mv or something... hmmm.
moomi answered my mail, at last ! she doesn't have any grannyratties atm but a few will have babies during december and would possibly be in a need for a home in the beginning of the new year... i'm intrigued, definitely. must reply her when i have time and my brains are co-operating. now, i need to suck cafeine in my system and get ready to go. i have an interview with OPTEAM at 3pm. really couldn't care less. customerserving job is REALLY not my cup of tea, so to say. blaah. but i just need some kind of job, can't really afford to be too selective right now. fuck this shit, man.

gah.

hush little baby don't say a word
and never mind that noise you heard
it's just the beasts under your bed
in your closet and in your head

there's things inside without a care

whoopsie, so i got stuck sitting here 'till 2 am. reading a... *drumroll here* FANFIC XD like, how long has it been since that happened ? ages ! but it was a good fic. yeah. too bad i really wasn't able to fall asleep for maybe hours, booze and thoughts were running in my veins too fast, i guess. so now i'm awake and fucking cheery. and i just might be a little drunk still... hope i don't catch a bad "lasku" today. i usually don't when i wake up. buahahaha *hugo laughter*

ah shit it's chilly. inside the house and out too. i'm gonna freeze my ass here... thank heavens the job interview is at myrtsi, which is maybe a mile and a half from here. yeah.

today...... i don't know what happens today. we'll see.

plus, last night as i was rolling around and again thinking too much, i realised again how much i miss hanging out with whiskey. i don't know if she feels the same, but hell, i miss her. agh, i hope i get to properly spend time with her some day. yeah.

ah shit i should get ready to leave. can't be late. even if it's a complete SHIT of a job i'm applying for...

just as soon as i belong, then it's time i disappear

i'm dying for a really dark mood photoshoot. too bad that i'm not looking or feeling too photogenic right now. but still, a "professional" photoshoot would be cool. like makeup and all, lighting and so on. yeah.
what the fuck am i doing awake anyway, i have a job interview in what, 12 hours ? i should go to sleep, and definitely not be sitting here sipping wine (hardy's, it's really not THAT good, gato negro was way better...) and listening to metallica. definitely not xD but since when have i had brains ?
tomorrow, i think, i shall go to some gym and work my ass off. and swimming wouldn't do any harm either. my whole body is sore and stiff, and all this is not because i'd train too much, no no. it's because i have stopped any physical work i was having a routine with... must get back in shape. sometimes i disgust myself so much it hurts. most of the time i just push those thoughts back in my head and focus on something else. too bad that i have way too much time on my hands right now, since i'm still unemployed and well, do basically nothing during my awake hours. this all is really eating away the strength i had managed to gather up. too much, way too much time on my hands, way too much time to think. it's shit, you know ?

MAN do i wish i was born some decade and a half earlier than i was. oh the gorgeous 80s. too bad i'm too young to have lived those years the way i would've liked to.

i need boots.

'scuse me while i tend to how i feel

this week i finally got to watch the some kind of monster-dvd that bought a few months back. i really recommend it. not to all of you who might be reading this, because well, some people just can't get so much out of it. yeah. but. this made me want to listen to metallica again. i guess, in a way, metallica has always been a band that i've liked. from like the age of maybe 12. at times it fades on the background, but now that i think of it, i've always liked listened some of their songs, and now... well, my inner metallica-fan has again been awoken. there's something about this band that really attracts me. i'm not making much sense am i ? no biggy, those who understand, i give you a thumbs up .D i really had an idea how to put this in words but it sort of has slipped my mind. oh well.

yesterday i went to see that dark knight batman movie with my girl. i was positively surprised, i actually liked that movie. i didn't expect to, it's been praised too much imo. but i liked it. joker = <3
today, well my girl wants to party. i don't know how i feel. not really in a party mood i guess ? maybe i don't feel like going out in a group and pretending that i'm having fun ? because i feel like that's what it would be. or then i would get shitfaced and have fun until i feel too sick. don't get me wrong, i am most likely going to get drunk today, but shitfaced was not a part of my plans. what plans ?? i don't have any.
and what is this strange choking i feel nowadays ? i feel.. trapped, restrained, held back. i don't know.
i don't know ! that's the most used phrase for me these times. i don't fucking know. my head is just so fucked up right now. everything seems to be fucked up. fuck. FUCK.

okay forget all of that. yeah. maybe i should just head to the gym and pump some iron. beat the hell outta myself. that would actually do good. hmmmm.


Mama, they try and break me.
The window burns to light the way back home
A light that warms no matter where they've gone.
They're off to find the hero of the day
But what if they should fall by someone's wicked way?
Still the window burns, time so slowly turns
Someone there is sighing
Keepers of the flames
Do you feel your names?
Do you hear your babies crying?
Mama they try and break me
Still they try and break me
'Scuse me while I tend to how I feel
These things return to me that still seem real
Now deservingly this easy chair
But the rocking stops by wheels of despair
Don't want your aid
But the fist I've made for years won't hold or feel
No I'm not all me
So please excuse me while I tend to how I fell
But now the dreams and waking screams that ever last through the night (echoed between James and Jason)

So build the wall behind it crawl and hide until it's light
Can you hear your babies crying now?
Still the window burns
Time so slowly turns
And someone there is sighing
Keepers of the flames, can't you feel your names?
Can't you hear your babies crying?
But now the dreams and waking screams that
ever last the night
So build a wall behind it crawl
And hide until it's light
So can't you hear your babies crying now?
Mama they try and break me
Mama they try and break me
Mama they try and break me
Mama they try mama they try
Mama they try and break me
Mama they try and break me
Mama they try and break me
Mama they try and break me
Mama they try and break me
Mama they try and break me
Mama they try Mama they try

it's been ages since i last listened to sendai kamotsu, and just now i had most overpowering feeling that i MUST hear gay school XD buahahaha i love this band ! and i still very very very much want to cosplay them 8)) oh yeaaaaassssssss...

i drank a bit too much yesterday. i wasn't throwing up or anything, but holy fuck i sure felt like doing so xD this is just a proof that i drink wayyy too little these days 8( my tolerance has dropped like a ton of bricks ! boohoo ! ok, it's not so bad, drinking gets cheaper. if not counting the fact that i felt sick as hell, i had a blast yesterday. it's been way too long since i hanged out with mah girls like this, drinking, lagging, talking shit. nice nice nice. must do more often, yes yes.

the furet xl is coming home next week ! yay ! then ratties maybe before christmas, if we take some of tahmatassu's kittens *__*<3 gagagaga little teeny ratties ;________;

ok. i need to do something. damn that it gets dark so soon, it would've been nice to head towards elvenmountain x-x
agh anni found some old shinhwa cd's while digging my stuff and now we're listening to only one. gah it's been ages since i listened to shinhwa, too ! *shakes ass* bohohoho good old loser times with mims....

they say come with your arms raised high

In the middle of a gun fight...
In the center of a restaurant...
They say, "Come with your arms raised high!"
Well, they're never gonna get me,
Like a bullet through a flock of doves...
To wage this war against your faith in me,
Your life...will never be the same.
On your mother's eyes, say a prayer...say a prayer!

Now, but I can't
And I don't know
How we're just two men as God had made us,
Well, I can't...well, I can!
Too much, too late, or just not enough of this
Pain in my heart for your dying wish,
I'll kiss your lips again.

They all cheat at cards and the checkers are lost,
My cellmate's a killer, they make me do push-ups (in drag)
But nobody cares if you're losing yourself...am I losing myself?!
Well, I miss my mom,
Will they give me the chair,
Or lethal injection, or swing from a rope if you dare;
Ah, nobody knows...all the trouble I've seen!

To your room...
What they ask of you
Will make you want to say, "So long..."
Well, I don't remember,
Why remember...YOU?!

Do you have the keys to the hotel?!
'Cause I'm gonna string this motherfucker on fire! (FIRE!!)

