this is my one and only voice, so listen close

the weather outside is deadly beautiful and i need to go work. yay. need to write down abt my saturday more when i get home again. that day was just HORRIBLE at work. yah.

i'm for law 'n order, the way that it should be

suddenly i feel like the bad person. ok, there's a point, but fuck.
everything i say and/or do seems eventually be taken as something else. fuck, really.
and i'm just trying to lay it low for now.
i fucking wanna ditch this country for a while. i really do.

and by the way, i made it through the day

hmmm. been absent here for a while... what's happened ? alot ! and not. but i'm feeling the spring in my bones ! you know, like even in all the shit my mind tries to make up, i still find reasons to be glad i woke up. i guess i have found this sort zen'ish state of mind xD
i've had some terrible days at work (hectic, hard, you name it)... but also wonderful times with dear peeps and some who are becoming dears. it's done some good to me, hanging out with people more often (okay, once a week or so but still!) than once a month or something. there is this social part of me who enjoys times like these so much.
i've also gotten back on track with horses. been riding with takku a few times (again on wednesday<3) and now i got myself a new horse to ride with. i was asked by the owner of the stable to ride with her horse sometimes. and i ofcourse said yes. the first time with that mare, tella is her name, will be tomorrow (... today....) morning. we'll see how that goes.
dear peeps are getting older soon and there's a party coming ! so much planning still ahead and all, not to even mention i have no idea what i'm going to wear there. but it's still good 3 months away, so no immediate need for panic. and i have helping hands and minds, so i won't die.

tomorrow (TODAY) it's korean food with nora<3 if i don't get called to work. i could use the hours, but this time i'd rather not go... we'll see, boss hasn't contacted me yet.
i should already be sleeping. i have to get up at 7 am...... stupid me.
would've wanted to write a long entry with more deep thoughts but i'm too lazy to think deep now.

come susie dear let's take a walk

i eat too much. no, this is not an "IMASOFATBOOHOO" entry. no, that first sentence merely refers to the amount of food i consume daily (it being huge) and taking too much money that way. what can i really do, i spend so fucking much energy that i NEED to eat a lot. i hate working when my muscles go all woobly because lack of energy. so i eat alot. and that seems to be a problem. okay, it IS a problem for me too, the money part... but i think if i raised my hand and suggested a solution, it would be shot down. yeah.

on to other things. i have known it for ages that i hardly move around at all when i sleep. but it can't be too healthy if i wake up hurting and it takes my body ages to start getting mobile again. oh le sigh.
agh i don't wanna go to work. i wanna go back to sleep. sleeeeeep. fucking sleeeeeeeeeeeeeep. that would be a killer.
fuck. i should have gotten up half an hour earlier. so i'd made it to smarket. fuck. fuck fuck fuck. why can't i do anything right. maybe that's why i like working hard and hectic. you don't have room for errors and the busy pace keeps your thoughts in place. or something like that.
fuck i gotta run now. so much for feeling almost cheery in the morning...

these gravely digs of mine will surely prove a sight

*cencorshipstrikes* oh fuck.

in hellish glare and inference
the other one's a duplicate
the queenly flux, eternal light
or the light that never warms
yes, the light that never, never warms
yes, the light that never, never warms
never warms, never warms

i just fucking wanna ditch this life so bad sometimes. i hate going numb like this. it's fatal, in the end, you know ?

'scuse me while i tend to how i feel

this week i finally got to watch the some kind of monster-dvd that bought a few months back. i really recommend it. not to all of you who might be reading this, because well, some people just can't get so much out of it. yeah. but. this made me want to listen to metallica again. i guess, in a way, metallica has always been a band that i've liked. from like the age of maybe 12. at times it fades on the background, but now that i think of it, i've always liked listened some of their songs, and now... well, my inner metallica-fan has again been awoken. there's something about this band that really attracts me. i'm not making much sense am i ? no biggy, those who understand, i give you a thumbs up .D i really had an idea how to put this in words but it sort of has slipped my mind. oh well.

yesterday i went to see that dark knight batman movie with my girl. i was positively surprised, i actually liked that movie. i didn't expect to, it's been praised too much imo. but i liked it. joker = <3
today, well my girl wants to party. i don't know how i feel. not really in a party mood i guess ? maybe i don't feel like going out in a group and pretending that i'm having fun ? because i feel like that's what it would be. or then i would get shitfaced and have fun until i feel too sick. don't get me wrong, i am most likely going to get drunk today, but shitfaced was not a part of my plans. what plans ?? i don't have any.
and what is this strange choking i feel nowadays ? i feel.. trapped, restrained, held back. i don't know.
i don't know ! that's the most used phrase for me these times. i don't fucking know. my head is just so fucked up right now. everything seems to be fucked up. fuck. FUCK.

okay forget all of that. yeah. maybe i should just head to the gym and pump some iron. beat the hell outta myself. that would actually do good. hmmmm.


