time your riddles right and make a point that has no sense

once again, like so many times in the past, i had something i really wanted to write down here, but it escapes my mind now. i should probably be sleeping already. but i don't quite feel like doing so.

ps. why must all the people i know be somehow connected to eachother. fucking inbred society.

fucking burger king

aah. i survived the cruise, alive and well ! didn't get seasick, didn't get drunk, my cabinmates didn't get TOO drunk... and sweden was nice. i mean like the old town. gallerian and the other stuff weren't so inspiring for me (there were shops i would have liked to buy few things from but...). the walkstreet thingy had it's pretty parts (some random little shops in pretty buildings) but all in all i enjoyed the old town much more. which is not at all surprising. i love even the old parts of porvoo, so it's obvious that i will love every old town parts i go to. the conclusion being this: cruises aren't really my cup of tea. i really liked being on that ship, hanging on the deck and wathing the dark ocean<3 but the time spent on foreign land is too short. i.e. cruises aren't for me :D at least not in the way most people seem to like them (get shitfaced, be hangover while going to the other land... etc). i'd like to go and spend atleast a few whole days on ground of for example sweden. the cruiseship is a nice way to get across the sea here, that i don't mind. six hours just isn't enough for me. all in all i liked the cruise (i think i should write down more about it, but i'm too tired now) and this helped me realize that no, i will not go on the cruise our company is arranging. it would be free and headed to tallinna, but i really don't want to go and spend 24 hrs with drunk people. it would be alright if i would have a private cabin or something so i would get to actually sleep, instead of trying to, while drunken workmates keep me awake. i will go on a cruise again, but it will be different then :D

baah maybe i'll write more when i've slept some. yeah.

anyone who ever stood in the light needs no explaining

i only write useless bits and pieces of thoughts these days. if i even write anything. sigh.
but yeah, saw aimo-mauri today, it's really been WAYYYY too long since the last time. we just hanged at skådespelare vääägen, with saana along, and yeah :D it was nice. tomorrow i shall go to work and die (hopefully not), and after i've died i shall catch a train and head to goa. drinking and lagging with nora, that's the plan for the evening/night. yeah.

so as i said, useless bits and pieces ! that's almost like my life xD

just as soon as i belong, then it's time i disappear

i'm dying for a really dark mood photoshoot. too bad that i'm not looking or feeling too photogenic right now. but still, a "professional" photoshoot would be cool. like makeup and all, lighting and so on. yeah.
what the fuck am i doing awake anyway, i have a job interview in what, 12 hours ? i should go to sleep, and definitely not be sitting here sipping wine (hardy's, it's really not THAT good, gato negro was way better...) and listening to metallica. definitely not xD but since when have i had brains ?
tomorrow, i think, i shall go to some gym and work my ass off. and swimming wouldn't do any harm either. my whole body is sore and stiff, and all this is not because i'd train too much, no no. it's because i have stopped any physical work i was having a routine with... must get back in shape. sometimes i disgust myself so much it hurts. most of the time i just push those thoughts back in my head and focus on something else. too bad that i have way too much time on my hands right now, since i'm still unemployed and well, do basically nothing during my awake hours. this all is really eating away the strength i had managed to gather up. too much, way too much time on my hands, way too much time to think. it's shit, you know ?

MAN do i wish i was born some decade and a half earlier than i was. oh the gorgeous 80s. too bad i'm too young to have lived those years the way i would've liked to.

i need boots.

i liked the way we slept on rooftops in the summertime

being back here has brought up so many thoughts and doubts. and fears. i hate this. i wish my head was as clear as the sky on nice freezing winter morning =)) but i'll get past this. we will. i trust in that.
gah how is it possible to be this tired even thought i slept something like 9-10 hours ??? and i still need to go to stables and ride lulubell and nuunuu my fillyjay<33 god how much it hurts to even think i'm giving her up completely. no, i won't do that. i will come and visit during weekends, and when i've worked long enough and saved some money, i will buy her and bring her closer to me<333 who cares if she's already on the older side of horse's age ? who cares if she's not the greatest and most expensive competition horse ever ?? i don't, i love her so much it hurts. she's the most important thing ever. she will be mine, sooner or later <3333
but yes. it was strange to try and fall asleep alone o__o i was dead tired but still i couldn't catch the dreamland. booh. but, only one night alone ^^ then... !
yeah. now off to pack some stuff, change clothes and gagaga all that :D

like gunshots heard against a silent night

Some how I feel like screaming my lungs out, so hard that my head would explode. I feel like something is pressing my chest in and I can hardly breathe and my head spins. Why am I always so damn afraid of getting cheated ?? Well, it's happened before, so I seem to find it impossible to trust that it won't happen again. And there's really no-one I can talk with about this, because well, "news" travel fast and blaaah fuck.
Plus it annoys me that it seems I HAVE TO BE the one to bring myself completely down and into huge financial problems if I want to see people who are dear to me. It feels like no-one else really wants to spend that much money on seeing me. Funny. Not really. Hurting, yes. Just my mind ? Maybe.

So I'm off the cemetery duty. For at least 2 weeks now. My hand is failing me again. And my back. Fucking hell. So much for getting some order in my life.

Damnit I'm tempted not to post this at all or just post a super edited version, because I know that well... sigh.

Gonna take a shower and watch The Ultimate Fighter. My only joys lol.

i can't keep telling myself what i want to hear
i can't just close my eyes

i know that
its killing me
and its poisoning the best in me
what i see i don't want to believe
so let me tell you more
about the lies i lead