Life is but a dream for the dead,
And well I, I won't go down by myself,
But I'll go down with my friends.
Now now now now... (I can't explain)
Now now now... (I can't complain)
Now now, yeah!


need to jet outta the door soon. off to visit our neighbor fida and the to teh UFFs.

my mind is playing tricks with me. one moment i'm happier than ever, and the next i feel like curling up in some corner and shaking in guilt and fear. fuck this. shut up head, please 'kay ???

dare you, dare you, double dare you

i NEVER wanna move again... ok, i do, but then i will fucking have near zero amount of stuff. ..... and today i had a job interview to this moving company xD buahahah.
BUT ANYGAYS. we are fucking home now ! this place is a royal mess but we'll get there. some damn glorious day. oh btw, i found out the reason why no one's ever heard of this as i went through the hugeass information pdf thingy abt this place: THIS IS A FUCKING COMMUNITY. seriously, these few housecomplexes form this community and it's a fucking tight one. plus this community is christian.... shit, what have we done ??? XD and this place also feels so much like silent hill that it's not even possible. the sun is shining but still you can almost hear the sirens go off and darkness starting to fall. plus our fridge sounds like those childlike stretchy faced creatures in the movie, you know the sound they make before they start to scream. buahahha. this is nice.

yes, as i was saying. i'm (we're) off to go through some shops now. trying to find some kinkyness ahoy colored bulbs for our lamps :D and i'm desperate for that leatherjacket..... and shoes....

i think i'll have a doughnut now.

i'm already love addict

oh fuck. i'm so screwed. here i sit and sip coffee and get nothing doneeeeeeeeeeeeeeee :D weee. must. pack. stuff. fuck this shit.

hooooooooooooooooooold your horses tonight~~

ON SE KUMMA that finnish authorities (i.e. police, prosecutor...) choose to believe convicted criminals with violent backgrounds, rather than totally clean person. ON SE KUMMA. that when the fuckers have CLEARLY agreed together what they'll say in the hearing, the police takes that as the truth. just because their stories are identical. ON SE KUMMA. no i have officially lost the last drop of trust and faith on finnish police forces and any legal authorities. from this day on, shall something come along that would need legal stuff.. well, let's just say i will rather take care of it all my own way.

ogh. i'm so tired and stressed. my mother said some things yesterday, that were not surprising at all, but still they managed to hurt me. oh sigh. this apartment is a huge pile of catastrophy. i hate this. i get so agitated when i have to start using my brains like this. if the worst happens i'll have panic attack. gah.

shit the klock is too much. must go running to rauni's place soon. she'll take me to stables to say hello to my jay and meet with lauri about the stablehouse and the situating of my stuff. fuck i hate this. why can't this all happen with a snap of fingers ??? i fucking just want to relax...

sigh.

WE HAZ AN APARTMENT~

today i got not one but TWO phonecalls ! both from the same company, but about different apartments. so i pretty much had to decide on the spot which one do we want. fuck it was all hectic and full of panicky messaging around and waiting calls and fearing that my cell will run out of power. but we got it ! mauhahahah. i'm too lazy to make a proper hypeing entry about it but we will get the keys next friday 8) woooooh !
we're leaving to kotka soon.

and because we made delicious bananapie (which looks like vomitpie) and i'm cheery as hell, here's some vids that made me smile:

yoda !!!

bright side of life, i see it now !

v to the a to the d ...

yeah...

FUCKING YAY !

baby, did you forget to take your meds

i'm so confused and having all these mixed up feelings right now. all this mess with things is really taking it's toll on me. i haven't slept like really slept in weeks (heck, it might be a month already) and i'm hurting so bad all the time. being tired and sore makes me kinda moody and i've fought already a dozen times not to lose my temper and explode totally. i keep getting these violent flashes when i get angry, and i don't actually like it.
on the brighter side... well i might be getting a new job. just might. i really hope for the best. i'd make some decent money with that.
and tomorrow i need to go to kotka and clean my app. or actually now it's only the sorting and arranging and packing weekend. my stuff will be moved to the stable yard house, so i'm not totally screwed when it comes getting them somewhere before friday next week. i'll be heading back to kotka next too, maybe on thursday evening or friday, because then it's time for a complete cleaning of the app. i hate cleaning. but it's a must.

wine is good, by the way.

fuck i'm so in a mess right now. sigh, i'll just go and start cooking dinner. and drink more wine. peeling potatoes will be more hazard the more i drink. muahahah vittu.

everybody run now, everybody run

this week hasn't been the greatest. i've been feeling very anxious and agitated, and fallen apart nearly. i'm still insulted/pissed/angry about this one thing that was "said" on tuesday. i really have no strength or interest to take that kind of shit. you are not the only one who feel down and has issues, damnit. and you're not the only one who has the right to fall apart sometimes. are you really that selfish that you don't REALLY care about no-one but you ? or do you just not see how you act ? don't think i'd consider even for a moment that keeping you happy would be more important than me. if you can't handle that and get all pissy if this happens, well then all i can say is too bad. i've tolerated this kind of behavior too long and now i'm done. if you think you can just act like that and then after a few days be like it's all k... it just doesn't work like that, you know. the person in question, you know very well who you are. think about it, and when you think you can talk about it like an adult without going defensive and bitchy, then try me.
i wrote a long entry abt how i felt on tuesday, but i chose not to post it. like i chose not to answer that sms. which probably was the best choice, since i was practically fuming. it's just so fucking annoying. maybe i'm just too kind and take too much crap and give people too many chances. and oh fuck, i do know that i am a shitty person most of the time too, but fuck, at least i try to admit it, and change it.

yeah. weekend started fucking well too. our superior came to our bunker when me and tomppa were on a coffee break, told us that he and the guys are leaving now, and oh btw you will only have work next week, after that, sorry. have a nice weekend and all that fucking shit. that really stopped us. rest of the day consisted of swearing, going on a strike (we just sat around and cursed and planned the explosion of the warehouse....) and more swearing. i have a fucking week to find a new job. fuck yeah. talk about giving a notice early enough. i'm so screwed.
oh le sigh.

last night me and my dear went to borgbacken light carnival ^^ it was fun. cost a ton, but it was worth it. i wasted a lot of money on candy but ehehehh that's just something you gotta do when you're at LINTSI right ?? D__D
i think i should change into running clothes and go out. for a few hours atleast. hmm, i'd like to find a new place to run at. i've pretty much been though every part of ruskeasuo and central park. and i definitely am not running on asphalt and/or cityarea. i need the nature. it just seems i'll need to go further than before. maybe take a train and run from some station to some another ? who knows ! the weather is killing good and i'm fat and i've eaten like a pig and i feel disgusting so i need to move. if only the goddamn batteries of the mp3-player would charge themselfs a bit fasteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer. can't go running without music.

i have been DYING for a real rave for about a week now. and it REALLY doesn't help that i'm listening to tiësto and stuff like that xD shit, why isn't there anything super interesting and (preferably) cheap on klubitus....

when i get a little scared

back @ herushinki. mah girl is at work and oh well. i'm lagging... i should take a shower but i'm too lazy. i should unpack all our stuff put i'm too lazy. gosh i'm so lazy. since i woke up i've been eating. lots. besides that all i've done is put this comp on working stage again and ummm smoked one cig ? fail.
must put on some clothes and head to city center. visit ma dear at her work place (buy one gummy bear at time and buy a zillion, always take her cashregisterline XD) and jump by some fleamarkets. need new jeans and some shoes.
fuck i look like shit.
the traintrip back here yesterday was... draining. but it cleaned up the air and my head. i was really tempted to shout at this one rocker dude who sat across the isle next to us and kept staring all the time. like "HAVEN'T YOU SEEN A PERSON WEEPING HER/THEIR EYES OFF BEFORE ???? FUCK OFF" dude, really. if i cry, i'll cry and i don't care who sees it. christ i've changed when it comes to that... but that gyu, he was just annoying.
CLOTHES. NOW. ON. BITCH. U SUCK.

my wrist hurts like no tomorrow...

oh yeah ! it's my birthday today :D and satoshi's too XD woohoo. we're getting olderrr~~

when you are with me i'm free, i'm careless, i believe

i almost hate i how much i am absent from this place these days.. weeks... months ? i'd like to update more often, mainly because it's also nice to read later in life what i've been up to in the past :D and writing helps me to keep up with my thoughts as well. but it seems i never have the time to update anymore. i just wake up, go to work, do the day, come home and umm, after lagging i go back to sleep and wake up again after a few hours. yay. so much activity, it hurts !
but yeah. last week, or actually the weekend, i visited kotka, thinking i'd get something done at my apartment (which did not happen) and getting some things straight. i also had a ride with my filly dearest and ran into a moosebull. dear filly was so scared... she lost a shoe during the panic and hurt her leg a little, poor love. but it could have gone a lot worse. she's okay now, i hear. dear dear fillyjay<33 sunday i rode with lulubell, she was a dear as well. sunday also included cutting mom's hair and dying her hair too. plus meeting with larppa & helvi, for a quick visit to my app (mainly to get my mail and something small random stuff). it was nice to hang with them, even if it was just a few moments. got an invitation to come over for coffee ^^ need to go and noonoo larppa's kitties *__*<3
oh yeah and i broke mom's heart. like i thought, she had seen it coming, but it still broke her. all in all she took it a lot better than i thought she would... getting it said made me feel hell a lot better. lighter, you know.

on the other parts of life... hmmm. work, work work. i'm on sick leave now, my wrist sorta snapped last tuesday... hurts. we've also been looking for apartments, and had a seeing on thursday. it was a nice app, on 14th floor of this highriser (come one, it's finland, 15 floors IS a fucking highriser) with an amazing view over that part of town, sea and all. the place COULD be a lot bigger, but it was nice. we have no change to get it though, there were other peeps who are a lot more likely to get chosen...

