i liked the way we slept on rooftops in the summertime

being back here has brought up so many thoughts and doubts. and fears. i hate this. i wish my head was as clear as the sky on nice freezing winter morning =)) but i'll get past this. we will. i trust in that.
gah how is it possible to be this tired even thought i slept something like 9-10 hours ??? and i still need to go to stables and ride lulubell and nuunuu my fillyjay<33 god how much it hurts to even think i'm giving her up completely. no, i won't do that. i will come and visit during weekends, and when i've worked long enough and saved some money, i will buy her and bring her closer to me<333 who cares if she's already on the older side of horse's age ? who cares if she's not the greatest and most expensive competition horse ever ?? i don't, i love her so much it hurts. she's the most important thing ever. she will be mine, sooner or later <3333
but yes. it was strange to try and fall asleep alone o__o i was dead tired but still i couldn't catch the dreamland. booh. but, only one night alone ^^ then... !
yeah. now off to pack some stuff, change clothes and gagaga all that :D

so let's go there, let's make our escape

i never thought i'd find myself in a situation like this so early in life. yet, here i am, head over heels and can't imagine a life without her. there's a big part of me that want's to run away, run and never look back, before i get hurt again. but this time, THIS FUCKING TIME i won't run. this time i'm going to fight, and hopefully win against my head. i'm fucking scared and doubtful but fuck, all good things require hell of an amount of work, don't they. and i'm willing to work for this.

When dreaming I'm guided through another world
Time and time again
At sunrise I fight to stay asleep
'Cause I don't want to leave the comfort of this place
'Cause there's a hunger, a longing to escape
From the life I live when I'm awake
So let's go there
Let's make our escape
Come on, let's go there
Let's ask can we stay?
Can you take me higher?
To the place where blind men see
Can you take me higher?
To the place with golden streets
Although I would like our world to change
It helps me to appreciate
Those nights and those dreams
But, my friend, I'd sacrifice all those nights
If I could make the Earth and my dreams the same
The only difference is
To let love replace all our hate
So let's go there
Let's make our escape
Come on, let's go there
Let's ask can we stay?
Up high I feel like I'm alive for the very first time
Up high I'm strong enough to take these dreams
And make them mine

oh yeah i've been off work since yesterday. after wednesday i was so dead that aiski and anni kicked me to realize that i need to rest. oh come on, i only like almost fainted a couple of times xD okay, this was needed, the maybe 15 hours of sleep yesterday and today a good night too. i feel slightly better.
today i'm going to kotka. before leaving i need to go and visit goa, get some of my more summerish stuff and take that back to kotka. warmer clothes, i neeeeed those now. autumn began too soon.
and miss my filly terribly...

"katsotaan kuinka kauan tammoilla riittää leipäkorttia"
osui, upposi ja sai tärisemään kuin helvetti. en tahtoisi ajatella heti pahinta, en tahtoisi vielä hajota ja itkeä. lähellä, niin vitun lähellä.
lululla on siis helvetin moinen haava takajalassa, koko jalka on turvonnut ja kuuma, haavasta valuu mätää. ei laske painoa sille jalalle, hengittää tuskaisesti. pajulahti putsasi, desinfioi, antoi kipulääkettä. katsotaan mitä tulee. se vitun topi pitää saada vittuun tuolta laumasta. ammun sen kaakin jos sen saatanan potkimisen takia lululta loppuu elämä. ja ehkä vaan hakkaan sen omistajan. ehkä kevyesti pieksen. ehkä saatana.
ja vililläkin jalka oireilee. oli ollut turvoksissa selvästi tänään aamulla. sanonko että saatana.

lievästi hajottaa, vituttaa suunnattomasti ja tekisi mieli pahoinpidellä ihmisiä. ja nyt tuli olo että voisin taas tappaa veljeni. sen nuorimman. ei vittu tulla lukemaan toisten tekstejä olan yli. ei helvetti tulla. kuulan kalloon tarttis toi kakara. tai ehkä jotain kivuliaampaa joo.