don't you think this outlaw bit's done got out of hand

after some "intense" googling i find myself staring at the picture of my future carehorse to be (if everything goes alright). HELP ME SHE'S 176 FUCKING CM HIGH !! XDD she's fucking huge... i'm so used to thinking that maikki from our stable is huge and she's abt 165 cm... woah. good thing i'm not allowed to ride immediately, i'd need fucking ladders to get up there ! woah. but the horse's name is taktika, she's a pretty chesnut blazehead with perfect long legs for cross country. the pic only tells half of the truth so i will see how she really is on tuesday ^^ can't wait ! but man... she's so big....... i think i really like smaller horses better than those elephant halves they breed these days xD but we'll see how we get along (me and the owner (found her on facebook......................................... u__u) and the mare ofcourse). on tuesday. yeah. shit i'm starting to get nervous here ! fock.

i'm already love addict

oh fuck. i'm so screwed. here i sit and sip coffee and get nothing doneeeeeeeeeeeeeeee :D weee. must. pack. stuff. fuck this shit.

hooooooooooooooooooold your horses tonight~~

ON SE KUMMA that finnish authorities (i.e. police, prosecutor...) choose to believe convicted criminals with violent backgrounds, rather than totally clean person. ON SE KUMMA. that when the fuckers have CLEARLY agreed together what they'll say in the hearing, the police takes that as the truth. just because their stories are identical. ON SE KUMMA. no i have officially lost the last drop of trust and faith on finnish police forces and any legal authorities. from this day on, shall something come along that would need legal stuff.. well, let's just say i will rather take care of it all my own way.

ogh. i'm so tired and stressed. my mother said some things yesterday, that were not surprising at all, but still they managed to hurt me. oh sigh. this apartment is a huge pile of catastrophy. i hate this. i get so agitated when i have to start using my brains like this. if the worst happens i'll have panic attack. gah.

shit the klock is too much. must go running to rauni's place soon. she'll take me to stables to say hello to my jay and meet with lauri about the stablehouse and the situating of my stuff. fuck i hate this. why can't this all happen with a snap of fingers ??? i fucking just want to relax...

sigh.

i damn near had a fucking panic attack just a while ago. i fucking hate this so much. so so so goddamn much. sometimes i just want to run away and never see any of these people again. would save me and them a lot headache.
right now i feel agitated and would like to get the hell outta here. i'd need to be alone and think (which is really not good but..) and listen some music and fucking cry my eyes out. i don't know. i'll try to push this choking away and fake okay. i probably fail, but fucking same difference.

"katsotaan kuinka kauan tammoilla riittää leipäkorttia"
osui, upposi ja sai tärisemään kuin helvetti. en tahtoisi ajatella heti pahinta, en tahtoisi vielä hajota ja itkeä. lähellä, niin vitun lähellä.
lululla on siis helvetin moinen haava takajalassa, koko jalka on turvonnut ja kuuma, haavasta valuu mätää. ei laske painoa sille jalalle, hengittää tuskaisesti. pajulahti putsasi, desinfioi, antoi kipulääkettä. katsotaan mitä tulee. se vitun topi pitää saada vittuun tuolta laumasta. ammun sen kaakin jos sen saatanan potkimisen takia lululta loppuu elämä. ja ehkä vaan hakkaan sen omistajan. ehkä kevyesti pieksen. ehkä saatana.
ja vililläkin jalka oireilee. oli ollut turvoksissa selvästi tänään aamulla. sanonko että saatana.

lievästi hajottaa, vituttaa suunnattomasti ja tekisi mieli pahoinpidellä ihmisiä. ja nyt tuli olo että voisin taas tappaa veljeni. sen nuorimman. ei vittu tulla lukemaan toisten tekstejä olan yli. ei helvetti tulla. kuulan kalloon tarttis toi kakara. tai ehkä jotain kivuliaampaa joo.