AGH I CAN'T WRITE ENGLISH ANYMOREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

yap. it's not raining at poltsi today. i want out ! gyah. atm i'm nöreing on anni's comp, anni' nöreing on her folks comp and katri is nöreing (ok, doing her schoolwork) on her comp. such a nöreing type of folk. sigh.

i feel like i wouldn't like me if i met me

life is NOT hell atm. work is good, i'm not that sick anymore, we got some things talked through. i like it right now.
today i'm having a day off. the bosses are having this end-of-season-meeting somewhere and no-one is at evening service today. 3 day weekend. sleeping a little later than usual was very very welcome. now i should get my ass up from this floor, go do the dishes (kitchen is abt to explode...), freshen my self up a little and maybe head to visit some shops and fleamarkets and second hand shops. i really need new pants, jacket and jeans... and maybe shoes. i'm just so cheap i don't want to pay too much so finding them is hard... and i'm also too lazy to run through million places in one day or even a week. maybe tomorrow. i don't KNOW.
yesterday mims cut mu hair and my girl's too. goody good again. looking like a human is always nice xD

... ugh i eat too much nuts these days...

ok my brains are failing me again.

i liked the way we slept on rooftops in the summertime

being back here has brought up so many thoughts and doubts. and fears. i hate this. i wish my head was as clear as the sky on nice freezing winter morning =)) but i'll get past this. we will. i trust in that.
gah how is it possible to be this tired even thought i slept something like 9-10 hours ??? and i still need to go to stables and ride lulubell and nuunuu my fillyjay<33 god how much it hurts to even think i'm giving her up completely. no, i won't do that. i will come and visit during weekends, and when i've worked long enough and saved some money, i will buy her and bring her closer to me<333 who cares if she's already on the older side of horse's age ? who cares if she's not the greatest and most expensive competition horse ever ?? i don't, i love her so much it hurts. she's the most important thing ever. she will be mine, sooner or later <3333
but yes. it was strange to try and fall asleep alone o__o i was dead tired but still i couldn't catch the dreamland. booh. but, only one night alone ^^ then... !
yeah. now off to pack some stuff, change clothes and gagaga all that :D

so let's go there, let's make our escape

i never thought i'd find myself in a situation like this so early in life. yet, here i am, head over heels and can't imagine a life without her. there's a big part of me that want's to run away, run and never look back, before i get hurt again. but this time, THIS FUCKING TIME i won't run. this time i'm going to fight, and hopefully win against my head. i'm fucking scared and doubtful but fuck, all good things require hell of an amount of work, don't they. and i'm willing to work for this.

When dreaming I'm guided through another world
Time and time again
At sunrise I fight to stay asleep
'Cause I don't want to leave the comfort of this place
'Cause there's a hunger, a longing to escape
From the life I live when I'm awake
So let's go there
Let's make our escape
Come on, let's go there
Let's ask can we stay?
Can you take me higher?
To the place where blind men see
Can you take me higher?
To the place with golden streets
Although I would like our world to change
It helps me to appreciate
Those nights and those dreams
But, my friend, I'd sacrifice all those nights
If I could make the Earth and my dreams the same
The only difference is
To let love replace all our hate
So let's go there
Let's make our escape
Come on, let's go there
Let's ask can we stay?
Up high I feel like I'm alive for the very first time
Up high I'm strong enough to take these dreams
And make them mine

oh yeah i've been off work since yesterday. after wednesday i was so dead that aiski and anni kicked me to realize that i need to rest. oh come on, i only like almost fainted a couple of times xD okay, this was needed, the maybe 15 hours of sleep yesterday and today a good night too. i feel slightly better.
today i'm going to kotka. before leaving i need to go and visit goa, get some of my more summerish stuff and take that back to kotka. warmer clothes, i neeeeed those now. autumn began too soon.
and miss my filly terribly...

we may rise and fall, but in the end we meet our fate together

still no salary. woohoo. and i saw mattila today couple of times, but he was either having a sales conversation or something as important on phone, or running to a meeting inside the office. and then when the meeting ended he flew out of the door before i could catch him. fooock. maybe i should call him, that should work xD
eemeli got the job ! hail and gongrats to him but it's still sorta sad that he leaves. if his meeting goes well tomorrow, he will start the job almost immediately and will never return to evening serviceeee ;____; then i'll be all alone with the ÄIJÄT and our new guy, tomppa. he listens to suomi rap... *death* ......... ok yeah. he's not that bad. but still, we seem to have nothing to talk about or in common. we just don't click, you know. i get along with eemeli and i got along with juho, ari and santtu too. and hugo x)) too bad they're all gone or leaving. fock. just gotta live with the fact that work isn't going to be so social anymore :D if only i'd just get that salaryyy........

i really need to take a shower now. and then off to visit the shop my girl is working at today. she ordered so. and she also told me to buy mysli and yoghurt. hoho. damn i have no munny. and no food. except that saaristolais leipä. damn it's good. but i can't live solely on that. and fuck. i really need the salary this week. need to get to kotkaaaaaa. fillyyyy oh how fucking much i miss her ;___;<3333333

we are lost, we can never go home

yesterday i was mentally kicking myself within 15 minutes from arriving to goa. for a while it was ok, but then, well... i fucking don't feel like i have a place there and frankly, i don't think i even want that. i'm sick of all the commune life, it just doesn't do any good to me. it's all fun and love for few days or a week or something, but not more. fuck i need an apartment. soon. fucking hell.
PLUS: today at work was very chill, no hurry at all, but i still felt like shit. my head has been spinning the whole day, my vision keeps blurring, my nose is stuffed and my throat hurts. gaah. i think i'm really sick now. whoops. too bad that i can't afford to take days off =)) fuck yeah. a new guy started today too, this some fruittari/amis kinda dude called tomppa. he's ok. boho i don't want eemeli to quit too soon ;____; he's such a darling x_x
but yeah. now i'm lagging at my girl's place and feeling like shit. and cursing that my goddamn salary hasn't come. and it probably won't before the end of the month =)))) fucking whee. must talk to mister mattila tomorrow about this, because i had a spoken agreement about my salary and it was supposed to be paid every two weeks. my bad that i was so goddamn tired and pöhnänen when i signed the damn workdeal that i didn't realize what it said about the payments. and now i'm just fucking pissed off. i'm basically broke =)) yay.
i think i need to lay down now. maybe watch telly or something and try to rest.

you know what you are

been scanning some sites with apartment for rent. some nice have indeed popped up.. hmm hmm.
DAMN i've been so tired the whole day. i nearly fell asleep just while ago... sigh. must muster up some energy, we're going to visit town centrum and some food shop. hungry...
gah versus white wine is good...........javascript:void(0)

i know it's really hard to see

gaaaaah. a drunkard entry, i hope i hope i won't fuck this up somehow. i was at anssu's party with my girl, but i really ended up hanging with this guy called niko. i really can't remember his irc nick XD bleaargh.
ok my girl want's to sleep. i gotta go to wash my teeth. ugh so much responsibilities...

and she said...

