i fucking died: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RmkqmTwwCtE&NR=1

this is my one and only voice, so listen close

the weather outside is deadly beautiful and i need to go work. yay. need to write down abt my saturday more when i get home again. that day was just HORRIBLE at work. yah.

pull the trigger if you gonna, we all know that you wanna

WHY oh WHY must i have super cute guy as my work mate ? and WHY oh WHY must i have this ohsofucking gorgeous guy working as a security guard at the same place ? come on, my genes are killing me here. this could also be understood as me having a droolfest at work. that was yesterday.
yesterday i felt like doing something, going somewhere so bad. hanged with n at our place for some hours, but in the end i started to feel choked, i needed to be alone for a while. it didn't really help too much, but it was something i needed. i spent few hours watching stuff from rock 'n roll hall of fame ceremony. fucking damn, jason newsted still looks like a million bucks. and speeches all the met guys held there were so nice (except rob, i didn't watch that part because well, i don't care) and touching... booh. booh. i wanna go to san fran..........
today i have been just lagging around and talking to some nerd in msn. he found me in myspace and ugh. i tell ya, he ain't hot. not by a long shot. but he's amusing to talk to.
now nora came and we're off to jump in the woods ! been dying to do that for ages. the weather ain't the beset possible, but who cares !

there's a dirty needle in your child, haha, stick me

hi just popping by to say that SUMMER COME FUCKING FASTER. i'm on a huge gig mood (shinedown, plz come back guys) and fucking can't wait to see met ! there's girugamesh gig abt a month from now, but i don't think that 'll help me with my gig fever, because well i'm a bit over j-bands. and the fans, oh the fucking disgusting fans. i'll just have to get drunk for that gig. but ! anygays. summer. drinking. warm. sun. outdoors. friends. getting drunk. gigs.

and i wanna go to the u.s. bay area, it's fucking calling me so bad. neone wanna biff me few 1000 euros.

i'm for law 'n order, the way that it should be

suddenly i feel like the bad person. ok, there's a point, but fuck.
everything i say and/or do seems eventually be taken as something else. fuck, really.
and i'm just trying to lay it low for now.
i fucking wanna ditch this country for a while. i really do.

bang on the snaredrum. nobody laughs.

i'm so in love with rorschach. seriously. killer. wtf.
and my skin is so dry it feels like it's cracking up.
i'm going to kotka on monday. go my workshift changed to morning one, so i can start my "journey" already after 3pm. which is nothing but good.
why the fuck am i even still awake.
i should be sleeping.
i have work at 11am TODAY.
and i'm drunk.
i'm gonna die.
no really.

i really should go to sleep.

let me introduce you to the characters in the show

yesterday was a movie day. aka went to see that damn twilight finally with my girl. i'm actually surprised, it didn't suck so much at all. but i still don't understand why the fuck people are so hyped about it. edward cullen seemed so retarded with all that "ohimsomysteriousandevilvampire" eyebrow crunching he did and jazz. and no, he ain't hot. there's just nothing vampire-like about that guy. the evil james was sooooo much hotter *drools* too bad the bad guys always die. in the cullen family well, carlisle was the most vampireish. he was hot too. bella was annoying. yeah. but still, i could watch that movie again. i did get some bad looks in there when i lolled at edward :D i guess i still really laugh out so loud.
the other movie we saw was milk. a true story about harvey milk, this gay guy who decided to fight for the rights of gay people, back in 70s, and was shot in the end... i really recommend that. i have always known that straight-as-an-arrow people can be terrible but it really surprised me how awful some of the people were in that story. i wonder if that bitch anita still lives, or has someone blown her brains out already. she totally would deserve that. she's fucking sick. fucking disgusting.
but watching milk made me miss pride week, and drool even more over the thought of going to san fransisco. just think about it, spending the pride week there. how fucking awesome would that be. wish i had some magical bank accounts holding tons of money. i'd buy the flight tickets immediately. i fucking wanna go.
other than the movies. i bought a new scarf from carlings. had been in need for that for ages. and helsinki still is butt ugly. and the air there is just so.. icky. felt wonderful to get back to vantaa and really breath. amazing what a few miles can do.

