die with your boots on

i had tons of fun yesterday. i got up before 8am, ate breakfast, had my coffee (tried to wake up) and then jogged to meet with nora at myrtsi. it took us ages to find the swimming hall, but we got there in the end. it was wonderful to be in water again. i have strong muscles, but damn, they're definitely not built for swimming. need to start going swimming at least once a week. even thought it seems that the swimming did a little downfall for my lungs, i.e. my coughing is worse again... shit. but still !
today i have a short shift at work, just 4,25 hrs. tomorrow 8 hrs and saturday 9. and saturday i'm jumping in a bus to kotka. can't wait to get to see fillyjay and all the animals again <3 and i hope that this time i'll be able to meet people longer than just an hour before i leave back...
that just means there's tons to do before i leave. clean the ratties' cage etc.
sometimes i just wish so much that i could turn back time. not really, but still.

this is my one and only voice, so listen close

the weather outside is deadly beautiful and i need to go work. yay. need to write down abt my saturday more when i get home again. that day was just HORRIBLE at work. yah.

bang on the snaredrum. nobody laughs.

i'm so in love with rorschach. seriously. killer. wtf.
and my skin is so dry it feels like it's cracking up.
i'm going to kotka on monday. go my workshift changed to morning one, so i can start my "journey" already after 3pm. which is nothing but good.
why the fuck am i even still awake.
i should be sleeping.
i have work at 11am TODAY.
and i'm drunk.
i'm gonna die.
no really.

i really should go to sleep.

and by the way, i made it through the day

hmmm. been absent here for a while... what's happened ? alot ! and not. but i'm feeling the spring in my bones ! you know, like even in all the shit my mind tries to make up, i still find reasons to be glad i woke up. i guess i have found this sort zen'ish state of mind xD
i've had some terrible days at work (hectic, hard, you name it)... but also wonderful times with dear peeps and some who are becoming dears. it's done some good to me, hanging out with people more often (okay, once a week or so but still!) than once a month or something. there is this social part of me who enjoys times like these so much.
i've also gotten back on track with horses. been riding with takku a few times (again on wednesday<3) and now i got myself a new horse to ride with. i was asked by the owner of the stable to ride with her horse sometimes. and i ofcourse said yes. the first time with that mare, tella is her name, will be tomorrow (... today....) morning. we'll see how that goes.
dear peeps are getting older soon and there's a party coming ! so much planning still ahead and all, not to even mention i have no idea what i'm going to wear there. but it's still good 3 months away, so no immediate need for panic. and i have helping hands and minds, so i won't die.

tomorrow (TODAY) it's korean food with nora<3 if i don't get called to work. i could use the hours, but this time i'd rather not go... we'll see, boss hasn't contacted me yet.
i should already be sleeping. i have to get up at 7 am...... stupid me.
would've wanted to write a long entry with more deep thoughts but i'm too lazy to think deep now.

you're feeding your ego with what you can see outside

OLIPA VITTU PÄIVÄ =)))
just had to get that out. 9 hrs and fuck i'm so dead. why the fuck thursdays must be the beginning of weekend hectics ? gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. and i fucking was right to think that atleast one machine will blow up while i'm alone there ! FUCKING RIGHT. today's food saldo is two portions of cheesemacaronistuff, 2 cheeseburgers, apple... bah and it wasn't too much at all. to make this work thing even more cheery... one of my co-workers called in sick, so me and pellikka are pulling a heavy friday night tomorrow, and my saturday's shift got 3 hrs longer. lovely.
but. tomorrow i have a early rise. we're off to fleamarket hopping with nora. can't wait ^^ just hope the weather is decent. like sunshine, maybe ? and on saturday, after i've died a thousand deaths at work (not) we're off to this 80s party. my brains are overflowing already with thoughts and ideas abt what i'm gonna wear, how i'm gonna do my hair and maybe makeup. too bad that i dyed my hair already, the peroxide blonde would've been ideal. but i'll live. because it's FUCKING 80S PARTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEH ! i've been drooling over one for over 2 years now, and that's fucking too long. because 80s is love.
also. it appears i can't afford to go to kotka at all this month. it's gonna have to wait 'till next payday. this kinda sucks, because i miss filly and the kitties and sloughi. but well. i'll live :D i'll just work hard and go riding with takku. heehehee that's another thing i can hardly wait ! i'm going to hop on that horse's back on sunday *__* and after that i'm probably gonna go and have a ride with her every wednesday and friday. bhihbibhibhi forestridinggg<3 wants !