long time, no updates. been working HARD, been tired, and gah. and oh, waking up wwwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaayyyy too early on few mornings (been staying at my girl's place, i have to be out of the door 20 minutes earlier than usual............). aiski-shi sorta quit at evening service today. sad. not good. i have to wake up EARLY alone and go to work alone. boohoo.
but YEAHHH. now i'm at my girl's place AGAIN. we're gonna leave soon, to make an appearance at a party of some friend of my girl. i hope to higher powers i'm not going to be the oldest person in there (ok, this friend's mom is there too but....) XD need to drink some more white wine<333
something again broke my line of thought and i forgot what i was going to write here... damn. but. leaving soon. muahhahahah *hugo laughter*

OH BTW FUCK I'VE GOT HUGE MUSCLES !!!!!!! XDDDDDDDD

yo. at mah girl's apartment, leeching her comp. she's in teh showarrr... her roommate was out drinking last night and brought some friends along when she came home. they're noisy and listening to shitty music. and smoking inside, if my sence of scent doesn't fail me. eww.
today... well, i think i had something i really wanted to do. but again my brains fail. sigh.

come eat some chemicals with me

we got off work early today, all the big bosses left to italy on wednesday, the "lower-class" bosses wanted to get home early so they "kicked us out" 2 pm xD i'm not complaining. because we still get the full day's salary. muahahaha. this was a super easy day all the way. me likes.
but but but. i really shouldn't be sitting here in front of boris... i should hurry and take a shower, then hurry to towncentre, take care of some things and then fly to arabia before 6:30pm to meet my girl. gaaaaaaaaaaah i don't have enough hours in this day........................................................

what's this life for

there are things i should work out today but i really don't feel like it. mostly because i want it to be just us... ah fuck, klock ticks too fast.
but hot damn, i got my work "uniform" today, finally >8DD evening service, thankfuckingyou. maybe if i'll get that contract too soon.
and ogh nora made soooo good food today. foooooooood is good. cheese and all.... mmm.
agh i'm so tired. should roll over and go to sleep. i'm not sure where i'll sleep... yeah.

in a way i just want scream FUCK YOU at the whole world. and then there's this part that wants to lay down and sleep away the days.

if i'd say i'm feeling perfety fine, i'd be lying. hard. a lot. oh well, it seems things aren't changing, even if i'd again bring it up. it usually doesn't seem to make any difference. am i realy that unclear ? :D
tomorrow is going to be a busy day work. but that's ok. i like the excercise i get from it.
one thing that also annoys me endlessly: skinny, gorgeous people complaining about their weight and how disgusting they are. hello, i'm fighting to not fall back to eating disorders again ! have you ever stopped to listen to me and thought how things like that make me feel? i'm battling already.

gotta jet towards sleeping status. the klock is ticking millions.

ugh. that's all i can say. *eats pills*

do the "i love you"

hmm over ten days since i last updated. oh well, most peeps who i know are reading this blog already know that i've been staying at Goa since 18th day. i was really sick for most of the first week here... but i'm mostly okay now ^^ i started working at kataja event/evening service on thursday last week. it's been fun ! and my wrist isn't killing me, yet atleast. i have lost weight, aiski-shi's jeans are hardly staying up when i walk xD i'm glad thought that i have lost weight, and gotten fit. muscles, muscles, i love theeeeem~~~ all the things there i've been trying to fit in my head have caused me some stress and feeling stupid, useless even. but i'm getting there. today i left in my first workhourlist, 7 days of salary i shall await. and on monday i'll get the workclothes, finally. and no orders anywhere, yet. happyyyy !
aisuki is not here today, and wasn't at work, either. she had her wisdom tooth removed and left to lahti before i even got "home"...
agh i'm dying for some salty greasy lardy stuff... and candy x____x *death*

oh well. my brains fell on off mode. can't write anything more. i know i had something i wanted to get out of my system. fuck this. i'll go get a lonkero from the balcony.

i know that it's killing me, and it's poisoning the best of me

how much luck can one person have. my over a week lasting headache exploded on saturday, leaving me needing a visit to hospital... i got medicines which cost a fortune. and sickleave. the doctor thought that it's not a good idea if go to work on monday. and NOW i agree with her, hence the fact that i woke up few hours ago to a feeling of PAIN. my head hurt, my eyes hurt, my airways were feeling blocked and i had sweat the sheets and my t-shirt all wet. nice. so i popped the antibiotics in my mouth and some pain killers and headed to soak myself in boiling hot shower for half an hour. it helped to get some of the slime residing in my lungs and ontelotvity to come out... ah shit i still need to pack up all the stuff i will need since i'm not coming back to kotka that soon. and i need to and visit some offices and my apartment to get bills and stuff out. fucking hell.
oh yeah, as if it isn't all too cheery already: i think i broke my toe yesterday 8) the little toe of my right foot, it's been broken a number of times before so it's nothing new. but it hurts xD i rule the art of FAIL.

five for japanese babies

so the endurance races take place on 21st of september, it's sunday. i don't think i'll be taking part on those this time because i won't be here to train my dear. but i'll go and be on the service troops at least 8)
now i should REALLY go and take a shower, then make myself human, search some papers and then head off to city centre and take care of shitty busineeeeees. blah this is death. but evening today and tomorrow it's filly <3 and sunday morning some long maasto trip. god i'm going to miss her so bad...

in the sudden rain, although you stop again, you still believe in me

i am fucking coming to herushinki on sunday and starting the job on monday. holy shit. things are moving so fast P___P i was thinking that the job would possibly start on the 25th earliest .D not that i'm complaining too much, just need to try and be extra good and efficient on monday and wednesday. monday it's GB Gym martial arts show at 6 pm. bohoho why can't it be 7 pm. and on wednesday my girl lands on the surface of finland 6:10 pm. gyahaha. times times times. oh shit i think i'll be SO fucking beat after the first week 8D thank heavens i have aiski-shi as my sensei there ^^ she'll teach me everything i need to know about that job. she better not be quitting there too soon, no leaving me alone >8( BUT WORK MEANS MONEY AND IN THIS CASE IT MEANS LOTS OF MONEY. just need to check my taxes. the percent and all, i really have no idea at all how that works. i hope i won't have to make too many calls and fill too much papers. damn i hate papers. i hate byrocracy (or how the fuck you spell it dun care). ah shit i can't find that tax paper. shit. gotta search hard. tomorrow's going to be hectic. gotta run to a office after office. shit. shit. shit. AND FUCK YEAH XDDDDDDDDD

okay. i'm shaking. you guys should have seen me when aiski-shi called me. i was fucking sparkling :DD this silly grin still finds it's way to my face. god i love that girl SO MUCH !

today still to stables, ride with lulubell. maybe some dressage. hopefully that biatch won't start jumping on my face, i don't want anything to ruin my mood now that it's up for a change ^^

oh yeah, me and marji kinda agreed that we're going to go and shake our asses next weeks weekend. partyyyyy it is y/y ? maybe xD

an understanding, it's impossible

i finally got to finish reading this fic ---> Silent Hill (scroll down a few entries, it's there) and damn i loved it. the author had finished it too, since i last checked the page. i liked her writing a lot... makes me want to drown in to a world that's not even there. it would be so much easier just to try and keep going, killing everything that comes in your way, constantly fighting to stay alive and make it to the next day.

i decided to try with the pills again. can't take the pressure on/in my chest anymore. it's almost like i feel too much and my body just can't cope with it. i feel like i need to move and do things, or else i'll choke or just simply crumble down in pieces.

off for now, to smoke and well, maybe do some push ups and stuff.

i see you, type of girl with the pearls and all, jewels and all

three and more nights in a row i lay awake 'till late morning hours. i usually am up to see the sun rise. some part of me awaits, just a little something to tell me... well yeah. i get nothing thought. except a mention in a writing, a fucking question. you know, you could have sent me an sms. or something more personal. ah fuck this.

yesterday my filly was as nice as ever<3 stupid micro had kicked her, there was a little wound and some warmth on her leg. so hose, our best friend, comes along and gives us cold water. today it's the shoeing day, dears get new boots on. also means a day off. i think i'll still go to evening. that bitch is going to be there too. i hope she'd keel over and... mwaahahahah.

damn i think i need to get extensions. to my (non-existant) sideburns at least and maybe something else. just wouldn't really like to use the old ones since it means me playing with that awful glue again xDD last time my fingers died. really.