AND ! a new little rattie is coming home in a week or so ! or actually maybe in 2 weeks since i won't be in town when the baby will be "up for crabs" so to say. but stiiiiil *__*

and.. bloogh. i don't know. i lost my train of thought. blaa.

yeah, i get it, you're an outcast

over a week has passed since shinedown ! and i haven't written anything. damn.
negays. the gig. even thought i've read tons of people saying that it sucked, that they couldn't hear brent's singing, the crowd was dead (it was... mostly), well screw them ! i fucking loved that gig, and i'd go there ten times again ! i don't understand why people complain they didn't hear the singing. i heard brent loud and clear thorough the show, except for few moment when the crowd around me got too loud (not too loud in a bad way, no no). sure i admit the crowd was really stoic if comparing to most of the gigs i've been to but when you got closer to the stage, that's where the people where more alive. i moshed, jumped, sang, shouted and fucking was having so much fun there. i don't understand why peeps whine so much. shinedown fucking rocked ! i totally fell in love with that band and i can't wait to see them again (i read somewhere they might be coming back in the summer, for some festival, and if not, then in the autumn<3). come back soon guys...
and now i'm royally sick again. still. yeah, still is the right word. i have been sick since december, for fucks sake. this sucks major ass. and i'm deadly afraid i'll get fired because i'm sick so often... well really, if i do get fired, well then that's that. something will always come up.
oh and fucking yay. i just might be getting to see metallica this summer ! sonisphere is this new hard rock festival thingy that tours atleast europe and miiitallicaaa is headlining that thing *__*<3 and they have a show scheduled to 25th of july, in pori. tickets come on sale on monday next week. they cost a ton but i fucking have to have that. i fucking want to see metallica. like, really.
ah fuck. i really need to go to sleep. i haven't slept a single full night since wednesday last week... just a few crappy hours here and there. sucks.

don't you think this outlaw bit's done got out of hand

after some "intense" googling i find myself staring at the picture of my future carehorse to be (if everything goes alright). HELP ME SHE'S 176 FUCKING CM HIGH !! XDD she's fucking huge... i'm so used to thinking that maikki from our stable is huge and she's abt 165 cm... woah. good thing i'm not allowed to ride immediately, i'd need fucking ladders to get up there ! woah. but the horse's name is taktika, she's a pretty chesnut blazehead with perfect long legs for cross country. the pic only tells half of the truth so i will see how she really is on tuesday ^^ can't wait ! but man... she's so big....... i think i really like smaller horses better than those elephant halves they breed these days xD but we'll see how we get along (me and the owner (found her on facebook......................................... u__u) and the mare ofcourse). on tuesday. yeah. shit i'm starting to get nervous here ! fock.

but me, i like sleeping

"it feels so nice to have your girl's warm back against your hurting one" that's something i thought last night when i was really in pain and trying to fall a asleep. she was so warm and nice<3
but still i'm so tired it's not even possible with 10 hrs of sleep. i blame this cough. gotta wake up now, damnit ! i need to be out of the door something 2 pmish. must get to mims's 3pmish. and then we're off to the harborrrr. i wish i had a million to spend, so this cruise wouldn't feel so difficult in a way. i.e. i have to really watch what i buy and eat. damn, i don't even have any kruunor yet. do i need those ? i don't know. on my bank's webpages it says that i can use this card abroad too. it just costs more. so i might not need the kroonorna at all. i don't know yet, must consult mims & juube when i get there. but hey ! i'm finally crossing finland's borders, damnit ! fucking 22 years it took. heheheh.
and damn i had almost forgotten the gig on sunday: shinedown. it was something that was decided really randomly, like: "let's go see shinedown, they have this one good song and that's the only one i've heard. here, listen" "hey, that's really good. yeah, let's go see them!" so nora bought the tickets and we're going. whoops. i still haven't heard more music from them than this one album, but it's good, so the gig must be good too :D the talk abt shinedown says that they're a great live band, so i'm counting on that. too bad that the volbeat gigs are sold out (i think?), they would've been another band i'd be interested in seeing live.
fuck i should jump up offa mah fat ass and pack. clock's ticking illegally fast again today. my bag's going to be so full of meds and stuff like that....

i'm a leading man, and the lies i weave are oh so intricate

2:20 pm doctor's appointment. before that (preferably) a visit to dear finnish bureaucracy offices. i don't have a fucking glue how i'll survive the next month. somehow i will, thought, i always do.