now. i should hop hop and go to lilluskel to the tub and soak myself clean. would sooth my sore muscles maybe.

cause i found a way to steal the sun from the sky

the day before yesterday was random. i had a day off, but instead of lagging around, well i headed to paplari to meet mims. the idea was just to lagg with her and maybe think about doing something to my hair. and what happened? my hair is now some really random color. it seems different in every type of light and i'm not sure yet what i think of it :D okay, i like it. i needed the change. having the same blonde hair for what, 4 months ? that's so not my cup of tea.
ah fuck time flies. i'm having my first ever day shift alone at work. 3 hrs to survive alone. booh. i'm so fucking sure that the machines decide to explode or something just as stupid. i'm fucking sure. damn i need to crab something to eat and start running. hopefully i'll live through these hours.

just the place to hopelessly encounter time and then came me

i wrote something down at work on monday because my head was so full of thoughts i didn't want to forget. i think i'll post that here later, when i have the energy to actually go and get that notebook and type type type. right now that's not an option. my head is full of goo and i'm coughing my poor lungs out. it hurts, really.
but yeah. at kotka, i am now. yesterday i was already on a little ride with filly (eve&suvela accompanying) and today again^^ i really should rest and not run around, but i'll be damned if i don't use the once a month times i have with my dear. just have to be careful to not completely kill myself. after all, i need to be back at work by 4pm friday. and fridays are hectic. i'm so gonna die. i kinda wish i'd lose my voice so i wouldn't be able to have the alarmphone xD i hate that piece of shit.
oh yeah. i'm headed to stockholm next tuesday with mimmu and juube :D i don't have basically any money to spend there, but hey who cares, it's a free cruise ! but really what is this, i've never been on a cruiseship, i've never stepped (or sailed or whatever) outside the borders of finland since i was dragged here as a little maggotbaby. and now i'm going on two cruises within two months (the second one will be at the very end of march and that's a company 10 year celebration cruise and fuck it's free too so what the fuck xD). weird.
i feel like going back to sleep. i have slept like a log that sweats a hundred gallons a night. it's not the best form of sleep but well. i need a week or so where i can just SLEEP. not gonna happen.
i'm gonna so die next month btw. while i was sitting in the bus on my way to kotka i had this flash: THAT FUCKING KELA BACKPAYMENT. over 350 euros. due february second. i'm so fucking dead unless i get kela to start paying me some money, so they could take that backpayment from those and give me nothing. either way. i'm so fucking dead. well, maybe not dead, but definitely broke. i.e. i won't be doing or buying ANYTHING on february. yippee.

well now. off to put some coffee coming and take the doggy out. damn, my head hurts.

and you want to know where the winds come from

whoops i drank a whole bottle of wine. or actually one and half. oops. i wasn't supposed to. i really didn't mean to :D but the food we made was so gooooood (minced meat crepes with cheese) and i ummm just happened to open the the second bottle while we were playing sims2.... oops. and i have to be at work by 12:30 pm. ho shit. now i'm gonna pop a pill in my mouth and head to bed. what sleeping schedule, never heard of it. i guess i'm just too damn stupid. but what the fuck really xD

they say the empty can rattles the most

today i was supposed to have only a short meeting with our unit (discuss all the jazz abt the goods and nots abt this job) but boss wanted to get home so he offered me the evening hours. and i ofcourse was more than happy to do those, because well, i don't get too much hours per month, no way. it's kinda weird now that all the christmas and new year and shit have passed. i got so used to the hectic schedules of everything that this chilled working speed feels almost lazy xD there's even time to empty trash before they overflow and clean the feeders really well. weird.
and. i thought, i seriously fucking did think that i'd have no work tomorrow. but i have. what is this reallyyyyyyy. my memory is the shit. yay. but hey, not really complaining. i get 5 days of work this week. not the full hours, but still. almost like a "normal" job.

sigh. i think i had something to write down but i really can't remember again. i blame the continuous lack of sleep and sims2. bohohoo.
BUT ! i'm going to kotka next week. mah fillyjay<3 sloughi<3 and the kitties<3 and peeps maybe ? i dunno. i'll leave monday straight from work (after nine pm something) and come back friday morning, again probably straight to work. so yeah, if someone wants to see me, give a holler. i think most peeps have my number ? i have almost zero numbers still because of that damn phone theft. so yeah. call me or something~~

dang i love wine. alcohol is my frieeeeeeeend (of misery?)