i also need to dye my hair again soon... oh le sigh.

i see the traps that stand in my way, i'll use my head to make it through

i'm so on fire abt the thought of getting to train mma style ! this place, GB Gym has it ALL ! getting to train there will require me moving to helsinki and getting a decent paying job. which can all be arranged quite easily actually. goddamnit i'm fucking buuuurning~~~~ thought at first i'm gonna start maybe kickboxing or muay thai, and keep watching how they train the vapaaottelu. get in shape and all first xD but LOVEEEEEEEEEEEEEE<33333

this needs a pic !
here u goo !


me wants ! most likely i will have to get the possible hipsurgery done first, but... blah !

off to stables now, i'm out !

i thought i knew what love was, what did i know

i had thoughts i wanted to write. and damned they are now gone. sigh.

kotka peeps, wanna hang out some pretty (or not so) day/moment/whateverthefuck ?

the breaking of the fellowship is coming closer each day

ropecon was lol. i lol'd a lot. and dissaus is life.

i sort of feel... useless. like i'm not needed. not worthy. jealous, too, in a way. is it really so that it's more fun/important/whatever to keep in touch with other people and not me. i'm fighting not to let this feeling take over.

today i shall go back to kotka.

today it's definitely a BAD hair day. this one stupid wisp of a wannabe curl on the left side of my forehead just won't settle and DAMN it's ugly and i hate it yugh.

lol negays, we're off now. to ask a job for nora, check out this yoyogi park thing and then... ROPECON >8))

we walk amongst you, feeding, raping

uh STILL @ goa. i was thinking abt leaving today but WHUT it seems i'm not going anywhere yet. fucking too lazy to move it seems. aiski-shi's friend comes by six pmish to drop some stuff of hers. after that me and nora are supposedly leaving to see if there's anything interesting going on at ropecon xD first time to see that, for me. waiting anxiously.
need to contact tiina soon too. need to go and pick up my girl's keys from their ap. yeah. gonna be here when she returns. definitely<3
today we've been lusting for some good larp. vampires, preferably atm. love love love.

ugh should make myself look like a human. walking out of the door would be more nice like that, maybe.

i remember all of your dreams

still @ goa. sorta missed my workinterview to kotka's mcdonald's. i'm not sure i care.
days have been... well, what the days often here are :D tomorrow i'm probably going back to kotka, or friday morning maybe. missing my fillyjay terribly.
now me & norbax are gonna take off and head to town centre and buy some artstuff she's dying to get.

np. RUN - SHINHWAAAAAAAAAAA ;;_________;;<333333333

so in the end i'll be what i will be

i weight now more than i have in oh dunno, the past fucking half a year ?! how fucking disgusting. thank god i know a few pounds of that are just the mere amount of pizza i ate. we made 2 of them and my god they were full of grease xD 1 kg of creamcheese we used and fillings, oh so much of them. good good it was, yes, but oh so fatty. nasty fat fat fat. we hates it, oh how we hates it, precioussss, yes we does *gollum voice*

heard some from my dear. what a time to be texting with someone, 4 am here and 10 am there. weird. and how weird it is that i seem to need her more and more, and i miss her even more now that she is so far away. miles miles miles, how much they put weight on things.

later today i really need to go for a run. hopefully aiski-shi's running shoes could be borrowed and would fit me.

oh and we watched x-men 3. gahaha it was nice.

gonna go to sleep now. put alarm to 9 am, maybe i can actually open my eyes and maybe catch her when she comes online...

you are lost, you can never go home

for fucks sake why the hell can't i get to livejournal !!!!! stoopid thing just redirects me to some http://www.quantcast.com/ page P___P cruel.
but this being the case i think i have to write here then... hmmm. how do i feel now ? surprisingly serene. it's kinda weird to be hanging here alone (well not really, since T-chan is in the other room). and at the same it's not weird. feels similar to be hanging in my own ap. maybe because i spend almost as much time there and here, and always with her... and then a day after she leaves i just sit in front of the comp alone. weird.
i just hope our homeland ruksu doesn't mind me being here too much. she woke me up today, visiting the fridge and informing that folks are coming over this afternoon and she's going to make some noise aka use the vacuumcleaner. so i gets up. and comes here. i think i should maybe head out soon ? to be outta the way, you know. gagagaga.
hmmgh. yesterday, after seeing my precioussss to the bus taking them to the airport, i hanged around the town for a while. visited some sales, found nothing except these pants *-* the comfiest pants EVER. and they're "only" 30 e... should i buy them or not ? i could use that money on something else. and i'd probably need it for something else. ah shit. i hardly ever use any other type pants than jeans (to public places that is) so these would be a welcome change, Y/N ? decisions decisions.

today it's not as hot as it was yesterday. so probably no going to beach/tanning. that elvenmountain is still calling meeee.... and i should get together with aiski, to plan our trip to come later this month i think. maybe i should SMS her.

sweet tapdancing jesus, it surely shows on my face and body that i ate a bag of tortillachips yesterday :D ONLY 490 kcal per 100 grams and the pack was 400 grams. LARD. i'd so need a run. but. don't have my runningstuff. girl said i could use her stuff, but i'm not sure where i could find that said stuff, and can't be bothered to dig around her closets. oh le sigh. the problems of being lazy.
but atleast my hair is not so kulahtanut anymore. mah girl dyed it yesterday, i'm back in black, bitches ! over a year it has been, yes it has, preciousss~~

oh well i shall get dressed and try to get a hold on someone. to hang with.

//EDIT: so i need to leaveee~~ the coming peeps are gonna stay the night and use mah girls bed. hopefully they are authorised xD T-chan just left to get them from maybe railwaystation dunno, so i have a while to get my shit together and be gone ! YO DUDES CAN I COME TO GOA ??? if not then i think i'm gonna have to leave herushinki for now... but yap damn answer ur sms's and nora please come back from that busy statuuuus~~

leave taking

according to what my friends vote on face book i suck at dancing. tear.
ugh, my right ankle, left knee and right wrist are all swollen. the feet parts because we (me, mah girl, saana-chan, aiski-shi & nora) did this really random trip yestreday: we went to vuosaari and headed for this hill called mustavuori ! fucking epic trip. as usual, we just couldn't use the roads, no. we went through forests, fields, old vittujäteasema, more bushes... but we made it the mount doom alive :D isengard was there to tell us our location all the time x) back "home" we made it something after 12:30 am...
this morning has been slow. i dyed anni's hair, she's now in the shower washing it off. so we just wait to see how it turned out. agh. in a way i feel kinda.. empty. thinking about seeing her go in just a few hours... and i don't know how far i will be allowed to come to see her off. maybe she wants to go to the airport alone ? ok not alone but yeah. shit.
oh le sigh.

oh looky, just like us yesterday ! just not sure who's the pony...

oh le sigh.

where once was light now darkness falls

so now i'm here, at my girl's place. don't know where i'll go when she leaves for japan... maybe back to kotka ? gah dunno.
fuck i'm balding ! my left temple doesn't grow hair properly.... sniiiiiiiiiif. viil viil viil. in other ways too i'm having a huge hair crisis xD fail. the biggest problem is should i dye my hair black or go lighter again. gah. i know i'll get fucking tired of lighter tones all too soon. but......... it's hecka easier to manage. you know, not so much worrying abt roots and stuff... but black ! issues, issues, oh the issues. i always have issues. about one thing or another, more serious or lighter in sense. and they really don't get solved... oh le sigh.

oh well. we're going to sleep soon... mah girl needs to get up in a few hours so. yap yap.

i have cried more during this year than the 10 years prior. i feel like i can't take this much longer. i need to get away. i'm choking in this all and i just can't take it. the pills might be here soon again to numb me.

and a voice that made me cry

feeling like i do not belong. that i have no place in this "group". like no matter what i find myself looking from the side and being left out.

You are one of God's mistakes
You crying tragic waste of skin
I'm well aware of how it aches
And you still won't let me in

Now I'm breaking down your door
To try and save your swollen face
Though I dont like you anymore
You lying trying waste of space

My, oh my
A song to say goodbye
A song to say goodbye
A song to say...