i didn't mention it here yet, but i got a new carehorse. i haven't seen the mare yet, nor her owner, but i talked with her (the owner) on the phone (she called me on friday morning) and she sounded surprisingly nice. considering the fact that this indeed the capital city area and the riders and horse owners here are mostly creamassed fancy bitches. and she made it sound like she's already decided that i will be her new horse trustee. i don't mind. the horse in question is a 5 years old mare, training in crosscountry, and her owner told she is a real mare, aka a true woman ;D sounds just like the horses i usually best get along with. so this should be interesting. the horse is moving to a new stable, 8 km or something from here, on january 31st, and i'm going to go and meet her on feb 2nd. i can't wait ! it's super nice to finally find a horsey around here too, because i always miss my dearest filly so much, and being around horses in general. and stable this mare will be living at is not even some capital city area creamass huge fancy sticks-in-our-asses-stable. it's a small one, just 6 places or so. and it's on the better side of ring III <333 forests, fields<33 i'm gonna be in heaven. no, i'm not allowed to ride with the mare, atleast not yet. maybe in the future the owner will let me take her beauty for little forest walks or something *_* the owner also told that her friend has a horse at that stable too, so if i'd be interested in having a second care horse, that's mighty happening. well we shall see how this goes.

boy that was some fucking messy writing... feel free to ask if i was totally unclear and/or making no sense at all.
i should fucking jump to the shower already and start walking. i feel sort of stupid going to the doctor now that i'm already feeling better (i think the puventol, which is this astmamedicine, my mom gave me helped to get my breathing not so blocked and the yesterdays high fever might have worked again to burn away the disease), but i really need to get some sick leave from work, since i'm definitely not in shape to push myself physically. see, i'm trying to be smart and wise about this, for once !
tomorrow would be the cruise to stockholm. i need to sms mims about it, i don't know if it would be fair for her and juube if go along and either cough my lungs out the whole nights and they get no sleep, or even worse, i give them this disease too. now that wouldn't be too nice, would it ? and i don't even know how stupid it would be healthwise to go on a cruise now xD heck, it might go so that i'll end up getting hugely seasick and vomiting my insides out the whole trip. i really have no idea what my body will say, since i've never been on cruise before. that's one more reason i'd really like to go. if i still feel as mellow as i do now in the evening then i probably will go. it's not like i will excersize my ass off there, no sir. my first thought was that damn, i wish the sky would be clear and moon would be up and the sea would be calm so i could spend time on the deck and smoke and listen to some music and marvel the beauty of it all. some might call that lame. most people seem to go on cruises just to get shitfaced. i mean come on, you can very well do that on land. and it's cheaper that way too. but hey, whatever floats their boats. no pun there.

okay this entry just got a bit out of hand (lenghtwise). i wonder if anyone will read the whole scrapledoo. ah fuck time flies. too fast. and my head hurts. sigh.

i am an armsdealer, fitting you with weapons in the form of words

my whole body hurts, i'm coughing so hard i can't even sleep and there's nothing wrong with me =) thank you finnish healthcare. you suck. apparently it's nothing if a person can't breath properly, pulse is racing over hundred per minute... according to that i'm just imagining this. there's nothing wrong with me. yay. too bad that i know my body, and something's not right now. i need to go and visit the closest health center today. i'm just not sure if it's even open (it says on their doors that they're open 24/7 but they weren't open yesterday, so...) and calling is useless, that only works on weekdays. i seriously don't wanna go back to that same place i was last night. maybe i'll go to maria or something, maybe they'd be a little more fucking interested in the health of someone. ah fuck, this all just makes me feel so paranoid, like if i am really imagining this all :D you know, i HATE going to hospitals and seeing doctors. mainly because it always leads to me trying to fight them to understand that something is wrong. and because it ALWAYS goes like that i usually wait for ages in case the whatever would go away by itself (and usually it works) and only go to see a doctor if i'm really feeling bad. or someone else (usually mom...) beats me to going in. i'm a stubborn bastard, yeah i know, but that's just how i like things. i don't want to ask for help, i absolutely despise being dependant. i have a hate issue here it seems.
i should leave already and try to find a doctor. too bad that search will most likely take me hours and tons of miles... bleaargh.

come susie dear let's take a walk

i eat too much. no, this is not an "IMASOFATBOOHOO" entry. no, that first sentence merely refers to the amount of food i consume daily (it being huge) and taking too much money that way. what can i really do, i spend so fucking much energy that i NEED to eat a lot. i hate working when my muscles go all woobly because lack of energy. so i eat alot. and that seems to be a problem. okay, it IS a problem for me too, the money part... but i think if i raised my hand and suggested a solution, it would be shot down. yeah.