Mama, they try and break me.
The window burns to light the way back home
A light that warms no matter where they've gone.
They're off to find the hero of the day
But what if they should fall by someone's wicked way?
Still the window burns, time so slowly turns
Someone there is sighing
Keepers of the flames
Do you feel your names?
Do you hear your babies crying?
Mama they try and break me
Still they try and break me
'Scuse me while I tend to how I feel
These things return to me that still seem real
Now deservingly this easy chair
But the rocking stops by wheels of despair
Don't want your aid
But the fist I've made for years won't hold or feel
No I'm not all me
So please excuse me while I tend to how I fell
But now the dreams and waking screams that ever last through the night (echoed between James and Jason)

So build the wall behind it crawl and hide until it's light
Can you hear your babies crying now?
Still the window burns
Time so slowly turns
And someone there is sighing
Keepers of the flames, can't you feel your names?
Can't you hear your babies crying?
But now the dreams and waking screams that
ever last the night
So build a wall behind it crawl
And hide until it's light
So can't you hear your babies crying now?
Mama they try and break me
Mama they try and break me
Mama they try and break me
Mama they try mama they try
Mama they try and break me
Mama they try and break me
Mama they try and break me
Mama they try and break me
Mama they try and break me
Mama they try and break me
Mama they try Mama they try

they say come with your arms raised high

In the middle of a gun fight...
In the center of a restaurant...
They say, "Come with your arms raised high!"
Well, they're never gonna get me,
Like a bullet through a flock of doves...
To wage this war against your faith in me,
Your life...will never be the same.
On your mother's eyes, say a prayer...say a prayer!

Now, but I can't
And I don't know
How we're just two men as God had made us,
Well, I can't...well, I can!
Too much, too late, or just not enough of this
Pain in my heart for your dying wish,
I'll kiss your lips again.

They all cheat at cards and the checkers are lost,
My cellmate's a killer, they make me do push-ups (in drag)
But nobody cares if you're losing yourself...am I losing myself?!
Well, I miss my mom,
Will they give me the chair,
Or lethal injection, or swing from a rope if you dare;
Ah, nobody knows...all the trouble I've seen!

To your room...
What they ask of you
Will make you want to say, "So long..."
Well, I don't remember,
Why remember...YOU?!

Do you have the keys to the hotel?!
'Cause I'm gonna string this motherfucker on fire! (FIRE!!)

Life is but a dream for the dead,
And well I, I won't go down by myself,
But I'll go down with my friends.
Now now now now... (I can't explain)
Now now now... (I can't complain)
Now now, yeah!


need to jet outta the door soon. off to visit our neighbor fida and the to teh UFFs.

my mind is playing tricks with me. one moment i'm happier than ever, and the next i feel like curling up in some corner and shaking in guilt and fear. fuck this. shut up head, please 'kay ???

hooooooooooooooooooold your horses tonight~~

ON SE KUMMA that finnish authorities (i.e. police, prosecutor...) choose to believe convicted criminals with violent backgrounds, rather than totally clean person. ON SE KUMMA. that when the fuckers have CLEARLY agreed together what they'll say in the hearing, the police takes that as the truth. just because their stories are identical. ON SE KUMMA. no i have officially lost the last drop of trust and faith on finnish police forces and any legal authorities. from this day on, shall something come along that would need legal stuff.. well, let's just say i will rather take care of it all my own way.

ogh. i'm so tired and stressed. my mother said some things yesterday, that were not surprising at all, but still they managed to hurt me. oh sigh. this apartment is a huge pile of catastrophy. i hate this. i get so agitated when i have to start using my brains like this. if the worst happens i'll have panic attack. gah.

shit the klock is too much. must go running to rauni's place soon. she'll take me to stables to say hello to my jay and meet with lauri about the stablehouse and the situating of my stuff. fuck i hate this. why can't this all happen with a snap of fingers ??? i fucking just want to relax...

sigh.