For our innocence was lost
You were always one of those
Blessed with lucky sevens
And a voice that made me cry

My, oh my
You were mother nature's son
Someone to whom I could relate
Your needle and your damage done
Remains a sorry twist of fate

Now I'm trying to wake you up
To pull you from the liquid sky
Cuz if I don't we'll both end up
With just your song to say goodbye

My, oh my
A song to say goodbye
A song to say goodbye
A song to say...

For our innocence was lost
You were always one of those
Blessed with lucky sevens
And a voice that made me cry

i damn near had a fucking panic attack just a while ago. i fucking hate this so much. so so so goddamn much. sometimes i just want to run away and never see any of these people again. would save me and them a lot headache.
right now i feel agitated and would like to get the hell outta here. i'd need to be alone and think (which is really not good but..) and listen some music and fucking cry my eyes out. i don't know. i'll try to push this choking away and fake okay. i probably fail, but fucking same difference.

remember how i made you scream

i'm tired, pissed off, and totally not in the mood to explain anything to anyone and take the blame of something that really isn't my fault. fuck this. i'm going to alko, getting some booze, then somewhat drunk y/y ? =))

and I can tell you my love for you will still be strong, after the boys of summer have gone

hohohohHOHOHOH 8D

i have fucking been up since 5:20 am and now i stop to take a breath ! went to take care of the morningchores at stables. i.e. fed the pretties and took them out. mims came there with me. yuca was supposed to come too, but *krhm* something happened XD so it was just me and mims. she took maycon and i took my precioussss<33
we rode to kalmankuja, where pertti gave bread to the girls, vili almost stomped bioska and yuca decided to jump on a bike and come to the river with us :D vili seemed highly amused by the guy biking next to her, and shen we were on our way back she decided she wasn't letting juube go faster and past her with his bike. so she jumped up a gait and ran<3 mah baby was having so much fun ^^
when we got to katis, mims threw yuube on maikki's saddle and he rode the rest of the trip. he seemed so happy :D

GODDAMNIT ! i should be at kotkansaari already ;________; that fucking byrokratiapaska closes at 3 or 3:30 pm ! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK. i think i'll be forced to walk all the way to kyminlinna desu. blaaaaaaaaaaaargh.

i'm outta cigs ;___;

oh shit anni & saana are jumping to their bus soon P___P shait.

Pierrot - Hill ~genkaku no yuki~ ;;______;;

this tense silence all around me,
i'm waiting for you on the hill where we promised to meet
the song of prayer goes on, it still hasn't reached you.

the noise and breath in the air drift by,
i lost sight in a city where hope is nowhere to be seen.
no matter how I search for the answer,
i'm unable to grab you with hands gone numb with cold.

"i'll softly light up the darkness in your heart"
the hallucinatory snow freezes my wish,
so nothing can take it away.

so don't go to sleep yet, the wind is blowing on that hill,
wiping out everything.
surely there's still memory remaining in fingers which touched
colored in the bright light

the sun which exposes the reality,
the moonlight which paints a fantastical dream
and you, just standing there sadly, confused and left behind.

"i'll softly light up the darkness in your heart"
the hallucinatory snow freezes my wish,
so nothing can take it away.

so don't go to sleep yet, the wind is blowing on that hill,
in that familiar place,
surely there's still memory remaining in the feelings we're losing.
colored in the bright light.

"the hallucinatory snow showed us the unknown future and then disappeared"

so don 't go to sleep yet, i'm waiting for you on that hill,
leaving behind everything.
surely there's still memory remaining in the warmth of when we held one another.
colored in the bright light.

*cries*

you got your hair combed back, and sunglasses on, baby

again, i'm out of words. reading her writings, damn i was near tears. i hate this, and love this, being a total mess of emotions. 3 weeks will be hell of a long time.
i wanna go to new zealand. or something. i don't know.

"remember boys: flies spread diseases. so keep yours closed!" - george luz <333

i feel it in the air, the summer's out of reach

i'm heavily addicted to don henley's boys of summer.
and hot damn how empty this apartment feels after she's gone.
i should get the heck outta this place soon, my lungs and throat are dying. it's still raining outside, thought. blah. maybe i'll watch this episode of TUF till the end and leave after that...

what shall happen next year ? ^^


Sillä tämä ilta kävellään käsi kädessä
ihmisten edessä
Älä sinä muiden katseista välitä
sillä me ollaan yhdessä
Ne ei tiedä mitään, ne ei kuulu tähän tarinaan
joka harvoille luetaan
<3

remember how you made me crazy

yesterday i woke up to an SMS saying that we're off to get suvi back home 10:30. this was 9:15. hurry hurry. but now suvela is home ^^ after some struggling thought, she was very determined NOT to get in our horsecarrier. too much fun with the boys, eh ? :D anygays, anni came six pmish and yeah.
i wish i could drink my coffee but it's too hot ;___;

it's f'n fine weather outside ! me wants to go lay under teh sun <3

and we come to end of days

a question: should i dye my hair a) black or b) that beautiful shade of lightbrown Uruha so often has ? maybe i'll just go black. simple, looks fine. EXCEPT ! i'd need to dye my eyebrows and lashes too. shit. the "benefits" of being a natural redhead: your facial hair (LOL) is near invisible ! woohoo.
damn u nora, for putting born lyrics as your headline :D i just HAD TO dl born immediately and listen to it. and now i'm on a despa mood. damn. ah fuck i hate this band. they have too many songs that make me all emotional. fuckers. damn hizumi. damn all those guys. not really. come back to F-land puriisu kay ?

gah brain failure. i really had something to say. can't remember now. how typical.

how well does this describe the going-on's inside my head.... xD

bwahahah <3

when the seas and mountains fall

just finished watching fellowship of the ring extented version. gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah lotrpdgdfjgohidf<333
yesterday horseflies (paarmat fuck) tried to eat me and filly alive. evil evil nasty thingies >8( !! i have bitemarks all over my arms and my legs... riding is no fun for me or my ponny these days, stupid paarmas *hissssssssssss*
oh yeah. i bought this kulta lonkero yesterday, eves recommended it to me :D it tastes just like TEHO ! jollygood. but i still like normal lonkero better. hmm hmm hmm.

i still keep having these feelings of suffocation, anger... feeling useless and empty and ugly. i hope they will pass soon. i really hope.

i think i need to fix up something to eat. can't cycle if no energy.

Twinkling of Paradise

i wish.
today i'm not sick. yay.
and i have no time to write anything clever. should already be on my f'n way to stables.
but i watched more lotr extras today<3 fellowship of the ring, sniiiif. i wanna go back in time.
plus i'm listening to shinhwa<3 ah nostalgia. i hate this.

np. nothing by 신화 <33

pic of the day:

i absolutely love this picture. elijah is spgjiosgiodhg but this picture... <3 taken by viggo, as you can see.
... i use the "smaller-than-three" thing way too much.

fatty fatty fuckin' pigs

my guts are rolling around inside me and trying desperately to climb up and out my throat. fucking sweet. i already threw up once, couldn't help it, but no such luck that this would be over. there's food in the kitchen, spaghetti and some sauce which is f'n good but right now even the thought of eating makes me feel like running to the toilet again. atleast the worst part seems to have passed: i'm not deadly white anymore and not sweating and shaking that much. wtf is this really. i'm blaming the rice i ate something noonish.

i found a band today: The Underneath and their previous project or something Transtic Nerve. both are marvellous. the reason i ran into them is that taste of chaos tour. the underneath was there with despa & muccu. so i just had to check what they are like. and their vocalist is hot..............................

PLUS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ATREYU IS COMING TO FINLAND HOLYFUCKINGSHITSPAZZZZZZZZZZZZMMMMMM !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and mucc is along that ride ! october 12th ! i can treat that as a birthday present for ME. aaaaaaaaaaatreyuuuuuuu~~~<33

A-L-S-O !
why does hiroto seem to have a huge penis ? the bulge in his pants is huge. maybe in japan the small guys compensate their lack of height in other regions ? hmmm.

i think i'll go and smoke one. then lay down, because this nausea is killing me.

face the pain

i would SO much want to get wasted off my head. not happening.
that goddamn kaakki had kicked my filly's legs open again today. bad. i'm fucking going to kill that horse's owner soon.
gah can't write. brainfailure. fuck this.

