when you are with me i'm free, i'm careless, i believe

i almost hate i how much i am absent from this place these days.. weeks... months ? i'd like to update more often, mainly because it's also nice to read later in life what i've been up to in the past :D and writing helps me to keep up with my thoughts as well. but it seems i never have the time to update anymore. i just wake up, go to work, do the day, come home and umm, after lagging i go back to sleep and wake up again after a few hours. yay. so much activity, it hurts !
but yeah. last week, or actually the weekend, i visited kotka, thinking i'd get something done at my apartment (which did not happen) and getting some things straight. i also had a ride with my filly dearest and ran into a moosebull. dear filly was so scared... she lost a shoe during the panic and hurt her leg a little, poor love. but it could have gone a lot worse. she's okay now, i hear. dear dear fillyjay<33 sunday i rode with lulubell, she was a dear as well. sunday also included cutting mom's hair and dying her hair too. plus meeting with larppa & helvi, for a quick visit to my app (mainly to get my mail and something small random stuff). it was nice to hang with them, even if it was just a few moments. got an invitation to come over for coffee ^^ need to go and noonoo larppa's kitties *__*<3
oh yeah and i broke mom's heart. like i thought, she had seen it coming, but it still broke her. all in all she took it a lot better than i thought she would... getting it said made me feel hell a lot better. lighter, you know.

on the other parts of life... hmmm. work, work work. i'm on sick leave now, my wrist sorta snapped last tuesday... hurts. we've also been looking for apartments, and had a seeing on thursday. it was a nice app, on 14th floor of this highriser (come one, it's finland, 15 floors IS a fucking highriser) with an amazing view over that part of town, sea and all. the place COULD be a lot bigger, but it was nice. we have no change to get it though, there were other peeps who are a lot more likely to get chosen...

AGH I CAN'T WRITE ENGLISH ANYMOREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

yap. it's not raining at poltsi today. i want out ! gyah. atm i'm nöreing on anni's comp, anni' nöreing on her folks comp and katri is nöreing (ok, doing her schoolwork) on her comp. such a nöreing type of folk. sigh.

i know that it's killing me, and it's poisoning the best of me

how much luck can one person have. my over a week lasting headache exploded on saturday, leaving me needing a visit to hospital... i got medicines which cost a fortune. and sickleave. the doctor thought that it's not a good idea if go to work on monday. and NOW i agree with her, hence the fact that i woke up few hours ago to a feeling of PAIN. my head hurt, my eyes hurt, my airways were feeling blocked and i had sweat the sheets and my t-shirt all wet. nice. so i popped the antibiotics in my mouth and some pain killers and headed to soak myself in boiling hot shower for half an hour. it helped to get some of the slime residing in my lungs and ontelotvity to come out... ah shit i still need to pack up all the stuff i will need since i'm not coming back to kotka that soon. and i need to and visit some offices and my apartment to get bills and stuff out. fucking hell.
oh yeah, as if it isn't all too cheery already: i think i broke my toe yesterday 8) the little toe of my right foot, it's been broken a number of times before so it's nothing new. but it hurts xD i rule the art of FAIL.

an understanding, it's impossible

i finally got to finish reading this fic ---> Silent Hill (scroll down a few entries, it's there) and damn i loved it. the author had finished it too, since i last checked the page. i liked her writing a lot... makes me want to drown in to a world that's not even there. it would be so much easier just to try and keep going, killing everything that comes in your way, constantly fighting to stay alive and make it to the next day.

i decided to try with the pills again. can't take the pressure on/in my chest anymore. it's almost like i feel too much and my body just can't cope with it. i feel like i need to move and do things, or else i'll choke or just simply crumble down in pieces.

off for now, to smoke and well, maybe do some push ups and stuff.

life is hell.
i would like to write down my feelings about the days i spent in helsinki, since a lot happened, but i'm too tired. it's fucking draining, you know ? to constantly be on the breaking point.
ah fuck this, i've got my long drink, tortilla chips, candy and the ultimate fighter. i'm a happy fucker for few hours.