come susie dear let's take a walk

i eat too much. no, this is not an "IMASOFATBOOHOO" entry. no, that first sentence merely refers to the amount of food i consume daily (it being huge) and taking too much money that way. what can i really do, i spend so fucking much energy that i NEED to eat a lot. i hate working when my muscles go all woobly because lack of energy. so i eat alot. and that seems to be a problem. okay, it IS a problem for me too, the money part... but i think if i raised my hand and suggested a solution, it would be shot down. yeah.

on to other things. i have known it for ages that i hardly move around at all when i sleep. but it can't be too healthy if i wake up hurting and it takes my body ages to start getting mobile again. oh le sigh.
agh i don't wanna go to work. i wanna go back to sleep. sleeeeeep. fucking sleeeeeeeeeeeeeep. that would be a killer.
fuck. i should have gotten up half an hour earlier. so i'd made it to smarket. fuck. fuck fuck fuck. why can't i do anything right. maybe that's why i like working hard and hectic. you don't have room for errors and the busy pace keeps your thoughts in place. or something like that.
fuck i gotta run now. so much for feeling almost cheery in the morning...

you'll be running but can't get anywhere

my shoulders are killing me. aka they HURT like a motherfucker.
work was nice today, the first time since i started there it was like really chill. no rush whatsoever. felt weird, being so that i've worked there about 1½ months and every day has been full of insane hurry. and now... all chill. weird, but definitely not unpleasant.
i almost felt like watching some kind of monster today. good thing that almost, because that one fell behind when i returned from goa. i.e. nora has it loaned :D i hope she'll get my point abt that "movie" when she'll watch it. i think she will.
fucking hell, i should be sleeping. i really really should. really. fucking really.

popoGÄÄpopoGÄÄ

post number hundred, this is ! yay.
my left wrist called in dead yesterday at work. it's swollen, i can't really move it and it fucking hurts like a bitch all the time. so i try to avoid doing anything with it, have it bandaged and am using this painreliever gel. too bad that it's really only gotten worse since yesterday, and i have work tomorrow. fucking hell really. absolutely couldn't afford a sick leave, no sir no.
hmmm, anni left to work, so i'm just gonna lag here all by myself (and girlies<3). maybe some wine, maybe... ah shit i need a life.

this thorn in my side is from the tree i've planted

so i didn't finish that previous entry. and i didn't get shitfaced. booh fuck.
but yesterday ! i took the insurance papers to teh office and now i'll just wait 'till they call me and jeee i gets a new fucking phone. fuck yeah. and yesterday, we also went to check the nearest petstore, to see if they still had these two boy ratties. they didn't :( we were all psyched up and ready to buy them when we went there, so it was disappointing. BUT feeling that we really need the rats NOW, we took a bus to jumbo, and lo & behold, at the pet store there were these two gorgeous girls ! agouti berkie and agouti rex irish they are, our pretties. i just asked some questions about them and their background, handled them a bit and then it was basically decided :D i keep referring to them as 9/11 rats (that's when they're born, september 11th)... seriously, if they were boys i'd change their names to osama and saddam or something. would be change too good to put to waste.
agh today i feel (again) like NOT fucking going to work. i feel so tired all the time again... okay, i'll probably spark it up when i actually get there, but now, all i wanna do is fucking go back to sleep. even thought i slept without a blink the whole night still feel like a fucking truck ran over me... fucking hell.

oh dear fuck, i need coffee and cigs.

come crawling faster

ONKS PAKKO MENNÄ TÖIHIN JOS EI HALUU =)))

yeah just had get that off my "chest". no really, i dun wanna go to work. nooooooy sir no. i just wanna sit on my fat butt, watch met dvd and get shitfaced. no can do, should actually be running already. fuck, i'm supposed to visit alko before work. think i need to catch a train this time, no way i'm gonna make it if i'm walking... fucking hell. but i only have half a bottle of wine and that's not even close being enough. fucking whee.

shit, maybe i'll just finish this fucking entry when i actually have time.

only do i not know the answer, i don't even know what the question is

ah shit how troublesome can life be without a phone. i have no numbers and the only ones i remember are mims' and eeppi's. not really helpful when i'd need to contact my mom and everything. fuck this.
agh today i really don't feel like going to work at all. NOT THE SLIGHTEST BIT. do i have if dun wanna ?? booh.
tomorrow i have the g4s interview. and i have no papers to give them. it's not like i could even call rane or anything. i'd need to make so many calls... and i can't. shit this sucks so bad. i'm sooooo screwed.

is it wrong if just wanna go lay in a hole and sleep ?

