life is hell.
i would like to write down my feelings about the days i spent in helsinki, since a lot happened, but i'm too tired. it's fucking draining, you know ? to constantly be on the breaking point.
ah fuck this, i've got my long drink, tortilla chips, candy and the ultimate fighter. i'm a happy fucker for few hours.

like gunshots heard against a silent night

Some how I feel like screaming my lungs out, so hard that my head would explode. I feel like something is pressing my chest in and I can hardly breathe and my head spins. Why am I always so damn afraid of getting cheated ?? Well, it's happened before, so I seem to find it impossible to trust that it won't happen again. And there's really no-one I can talk with about this, because well, "news" travel fast and blaaah fuck.
Plus it annoys me that it seems I HAVE TO BE the one to bring myself completely down and into huge financial problems if I want to see people who are dear to me. It feels like no-one else really wants to spend that much money on seeing me. Funny. Not really. Hurting, yes. Just my mind ? Maybe.

So I'm off the cemetery duty. For at least 2 weeks now. My hand is failing me again. And my back. Fucking hell. So much for getting some order in my life.

Damnit I'm tempted not to post this at all or just post a super edited version, because I know that well... sigh.

Gonna take a shower and watch The Ultimate Fighter. My only joys lol.

i can't keep telling myself what i want to hear
i can't just close my eyes

i know that
its killing me
and its poisoning the best in me
what i see i don't want to believe
so let me tell you more
about the lies i lead

Dundundun~~ I'm watching The Ultimate Fighter season one and drinking skumppa ! Yay.
The Midsummer's was quite uneventful because the weather was JUST like it should every year: it rained. A fucking lot. So we lagaed in front of the tv and drank some. And got tired and went to bed 1 am something :D Or tried, because Annika decided she needed to start making drunken calls to Saana, over an over again even thought she didn't answer even once. So the she makes Susanna call ME, and I had to really fight not to be really rude :D Damnit I was trying to sleep ! GAH !!!

Ah life is happyyyyyyy. Not. Ok well probably yeah. Damnit that Saana left, today it's real wonderful weather and so so so so on ! And Anni is trying to chew my arm off.......................................................................

Yap yap.

".. and I'm like "that's cool". "

Just one thing: Forrest <3 Goddamnit how can a guy be so damn... no well rento, laid back, funny, hot, everything ??? And he's successful, that usually does things to people, but not him. Agh this kills meeeeeeeeeeeeeee ! Wanna go and hit the octacon in MMA womens thingy. Train train train train.
Oh and of course I gotta mention Chris Leben. Damn he's gotten hot since TUF season 1. Ok IMO he was fucking gorgeous, sorta symppis, cute all that jazz already then but wow he's HOTTTTT with gazillion t's and in letter the size of fucking globe. Grau.
Damn I must be horny as hell subconsciously or something because duh, it's not like me to kuolail some men this much usually :D GODDAMNIT WHERE'S MY MAN ??? Chriiiiiiis ?!?! Wanna trade Hawaii for Finland or send me a ticket to get there ??? Forreeeeest ???? Wanna ditch your bitch Jaime and ummm... yeah ?????? *rollllll* XD
Ok I think I'm going crazy or something. Nothing new, is there ?

Oh yeah, my work sucks. I already find myself hating flowers with a passion. After I end this (i.e. my head says poof or my back stops co-operating, which has already started...) I fucking never wanna see flowers again XD Or cemeteries. No thank you.

And just to flood the page width or something, a pic of Forrest !

Oh dear, it's not a flooder after all. Forrest on the right, Stephan Bonnar on the left. TUF season 1 Light Heavy Weight finalists ^^ Grau.

Now I really need to stop typing here. Bunch of crap, nothing else !