on to other things. i have known it for ages that i hardly move around at all when i sleep. but it can't be too healthy if i wake up hurting and it takes my body ages to start getting mobile again. oh le sigh.
agh i don't wanna go to work. i wanna go back to sleep. sleeeeeep. fucking sleeeeeeeeeeeeeep. that would be a killer.
fuck. i should have gotten up half an hour earlier. so i'd made it to smarket. fuck. fuck fuck fuck. why can't i do anything right. maybe that's why i like working hard and hectic. you don't have room for errors and the busy pace keeps your thoughts in place. or something like that.
fuck i gotta run now. so much for feeling almost cheery in the morning...

how about a hell yeah ?

the first entry on the mighty year 2009. yay.
i'm still a little sick, but off to work i go today. can't afford to be off anymore. shit, i hope i'll get my salary soon, because, uh, the rent ??? and i'm running out of cigs.
fuck yeah, and so on.

been here before, couldn't say i liked it

do i start writing all this down?
just let me plug you into my world
can't you help me be uncrazy?

name this for me, heat the cold air
take the chill off of my life
and if i could i'd turn my eyes
to look inside to see what's comin'

oh fucking god i want booze. and i'm so sick my eyes are about to fall off. i hate this situation so fucking much.

new year is coming. i wonder what it will bring.

i run but it stays right by my side

ah fuck this.

so tell me why you've chosen me
don't want your grip, don't want your greed
don't want it

i'll tear me open make you gone
no more can you hurt anyone
and the fear still shakes me
so hold me, until it sleeps

i'm so fucking tired. and maybe slightly drunk. yeah.

can we please turn back time on my part so it's like maybe 1986-1993 ?? puhfuckingleaze ?

can i just fucking skip back in time a little ?

these gravely digs of mine will surely prove a sight

*cencorshipstrikes* oh fuck.

in hellish glare and inference
the other one's a duplicate
the queenly flux, eternal light
or the light that never warms
yes, the light that never, never warms
yes, the light that never, never warms
never warms, never warms

i just fucking wanna ditch this life so bad sometimes. i hate going numb like this. it's fatal, in the end, you know ?

free to speak my mind anywhere

i want some fucking booze.

//edit: i fucking missed alko by some fucking 3 minutes. how fucking sad. so instead staying sober, i head to s-market and buy... BEER. seriously, i fucking hate beer. except corona, and even that i can drink like one bottle at time. but, alas, here is where hippu (WTF THEY HAVE WEBPAGES) comes in: i go there too broke to buy anything else but beer. and i ain't fucking drinking some lappari. so i buy foster's. geez, it's actually good. or maybe i'm just becoming so alcoholic i don't care anymore what i drink. i still won't drink red wine or rosé, no fucking way. *pops open teh beer can* ahhhhhhhhhhhh fuck yes. beer, you're my friend now. mmm-mmmh yes. muahahha.

someone get me a shirt like this:


christmas is coming, and haven't even noticed. so much for having fucking christmas-spirit. yeah.

remind me of what left is outlaw torn

both my wrist are fucked. whoopee fuck.

And now I wait my whole lifetime
For you
And now I wait my whole lifetime
For you

I ride the dirt I ride the tide
For you
I search the outside search inside
For you

To take back what you left me
I know I'll always burn to be
The one who seeks so I may find
And now I wait my whole lifetime

My Outlaw torn
My Outlaw torn
And I'm torn

So on I wait my whole lifetime
For you
So on I wait my whole lifetime
For you

The more I search the more my need
For you
The more I bless the more I bleed
For you

You make me smash the clock and feel
I'd rather die behind the wheel
Time was never on my side
So on I wait my whole lifetime


My Outlaw torn
My Outlaw torn
Yeah I'm Outlaw torn
And I'm torn

Hear me
And if I close my mind in fear
Please pry it open
See me
And if my face becomes sincere
Beware
Hold me
And when I start to come undone
Stitch me together
Save me
And when you see me strut
Remind me of what left this outlaw torn

Hear me
And if I close my mind in fear
Please pry it open
See me
And if my face becomes sincere
Beware
Hold me
And when I start to come undone
Stitch me together
Save me
And when you see me strut
Remind me of what left this outlaw torn

i FUCKING love this song. it's a true killer.

yeah we're of to parteeh :D

popoGÄÄpopoGÄÄ

post number hundred, this is ! yay.
my left wrist called in dead yesterday at work. it's swollen, i can't really move it and it fucking hurts like a bitch all the time. so i try to avoid doing anything with it, have it bandaged and am using this painreliever gel. too bad that it's really only gotten worse since yesterday, and i have work tomorrow. fucking hell really. absolutely couldn't afford a sick leave, no sir no.
hmmm, anni left to work, so i'm just gonna lag here all by myself (and girlies<3). maybe some wine, maybe... ah shit i need a life.