BURN MOTHERFURCKER BURN !!!!!!

so imah working man now. yey. shopping center/mall is where i spend my jollygood evenings, running around the parking halls collecting shopping carts and keeping the place in order, and at the bottle returning point, shuffling with the nasty stinking slimy old booze bottles. woohoo. i got the cart part of the deal in control pretty much perfectly by now, since i started my work on a day some dude got fired. meaning that no-one had time to actually teach me anything and friday+saturday are the busiest days of the week, so spent the days running with teh trolleys and tadah, mastered that art. but the bottle returning point stuff... ugh, there's just too many machines i'd need to know by heart and today was really my first day trying out with those. easy for doras (my co-worker) to say it's really simple, he's been doing that ages already... so i stressed alot. AND to make this day perfect, my phone is gone ! one moment (when i left for a trolley-run) it was in my pocket, and a while after that it's not there. chances are it fell when i was at the parking hall and somebody stole it (FUCK THEM) OR the more evil and nasty and crying worthy thing: it fell on the lines of the machines that take bottles and cans to these CRUSHING machines and poor poor phone dies a nasty horrible death. whatever happened, the result is the same: NO PHONE. i was so fucking pissed off when i ran around tracing back my steps and nothing. had to apologize doras a few times since i disappeared in the middle of a round. god fucking hell how much i wanted to start smashing things. anger management, this is it ! handling the trashglass bottles was helping to sooth my fuming a little (you basically just throw them in this container with as much of strength you wanna...) but still. rest of the day went on with this huge need to start breaking stuff/things(/people...). fucking shit. and oh, just to make things super cheery: my mp3-player runs out of batteries six pmish. so i have no phone, no music, nothing to raise my mood. so i smoked probably a ton and fumed 'till the end of the day. time went surprisingly fast thought.

i would SO bad want to get drunk right now. and all booze this house has is one lonkero (which is almost gone already). FUCK THIS SHIT. anyone who has booze, wanna come and drink with me or invite me over ? =)

ah fuck. maybe i'll just watch some kind of monster again.

shit, how am i gonna call kataja and sonera insurance tomorrow with no phone ??????????? FUCKING HELL. LIFE SCREW YOU GO KICK SOMEONE ELSE !

twisting your mind and smashing your dreams

ho fucking shit, i need to be at work in an hour ! shit ima in a hurreeh. fock.

i want an acoustic guitar. and a bass. but acoustic just for the starters. i wanna play again. and i wanna learn to sing, like really fucking sing. ah shit.

tonight i'm going to come home smelling like old booze, and for once it's not because i just drank my brains dead, but because of actually trying to earn a few bucks. i.e. i'm starting this shit of a job at bottle returning place thingy. fuck, i really couldn't care less abt it. thank heavens i have the gs4 interview coming next week. i sure fucking hope i get that one. being a security guard would suit me so much better. yeah ?

i also can't wait for my f'n hair to grow. you know, grow, like a lot. wait wait wait tic tic tic toc !

baby, did you forget to take your meds

i'm so confused and having all these mixed up feelings right now. all this mess with things is really taking it's toll on me. i haven't slept like really slept in weeks (heck, it might be a month already) and i'm hurting so bad all the time. being tired and sore makes me kinda moody and i've fought already a dozen times not to lose my temper and explode totally. i keep getting these violent flashes when i get angry, and i don't actually like it.
on the brighter side... well i might be getting a new job. just might. i really hope for the best. i'd make some decent money with that.
and tomorrow i need to go to kotka and clean my app. or actually now it's only the sorting and arranging and packing weekend. my stuff will be moved to the stable yard house, so i'm not totally screwed when it comes getting them somewhere before friday next week. i'll be heading back to kotka next too, maybe on thursday evening or friday, because then it's time for a complete cleaning of the app. i hate cleaning. but it's a must.

wine is good, by the way.

fuck i'm so in a mess right now. sigh, i'll just go and start cooking dinner. and drink more wine. peeling potatoes will be more hazard the more i drink. muahahah vittu.