baby, did you forget to take your meds

i'm so confused and having all these mixed up feelings right now. all this mess with things is really taking it's toll on me. i haven't slept like really slept in weeks (heck, it might be a month already) and i'm hurting so bad all the time. being tired and sore makes me kinda moody and i've fought already a dozen times not to lose my temper and explode totally. i keep getting these violent flashes when i get angry, and i don't actually like it.
on the brighter side... well i might be getting a new job. just might. i really hope for the best. i'd make some decent money with that.
and tomorrow i need to go to kotka and clean my app. or actually now it's only the sorting and arranging and packing weekend. my stuff will be moved to the stable yard house, so i'm not totally screwed when it comes getting them somewhere before friday next week. i'll be heading back to kotka next too, maybe on thursday evening or friday, because then it's time for a complete cleaning of the app. i hate cleaning. but it's a must.

wine is good, by the way.

fuck i'm so in a mess right now. sigh, i'll just go and start cooking dinner. and drink more wine. peeling potatoes will be more hazard the more i drink. muahahah vittu.

everybody run now, everybody run

this week hasn't been the greatest. i've been feeling very anxious and agitated, and fallen apart nearly. i'm still insulted/pissed/angry about this one thing that was "said" on tuesday. i really have no strength or interest to take that kind of shit. you are not the only one who feel down and has issues, damnit. and you're not the only one who has the right to fall apart sometimes. are you really that selfish that you don't REALLY care about no-one but you ? or do you just not see how you act ? don't think i'd consider even for a moment that keeping you happy would be more important than me. if you can't handle that and get all pissy if this happens, well then all i can say is too bad. i've tolerated this kind of behavior too long and now i'm done. if you think you can just act like that and then after a few days be like it's all k... it just doesn't work like that, you know. the person in question, you know very well who you are. think about it, and when you think you can talk about it like an adult without going defensive and bitchy, then try me.
i wrote a long entry abt how i felt on tuesday, but i chose not to post it. like i chose not to answer that sms. which probably was the best choice, since i was practically fuming. it's just so fucking annoying. maybe i'm just too kind and take too much crap and give people too many chances. and oh fuck, i do know that i am a shitty person most of the time too, but fuck, at least i try to admit it, and change it.

yeah. weekend started fucking well too. our superior came to our bunker when me and tomppa were on a coffee break, told us that he and the guys are leaving now, and oh btw you will only have work next week, after that, sorry. have a nice weekend and all that fucking shit. that really stopped us. rest of the day consisted of swearing, going on a strike (we just sat around and cursed and planned the explosion of the warehouse....) and more swearing. i have a fucking week to find a new job. fuck yeah. talk about giving a notice early enough. i'm so screwed.
oh le sigh.

last night me and my dear went to borgbacken light carnival ^^ it was fun. cost a ton, but it was worth it. i wasted a lot of money on candy but ehehehh that's just something you gotta do when you're at LINTSI right ?? D__D
i think i should change into running clothes and go out. for a few hours atleast. hmm, i'd like to find a new place to run at. i've pretty much been though every part of ruskeasuo and central park. and i definitely am not running on asphalt and/or cityarea. i need the nature. it just seems i'll need to go further than before. maybe take a train and run from some station to some another ? who knows ! the weather is killing good and i'm fat and i've eaten like a pig and i feel disgusting so i need to move. if only the goddamn batteries of the mp3-player would charge themselfs a bit fasteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer. can't go running without music.

i have been DYING for a real rave for about a week now. and it REALLY doesn't help that i'm listening to tiësto and stuff like that xD shit, why isn't there anything super interesting and (preferably) cheap on klubitus....

when i get a little scared

back @ herushinki. mah girl is at work and oh well. i'm lagging... i should take a shower but i'm too lazy. i should unpack all our stuff put i'm too lazy. gosh i'm so lazy. since i woke up i've been eating. lots. besides that all i've done is put this comp on working stage again and ummm smoked one cig ? fail.
must put on some clothes and head to city center. visit ma dear at her work place (buy one gummy bear at time and buy a zillion, always take her cashregisterline XD) and jump by some fleamarkets. need new jeans and some shoes.
fuck i look like shit.
the traintrip back here yesterday was... draining. but it cleaned up the air and my head. i was really tempted to shout at this one rocker dude who sat across the isle next to us and kept staring all the time. like "HAVEN'T YOU SEEN A PERSON WEEPING HER/THEIR EYES OFF BEFORE ???? FUCK OFF" dude, really. if i cry, i'll cry and i don't care who sees it. christ i've changed when it comes to that... but that gyu, he was just annoying.
CLOTHES. NOW. ON. BITCH. U SUCK.

my wrist hurts like no tomorrow...

