baby, did you forget to take your meds

i'm so confused and having all these mixed up feelings right now. all this mess with things is really taking it's toll on me. i haven't slept like really slept in weeks (heck, it might be a month already) and i'm hurting so bad all the time. being tired and sore makes me kinda moody and i've fought already a dozen times not to lose my temper and explode totally. i keep getting these violent flashes when i get angry, and i don't actually like it.
on the brighter side... well i might be getting a new job. just might. i really hope for the best. i'd make some decent money with that.
and tomorrow i need to go to kotka and clean my app. or actually now it's only the sorting and arranging and packing weekend. my stuff will be moved to the stable yard house, so i'm not totally screwed when it comes getting them somewhere before friday next week. i'll be heading back to kotka next too, maybe on thursday evening or friday, because then it's time for a complete cleaning of the app. i hate cleaning. but it's a must.

wine is good, by the way.

fuck i'm so in a mess right now. sigh, i'll just go and start cooking dinner. and drink more wine. peeling potatoes will be more hazard the more i drink. muahahah vittu.

when the seas and mountains fall

just finished watching fellowship of the ring extented version. gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah lotrpdgdfjgohidf<333
yesterday horseflies (paarmat fuck) tried to eat me and filly alive. evil evil nasty thingies >8( !! i have bitemarks all over my arms and my legs... riding is no fun for me or my ponny these days, stupid paarmas *hissssssssssss*
oh yeah. i bought this kulta lonkero yesterday, eves recommended it to me :D it tastes just like TEHO ! jollygood. but i still like normal lonkero better. hmm hmm hmm.

i still keep having these feelings of suffocation, anger... feeling useless and empty and ugly. i hope they will pass soon. i really hope.

i think i need to fix up something to eat. can't cycle if no energy.

"katsotaan kuinka kauan tammoilla riittää leipäkorttia"
osui, upposi ja sai tärisemään kuin helvetti. en tahtoisi ajatella heti pahinta, en tahtoisi vielä hajota ja itkeä. lähellä, niin vitun lähellä.
lululla on siis helvetin moinen haava takajalassa, koko jalka on turvonnut ja kuuma, haavasta valuu mätää. ei laske painoa sille jalalle, hengittää tuskaisesti. pajulahti putsasi, desinfioi, antoi kipulääkettä. katsotaan mitä tulee. se vitun topi pitää saada vittuun tuolta laumasta. ammun sen kaakin jos sen saatanan potkimisen takia lululta loppuu elämä. ja ehkä vaan hakkaan sen omistajan. ehkä kevyesti pieksen. ehkä saatana.
ja vililläkin jalka oireilee. oli ollut turvoksissa selvästi tänään aamulla. sanonko että saatana.

lievästi hajottaa, vituttaa suunnattomasti ja tekisi mieli pahoinpidellä ihmisiä. ja nyt tuli olo että voisin taas tappaa veljeni. sen nuorimman. ei vittu tulla lukemaan toisten tekstejä olan yli. ei helvetti tulla. kuulan kalloon tarttis toi kakara. tai ehkä jotain kivuliaampaa joo.