AI PAPIIIIII~~~~

mulle tälläin tukka kthnxbai



*himostelmehustelkasvattelfledail*

i'm tired. i always am these days... no matter what time i go to sleep my body'll wake up no less than 12 hrs after. 12 hrs. it's fucking lot. but i just can't get myself to wake up earlier. like last night: i go to bef abt 2 am and today i woke up at 2 pm. i miss most of the day... lame.

blah i'd like to say many many things but blaaaaa vittu.

HOLY SCHNITTZELLLL !!!!!!

The Ultimate Fighting Championship® (UFC®) will storm
into the British Midlands for the first time when UFC 89 touches down
at the National Indoor Arena, Birmingham, on October 18.

The stacked super-card featuring the world’s greatest fighters will
include the middleweight fight which has set mixed martial arts fans
ablaze with anticipation - as England’s own Michael ‘the Count’
Bisping finally collides with Chris ‘the Crippler’ Leben.

EXCLUSIVE OFFICIAL UFC89 VIP PACKAGES, including Meet and Greet with UFC Fighter(s) before the Show, TO BOOK CLICK HERE

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH !!!!

"katsotaan kuinka kauan tammoilla riittää leipäkorttia"
osui, upposi ja sai tärisemään kuin helvetti. en tahtoisi ajatella heti pahinta, en tahtoisi vielä hajota ja itkeä. lähellä, niin vitun lähellä.
lululla on siis helvetin moinen haava takajalassa, koko jalka on turvonnut ja kuuma, haavasta valuu mätää. ei laske painoa sille jalalle, hengittää tuskaisesti. pajulahti putsasi, desinfioi, antoi kipulääkettä. katsotaan mitä tulee. se vitun topi pitää saada vittuun tuolta laumasta. ammun sen kaakin jos sen saatanan potkimisen takia lululta loppuu elämä. ja ehkä vaan hakkaan sen omistajan. ehkä kevyesti pieksen. ehkä saatana.
ja vililläkin jalka oireilee. oli ollut turvoksissa selvästi tänään aamulla. sanonko että saatana.

lievästi hajottaa, vituttaa suunnattomasti ja tekisi mieli pahoinpidellä ihmisiä. ja nyt tuli olo että voisin taas tappaa veljeni. sen nuorimman. ei vittu tulla lukemaan toisten tekstejä olan yli. ei helvetti tulla. kuulan kalloon tarttis toi kakara. tai ehkä jotain kivuliaampaa joo.

jätä pelko taaksesi tänään

oikeest mikä on tää että yhden lonkeron jälkeen päässä tuntuu raskaalta ? :D asiaan saattanee vaikuttaa se, etten ole tiistai-aamun jälkeen syönyt juuri mitään. ja karmea nestehukka oli alla, kun tähän lysähdin.
kuuntelen maj karmaa ja mietin, miksi en ole aikaisemmin tajunnut kuinka hyvä tämä bändi oikeasti on. aivan loistavia lyriikoita täynnä.
VITTU TAHDON KUNNON BASSOT TÄHÄN KÄMÄISEEN KONEESEEN KIINNI KIITOS !!
moshailenpa tästä turmion kätilöiden tahtiin kuselle ja sitten ehkä puen jotain päälle, ihan ilman mitään ei vielä kehtaa mennä parvekkeelle. ehkä sitten just ennen kuin muutan.

life is hell.
i would like to write down my feelings about the days i spent in helsinki, since a lot happened, but i'm too tired. it's fucking draining, you know ? to constantly be on the breaking point.
ah fuck this, i've got my long drink, tortilla chips, candy and the ultimate fighter. i'm a happy fucker for few hours.

KOHTI TISSIÄ, JA SEN YLI !

@ mims' again :D came here so that anni can sleep (she has to get up something like 4:30 am...), and i didn't feel like sleeping and/or waking up alone and spending big part of tomorrow alone ;__;
what what what to say... hmm, weekend has been quite eventful. in good ways and not so good. can't be bothered (and don't really want to) go on details about everything. i don't even know how some things are going to be from now on. oh le sigh.
blaah. next up is more lagaing front of the telly and wathing this show called 30 days, the "host" dude is going to be a muslim this time for a month XD hopefully it's as interesting as it sounds.

TURPA KII, PÄIN VITTUA, HUI HAI !!

yo. i'm at mims' place, still debating werther or not i should try and get in to that Pride women only party. a part of me is sort of afraid that i'll run into some people from few years back and that can be either good or bad. sigh. so i drink booze and try to think. i'm starting to think that i should atleast go and check if i can get in... agh i hate this.
off to balcony and smoke with mims. and drink. more. blaah.

voi muna

tahon nyt kirjottaa suomeks koska aivot EI TOIMI !

... mie en tiiä ! uskaltauduin viimeinki laittaa viestii raunille, kesti homokauan psyykkaa itteni siihen, koska en vaan KEHTAA 8( plus en mie vittu tiiä haluuko ihmiset et ees tulisin hesaan, kun en oo bilerintamaan tunkees kuitenkaa. mie en tiiä perkele mitää. väyläski asiat vaa oli sellast yhy syyllistävää sävyy ja pilkunnussintaa ko ei ollu vakiotyöntekijät paikal ollenkaa vaa jouduin sokeltaa joillee jotka näin tyylii ekaa kertaa sil konsertti matkal ja ARGH VITTU. sekavaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. mut ainaki tuli selväks et hei mun raha-asiat kusee rankast ja ne tulee vaan kusemaan lisää. siispä... *selaa mollii* JOTAIN KIITOSHH ELÄMÄ.
tahon juua. lagaa mimbsanpimbsan kans telkun ees ja pelaa pleikkaa ja kirjottaa seikkaluu ja lipittää jotaa "limuu" ja röhöttää tyhmille (read: laadukkaille) jutuille. laatu is us. always.
tai ehk oikeesti vaan jään lagaa kotkaa ja vithy homehun palasiks ja löllöilen ympäriinsä. niinku se vihree öggö digimon joka heittelee liilaa paskaa, mikäs se oli, NUMEMON ! joo. miun tulevaisuus. muahaha.

HABL HABL JA MUUTA KAKKAA >8OO

//EDIT: HABL HABL ! keräkkää miulle kolehti et pääsen naistenbileisii ;____; olis ehk just sen verran täpäkkää mut ehk tahdon syädä jotain vkl :D ITKU POTKU RAIVARI.

HABL HABL !

ainii. i present to you: MY FUTURE !

there will be no clapping ! >8O

kuin on oikeesti mahdollista että kahtena päivänä peräkkäin päädyn kalastamaan samaa irti juoksevaa hevosta tallin mailta ???? :D toissapäivänä lulu tuli aidasta läpi kun jätin sen odottamaan että haen ensin vilin ja suvin. sit se paineli mukanamme tallille, onneks seuras ihan rauhallisesti eikä lähten sutii minnekää. ja sit eilen! otin suvin eka sisään kun v+l ei jaksaneet vielä liikkuu toisest päästä laitsaa... ja sit otin vilin kiinni, avasin portin ja koitin nappaa lulua, joka häseltäessään (ahnehtiessaan onko mulla herkkuja..) tökkäs turpansa sähkölankaan ja sai tietysti kamalan paskalaagin ja kiiteli micron ja maijan luokse. ei ees antannu kiinni kun henna koitti tarjota leipää, eeei kun sekin antaa varmasti tällin. nutipäääää. onneks se meni taas nätisti talliin :D SIGH.

okay just had to rant that in finnish, because my verbal expression is very limited right now, i fail.
there's a change i could come to helsinki tomorrow, since on the route to vihti we go along kehä 3 supposedly, so when we're like coming back i could jump of the truck and come hang there. just hang because i definitely have no money to party. just don't know if i want to ruin my girl's weekend like that. heck i don't even know would she choose party over me :DD fuck this.

i'm bloated like no tomorrow. the painkillers i got from the doc on monday, well i seem to be allergic to them or something, because the fluids started gathering on my body during already the first night ! yuckh. sucks, because i'd really need some painkillers. my hand is hurting like hell all the time and it's swollen... stoopid.
what else... hmm, i wonder should this blog be one of limited viewing... nah too lazy. to care. blah.
gonna go and run around the city for a few hours today, gotta get some things arranged.
AND FUCK I STILL DON'T KNOW IF I'LL SELL THE MIYAVI TICKET OR NOT !!!!!!!!!!!!! >___<

.... sigh.