oh yeah ! it's my birthday today :D and satoshi's too XD woohoo. we're getting olderrr~~

when you are with me i'm free, i'm careless, i believe

i almost hate i how much i am absent from this place these days.. weeks... months ? i'd like to update more often, mainly because it's also nice to read later in life what i've been up to in the past :D and writing helps me to keep up with my thoughts as well. but it seems i never have the time to update anymore. i just wake up, go to work, do the day, come home and umm, after lagging i go back to sleep and wake up again after a few hours. yay. so much activity, it hurts !
but yeah. last week, or actually the weekend, i visited kotka, thinking i'd get something done at my apartment (which did not happen) and getting some things straight. i also had a ride with my filly dearest and ran into a moosebull. dear filly was so scared... she lost a shoe during the panic and hurt her leg a little, poor love. but it could have gone a lot worse. she's okay now, i hear. dear dear fillyjay<33 sunday i rode with lulubell, she was a dear as well. sunday also included cutting mom's hair and dying her hair too. plus meeting with larppa & helvi, for a quick visit to my app (mainly to get my mail and something small random stuff). it was nice to hang with them, even if it was just a few moments. got an invitation to come over for coffee ^^ need to go and noonoo larppa's kitties *__*<3
oh yeah and i broke mom's heart. like i thought, she had seen it coming, but it still broke her. all in all she took it a lot better than i thought she would... getting it said made me feel hell a lot better. lighter, you know.

on the other parts of life... hmmm. work, work work. i'm on sick leave now, my wrist sorta snapped last tuesday... hurts. we've also been looking for apartments, and had a seeing on thursday. it was a nice app, on 14th floor of this highriser (come one, it's finland, 15 floors IS a fucking highriser) with an amazing view over that part of town, sea and all. the place COULD be a lot bigger, but it was nice. we have no change to get it though, there were other peeps who are a lot more likely to get chosen...

AGH I CAN'T WRITE ENGLISH ANYMOREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

yap. it's not raining at poltsi today. i want out ! gyah. atm i'm nöreing on anni's comp, anni' nöreing on her folks comp and katri is nöreing (ok, doing her schoolwork) on her comp. such a nöreing type of folk. sigh.

i liked the way we slept on rooftops in the summertime

being back here has brought up so many thoughts and doubts. and fears. i hate this. i wish my head was as clear as the sky on nice freezing winter morning =)) but i'll get past this. we will. i trust in that.
gah how is it possible to be this tired even thought i slept something like 9-10 hours ??? and i still need to go to stables and ride lulubell and nuunuu my fillyjay<33 god how much it hurts to even think i'm giving her up completely. no, i won't do that. i will come and visit during weekends, and when i've worked long enough and saved some money, i will buy her and bring her closer to me<333 who cares if she's already on the older side of horse's age ? who cares if she's not the greatest and most expensive competition horse ever ?? i don't, i love her so much it hurts. she's the most important thing ever. she will be mine, sooner or later <3333
but yes. it was strange to try and fall asleep alone o__o i was dead tired but still i couldn't catch the dreamland. booh. but, only one night alone ^^ then... !
yeah. now off to pack some stuff, change clothes and gagaga all that :D

so let's go there, let's make our escape

i never thought i'd find myself in a situation like this so early in life. yet, here i am, head over heels and can't imagine a life without her. there's a big part of me that want's to run away, run and never look back, before i get hurt again. but this time, THIS FUCKING TIME i won't run. this time i'm going to fight, and hopefully win against my head. i'm fucking scared and doubtful but fuck, all good things require hell of an amount of work, don't they. and i'm willing to work for this.

When dreaming I'm guided through another world
Time and time again
At sunrise I fight to stay asleep
'Cause I don't want to leave the comfort of this place
'Cause there's a hunger, a longing to escape
From the life I live when I'm awake
So let's go there
Let's make our escape
Come on, let's go there
Let's ask can we stay?
Can you take me higher?
To the place where blind men see
Can you take me higher?
To the place with golden streets
Although I would like our world to change
It helps me to appreciate
Those nights and those dreams
But, my friend, I'd sacrifice all those nights
If I could make the Earth and my dreams the same
The only difference is
To let love replace all our hate
So let's go there
Let's make our escape
Come on, let's go there
Let's ask can we stay?
Up high I feel like I'm alive for the very first time
Up high I'm strong enough to take these dreams
And make them mine

oh yeah i've been off work since yesterday. after wednesday i was so dead that aiski and anni kicked me to realize that i need to rest. oh come on, i only like almost fainted a couple of times xD okay, this was needed, the maybe 15 hours of sleep yesterday and today a good night too. i feel slightly better.
today i'm going to kotka. before leaving i need to go and visit goa, get some of my more summerish stuff and take that back to kotka. warmer clothes, i neeeeed those now. autumn began too soon.
and miss my filly terribly...