everybody run now, everybody run

this week hasn't been the greatest. i've been feeling very anxious and agitated, and fallen apart nearly. i'm still insulted/pissed/angry about this one thing that was "said" on tuesday. i really have no strength or interest to take that kind of shit. you are not the only one who feel down and has issues, damnit. and you're not the only one who has the right to fall apart sometimes. are you really that selfish that you don't REALLY care about no-one but you ? or do you just not see how you act ? don't think i'd consider even for a moment that keeping you happy would be more important than me. if you can't handle that and get all pissy if this happens, well then all i can say is too bad. i've tolerated this kind of behavior too long and now i'm done. if you think you can just act like that and then after a few days be like it's all k... it just doesn't work like that, you know. the person in question, you know very well who you are. think about it, and when you think you can talk about it like an adult without going defensive and bitchy, then try me.
i wrote a long entry abt how i felt on tuesday, but i chose not to post it. like i chose not to answer that sms. which probably was the best choice, since i was practically fuming. it's just so fucking annoying. maybe i'm just too kind and take too much crap and give people too many chances. and oh fuck, i do know that i am a shitty person most of the time too, but fuck, at least i try to admit it, and change it.

yeah. weekend started fucking well too. our superior came to our bunker when me and tomppa were on a coffee break, told us that he and the guys are leaving now, and oh btw you will only have work next week, after that, sorry. have a nice weekend and all that fucking shit. that really stopped us. rest of the day consisted of swearing, going on a strike (we just sat around and cursed and planned the explosion of the warehouse....) and more swearing. i have a fucking week to find a new job. fuck yeah. talk about giving a notice early enough. i'm so screwed.
oh le sigh.

last night me and my dear went to borgbacken light carnival ^^ it was fun. cost a ton, but it was worth it. i wasted a lot of money on candy but ehehehh that's just something you gotta do when you're at LINTSI right ?? D__D
i think i should change into running clothes and go out. for a few hours atleast. hmm, i'd like to find a new place to run at. i've pretty much been though every part of ruskeasuo and central park. and i definitely am not running on asphalt and/or cityarea. i need the nature. it just seems i'll need to go further than before. maybe take a train and run from some station to some another ? who knows ! the weather is killing good and i'm fat and i've eaten like a pig and i feel disgusting so i need to move. if only the goddamn batteries of the mp3-player would charge themselfs a bit fasteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer. can't go running without music.

i have been DYING for a real rave for about a week now. and it REALLY doesn't help that i'm listening to tiësto and stuff like that xD shit, why isn't there anything super interesting and (preferably) cheap on klubitus....

when you are with me i'm free, i'm careless, i believe

i almost hate i how much i am absent from this place these days.. weeks... months ? i'd like to update more often, mainly because it's also nice to read later in life what i've been up to in the past :D and writing helps me to keep up with my thoughts as well. but it seems i never have the time to update anymore. i just wake up, go to work, do the day, come home and umm, after lagging i go back to sleep and wake up again after a few hours. yay. so much activity, it hurts !
but yeah. last week, or actually the weekend, i visited kotka, thinking i'd get something done at my apartment (which did not happen) and getting some things straight. i also had a ride with my filly dearest and ran into a moosebull. dear filly was so scared... she lost a shoe during the panic and hurt her leg a little, poor love. but it could have gone a lot worse. she's okay now, i hear. dear dear fillyjay<33 sunday i rode with lulubell, she was a dear as well. sunday also included cutting mom's hair and dying her hair too. plus meeting with larppa & helvi, for a quick visit to my app (mainly to get my mail and something small random stuff). it was nice to hang with them, even if it was just a few moments. got an invitation to come over for coffee ^^ need to go and noonoo larppa's kitties *__*<3
oh yeah and i broke mom's heart. like i thought, she had seen it coming, but it still broke her. all in all she took it a lot better than i thought she would... getting it said made me feel hell a lot better. lighter, you know.

on the other parts of life... hmmm. work, work work. i'm on sick leave now, my wrist sorta snapped last tuesday... hurts. we've also been looking for apartments, and had a seeing on thursday. it was a nice app, on 14th floor of this highriser (come one, it's finland, 15 floors IS a fucking highriser) with an amazing view over that part of town, sea and all. the place COULD be a lot bigger, but it was nice. we have no change to get it though, there were other peeps who are a lot more likely to get chosen...

AGH I CAN'T WRITE ENGLISH ANYMOREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

yap. it's not raining at poltsi today. i want out ! gyah. atm i'm nöreing on anni's comp, anni' nöreing on her folks comp and katri is nöreing (ok, doing her schoolwork) on her comp. such a nöreing type of folk. sigh.