GOD MONEY !

blah blah money blah blah blah hate blah blöäääääärgh.

i am going to london in october. i just decided it yesterday. especially if the leben vs. pisbing (whateveritwas) match is on. UFC is coming to looondoooon ! and i'm going toooooo ! i have to ! gyarh.
agreed to go and visit kotka tkd next week, probably thursday. need to give janne back his battlestar galactica dvds, i've had them like... few years XD fail. maybe i'll get to work out some. and break my self. woohoo !

going to stables today, ride with filly<3 yesterday it was lulubell. suvela is leaving to Vihti on friday. i might be going with rauni on that trip... we shall see.

DAMN DENTIST fucked up my jaw. it hurts all the time and the left side of my jaw is swollen. fucking hell. i should call and try to get a doctor's appointment, to get my back, leg and skin checked. sucks. tired. hurting. blaeaeergh. and now my phone is fucking with me too. am trying desperately to add some music and this damn system just keeps crashing. fuck fucketi fuck fuck fuck.
gotta jet. bus leaves in 13 mins... shit.

//EDIT: whoops. didn't leave after all. clock beat me, plus got some of the shait arranged via cell. going tomorrow. sigh.
now am busy eating myself into a lardblob and then... working ouuut.

and it's poisoning the best in me

clearly i have to stop thinking and writing. does good to my head at the moment, but afterwards... fuck this.

like gunshots heard against a silent night

Some how I feel like screaming my lungs out, so hard that my head would explode. I feel like something is pressing my chest in and I can hardly breathe and my head spins. Why am I always so damn afraid of getting cheated ?? Well, it's happened before, so I seem to find it impossible to trust that it won't happen again. And there's really no-one I can talk with about this, because well, "news" travel fast and blaaah fuck.
Plus it annoys me that it seems I HAVE TO BE the one to bring myself completely down and into huge financial problems if I want to see people who are dear to me. It feels like no-one else really wants to spend that much money on seeing me. Funny. Not really. Hurting, yes. Just my mind ? Maybe.

So I'm off the cemetery duty. For at least 2 weeks now. My hand is failing me again. And my back. Fucking hell. So much for getting some order in my life.

Damnit I'm tempted not to post this at all or just post a super edited version, because I know that well... sigh.

Gonna take a shower and watch The Ultimate Fighter. My only joys lol.

i can't keep telling myself what i want to hear
i can't just close my eyes

i know that
its killing me
and its poisoning the best in me
what i see i don't want to believe
so let me tell you more
about the lies i lead

Dundundun~~ I'm watching The Ultimate Fighter season one and drinking skumppa ! Yay.
The Midsummer's was quite uneventful because the weather was JUST like it should every year: it rained. A fucking lot. So we lagaed in front of the tv and drank some. And got tired and went to bed 1 am something :D Or tried, because Annika decided she needed to start making drunken calls to Saana, over an over again even thought she didn't answer even once. So the she makes Susanna call ME, and I had to really fight not to be really rude :D Damnit I was trying to sleep ! GAH !!!

Ah life is happyyyyyyy. Not. Ok well probably yeah. Damnit that Saana left, today it's real wonderful weather and so so so so on ! And Anni is trying to chew my arm off.......................................................................

Yap yap.

Grau 8))

GRAU !
Bohoho my right wrist is swollen. It doesn't like the gardening job. Bleargh.
But yeah, made it through the day again, brought 4 bags of flowers for mom and Anneli (mom's friend) and still need to make a flower... THINGY to put some of the prettiest violets in. Plus I posted the D'espa photobook and got my bro's package of some rockclimbing books from the post office on the same visit. Now I'm cathing my breath (by checking out Leben's and Forrest's myspaces XDD) and waiting for the salmon to get ready in the oven.
Gotta post this:

Chris gets a ton of emails everyday from people asking how he gets in shape for fights, what his workout regimen is like, what kind of diet he follows, etc. So here's a list of the top 10 things that have contributed to Chris' success as a fighter. Enjoy.

1. I like to split up my workouts throughout the day. Drill and work cardio in the morning, and then do hard rounds at night.

2. Switch to light beer.

3. Eat lots of vegetables. Don't eat dairy products. Nuts are good.

4. Don't start drinking beer until after noon.

5. Plyometric exercises are an excellent way to get into fighting shape.

6. Don't have sex at least a week before your fight. Aw who am I kidding...

7. Try to drink at least a gallon of water a day.

8. Line your mouthpiece with chew. This will help it stay in better, and it'll give you that extra boost of energy during your fight. I prefer Copenhagen.

9. Before your fight, shave your entire body and cover yourself with lotion. This will help you slip out of submissions easier.

10. Don't shower the day before your fight. On second thought, make it 3 days. Don't brush your teeth, either.

Now I'm not going to guarantee that they will work for everyone, but hopefully you found these tips useful enough.

Hohoho he's brilliant <3 2. Switch to light beer. XD Chris, you're so my man ! Maybe I should try his advices xD Maybe I could get in shape ! Lol.

A-L-S-O !
Anni is coming later today. Saana-chan tomorrow. And vi ska reub and partee the Midsummer's eve ! Reub reub reub. Dancing also is calling me. Hmmm. We shall see. I believe that in few hours from now I'm going to be ready to pass out. Lack of sleep catches me really fast. We shall see.

A-L-S-O !
Atreyu ! Really, I've been listening to nothing else but Atreyu during the past few days. Need to put some more their stuff on my phone, I've only got like 6 songs or so, and listening to those for 5 hours does get kinda onesided after a while. Thought I'll never get tired to songs like Honor, Becoming the bull, Epic (faith no more cover). But I need moreeee !

A-L-S-O !
I hate Hiroto for tartuttaing this stupid thing to me XD

Yeah. Nothing else for now.

Leben<3

".. and I'm like "that's cool". "

Just one thing: Forrest <3 Goddamnit how can a guy be so damn... no well rento, laid back, funny, hot, everything ??? And he's successful, that usually does things to people, but not him. Agh this kills meeeeeeeeeeeeeee ! Wanna go and hit the octacon in MMA womens thingy. Train train train train.
Oh and of course I gotta mention Chris Leben. Damn he's gotten hot since TUF season 1. Ok IMO he was fucking gorgeous, sorta symppis, cute all that jazz already then but wow he's HOTTTTT with gazillion t's and in letter the size of fucking globe. Grau.
Damn I must be horny as hell subconsciously or something because duh, it's not like me to kuolail some men this much usually :D GODDAMNIT WHERE'S MY MAN ??? Chriiiiiiis ?!?! Wanna trade Hawaii for Finland or send me a ticket to get there ??? Forreeeeest ???? Wanna ditch your bitch Jaime and ummm... yeah ?????? *rollllll* XD
Ok I think I'm going crazy or something. Nothing new, is there ?

Oh yeah, my work sucks. I already find myself hating flowers with a passion. After I end this (i.e. my head says poof or my back stops co-operating, which has already started...) I fucking never wanna see flowers again XD Or cemeteries. No thank you.

And just to flood the page width or something, a pic of Forrest !

Oh dear, it's not a flooder after all. Forrest on the right, Stephan Bonnar on the left. TUF season 1 Light Heavy Weight finalists ^^ Grau.

Now I really need to stop typing here. Bunch of crap, nothing else !

Honestly WTFLOL ?

Umm... why does it feel like no matter what I say and to who, it still travels to everyone's ears ? Really.
But yeah. Had my first episode of cemetery joobb and it was k. If we ofcourse don't count the fact that I have to get up at 5:30 every morning. Not funny. Not even by a longshot :D I was SO dead when I woke up today... but miraculously coffee and the hurried 5 min bikeride there managed to open my eyes ! I know that I'm going to end up hating grass, flowers, tombstones, anything to do with gardening XD Blisters have already appeared on my haaaands~~~
Sigh. Mom and bro are building a flowerholderthingy. Hammering away on the backyard. And I have to start a trip to Turvala, check for letter from the apartment office and bills. Blaegh. Lazyyy. Mims did throw out an idea of getting a little tipsy today... hmmm, fascinating ! Haven't drank anything in like a... week and few days XD I fail. Gonna throw Borgir a message anygays, to see if we'd just taste a little something ^^
2 whole days and then a half till she comes <3