we are lost, we can never go home

yesterday i was mentally kicking myself within 15 minutes from arriving to goa. for a while it was ok, but then, well... i fucking don't feel like i have a place there and frankly, i don't think i even want that. i'm sick of all the commune life, it just doesn't do any good to me. it's all fun and love for few days or a week or something, but not more. fuck i need an apartment. soon. fucking hell.
PLUS: today at work was very chill, no hurry at all, but i still felt like shit. my head has been spinning the whole day, my vision keeps blurring, my nose is stuffed and my throat hurts. gaah. i think i'm really sick now. whoops. too bad that i can't afford to take days off =)) fuck yeah. a new guy started today too, this some fruittari/amis kinda dude called tomppa. he's ok. boho i don't want eemeli to quit too soon ;____; he's such a darling x_x
but yeah. now i'm lagging at my girl's place and feeling like shit. and cursing that my goddamn salary hasn't come. and it probably won't before the end of the month =)))) fucking whee. must talk to mister mattila tomorrow about this, because i had a spoken agreement about my salary and it was supposed to be paid every two weeks. my bad that i was so goddamn tired and pöhnänen when i signed the damn workdeal that i didn't realize what it said about the payments. and now i'm just fucking pissed off. i'm basically broke =)) yay.
i think i need to lay down now. maybe watch telly or something and try to rest.

what's this life for

there are things i should work out today but i really don't feel like it. mostly because i want it to be just us... ah fuck, klock ticks too fast.
but hot damn, i got my work "uniform" today, finally >8DD evening service, thankfuckingyou. maybe if i'll get that contract too soon.
and ogh nora made soooo good food today. foooooooood is good. cheese and all.... mmm.
agh i'm so tired. should roll over and go to sleep. i'm not sure where i'll sleep... yeah.

in a way i just want scream FUCK YOU at the whole world. and then there's this part that wants to lay down and sleep away the days.

if i'd say i'm feeling perfety fine, i'd be lying. hard. a lot. oh well, it seems things aren't changing, even if i'd again bring it up. it usually doesn't seem to make any difference. am i realy that unclear ? :D
tomorrow is going to be a busy day work. but that's ok. i like the excercise i get from it.
one thing that also annoys me endlessly: skinny, gorgeous people complaining about their weight and how disgusting they are. hello, i'm fighting to not fall back to eating disorders again ! have you ever stopped to listen to me and thought how things like that make me feel? i'm battling already.

gotta jet towards sleeping status. the klock is ticking millions.

an understanding, it's impossible

i finally got to finish reading this fic ---> Silent Hill (scroll down a few entries, it's there) and damn i loved it. the author had finished it too, since i last checked the page. i liked her writing a lot... makes me want to drown in to a world that's not even there. it would be so much easier just to try and keep going, killing everything that comes in your way, constantly fighting to stay alive and make it to the next day.

i decided to try with the pills again. can't take the pressure on/in my chest anymore. it's almost like i feel too much and my body just can't cope with it. i feel like i need to move and do things, or else i'll choke or just simply crumble down in pieces.

off for now, to smoke and well, maybe do some push ups and stuff.

i see you, type of girl with the pearls and all, jewels and all

three and more nights in a row i lay awake 'till late morning hours. i usually am up to see the sun rise. some part of me awaits, just a little something to tell me... well yeah. i get nothing thought. except a mention in a writing, a fucking question. you know, you could have sent me an sms. or something more personal. ah fuck this.

yesterday my filly was as nice as ever<3 stupid micro had kicked her, there was a little wound and some warmth on her leg. so hose, our best friend, comes along and gives us cold water. today it's the shoeing day, dears get new boots on. also means a day off. i think i'll still go to evening. that bitch is going to be there too. i hope she'd keel over and... mwaahahahah.

damn i think i need to get extensions. to my (non-existant) sideburns at least and maybe something else. just wouldn't really like to use the old ones since it means me playing with that awful glue again xDD last time my fingers died. really.

i also need to dye my hair again soon... oh le sigh.

the breaking of the fellowship is coming closer each day

ropecon was lol. i lol'd a lot. and dissaus is life.

i sort of feel... useless. like i'm not needed. not worthy. jealous, too, in a way. is it really so that it's more fun/important/whatever to keep in touch with other people and not me. i'm fighting not to let this feeling take over.

today i shall go back to kotka.