just the place to hopelessly encounter time and then came me

i wrote something down at work on monday because my head was so full of thoughts i didn't want to forget. i think i'll post that here later, when i have the energy to actually go and get that notebook and type type type. right now that's not an option. my head is full of goo and i'm coughing my poor lungs out. it hurts, really.
but yeah. at kotka, i am now. yesterday i was already on a little ride with filly (eve&suvela accompanying) and today again^^ i really should rest and not run around, but i'll be damned if i don't use the once a month times i have with my dear. just have to be careful to not completely kill myself. after all, i need to be back at work by 4pm friday. and fridays are hectic. i'm so gonna die. i kinda wish i'd lose my voice so i wouldn't be able to have the alarmphone xD i hate that piece of shit.
oh yeah. i'm headed to stockholm next tuesday with mimmu and juube :D i don't have basically any money to spend there, but hey who cares, it's a free cruise ! but really what is this, i've never been on a cruiseship, i've never stepped (or sailed or whatever) outside the borders of finland since i was dragged here as a little maggotbaby. and now i'm going on two cruises within two months (the second one will be at the very end of march and that's a company 10 year celebration cruise and fuck it's free too so what the fuck xD). weird.
i feel like going back to sleep. i have slept like a log that sweats a hundred gallons a night. it's not the best form of sleep but well. i need a week or so where i can just SLEEP. not gonna happen.
i'm gonna so die next month btw. while i was sitting in the bus on my way to kotka i had this flash: THAT FUCKING KELA BACKPAYMENT. over 350 euros. due february second. i'm so fucking dead unless i get kela to start paying me some money, so they could take that backpayment from those and give me nothing. either way. i'm so fucking dead. well, maybe not dead, but definitely broke. i.e. i won't be doing or buying ANYTHING on february. yippee.

well now. off to put some coffee coming and take the doggy out. damn, my head hurts.

been here before, couldn't say i liked it

do i start writing all this down?
just let me plug you into my world
can't you help me be uncrazy?

name this for me, heat the cold air
take the chill off of my life
and if i could i'd turn my eyes
to look inside to see what's comin'

oh fucking god i want booze. and i'm so sick my eyes are about to fall off. i hate this situation so fucking much.

new year is coming. i wonder what it will bring.

so let's go there, let's make our escape

i never thought i'd find myself in a situation like this so early in life. yet, here i am, head over heels and can't imagine a life without her. there's a big part of me that want's to run away, run and never look back, before i get hurt again. but this time, THIS FUCKING TIME i won't run. this time i'm going to fight, and hopefully win against my head. i'm fucking scared and doubtful but fuck, all good things require hell of an amount of work, don't they. and i'm willing to work for this.

When dreaming I'm guided through another world
Time and time again
At sunrise I fight to stay asleep
'Cause I don't want to leave the comfort of this place
'Cause there's a hunger, a longing to escape
From the life I live when I'm awake
So let's go there
Let's make our escape
Come on, let's go there
Let's ask can we stay?
Can you take me higher?
To the place where blind men see
Can you take me higher?
To the place with golden streets
Although I would like our world to change
It helps me to appreciate
Those nights and those dreams
But, my friend, I'd sacrifice all those nights
If I could make the Earth and my dreams the same
The only difference is
To let love replace all our hate
So let's go there
Let's make our escape
Come on, let's go there
Let's ask can we stay?
Up high I feel like I'm alive for the very first time
Up high I'm strong enough to take these dreams
And make them mine

oh yeah i've been off work since yesterday. after wednesday i was so dead that aiski and anni kicked me to realize that i need to rest. oh come on, i only like almost fainted a couple of times xD okay, this was needed, the maybe 15 hours of sleep yesterday and today a good night too. i feel slightly better.
today i'm going to kotka. before leaving i need to go and visit goa, get some of my more summerish stuff and take that back to kotka. warmer clothes, i neeeeed those now. autumn began too soon.
and miss my filly terribly...

we are lost, we can never go home

yesterday i was mentally kicking myself within 15 minutes from arriving to goa. for a while it was ok, but then, well... i fucking don't feel like i have a place there and frankly, i don't think i even want that. i'm sick of all the commune life, it just doesn't do any good to me. it's all fun and love for few days or a week or something, but not more. fuck i need an apartment. soon. fucking hell.
PLUS: today at work was very chill, no hurry at all, but i still felt like shit. my head has been spinning the whole day, my vision keeps blurring, my nose is stuffed and my throat hurts. gaah. i think i'm really sick now. whoops. too bad that i can't afford to take days off =)) fuck yeah. a new guy started today too, this some fruittari/amis kinda dude called tomppa. he's ok. boho i don't want eemeli to quit too soon ;____; he's such a darling x_x
but yeah. now i'm lagging at my girl's place and feeling like shit. and cursing that my goddamn salary hasn't come. and it probably won't before the end of the month =)))) fucking whee. must talk to mister mattila tomorrow about this, because i had a spoken agreement about my salary and it was supposed to be paid every two weeks. my bad that i was so goddamn tired and pöhnänen when i signed the damn workdeal that i didn't realize what it said about the payments. and now i'm just fucking pissed off. i'm basically broke =)) yay.
i think i need to lay down now. maybe watch telly or something and try to rest.

i know that it's killing me, and it's poisoning the best of me

how much luck can one person have. my over a week lasting headache exploded on saturday, leaving me needing a visit to hospital... i got medicines which cost a fortune. and sickleave. the doctor thought that it's not a good idea if go to work on monday. and NOW i agree with her, hence the fact that i woke up few hours ago to a feeling of PAIN. my head hurt, my eyes hurt, my airways were feeling blocked and i had sweat the sheets and my t-shirt all wet. nice. so i popped the antibiotics in my mouth and some pain killers and headed to soak myself in boiling hot shower for half an hour. it helped to get some of the slime residing in my lungs and ontelotvity to come out... ah shit i still need to pack up all the stuff i will need since i'm not coming back to kotka that soon. and i need to and visit some offices and my apartment to get bills and stuff out. fucking hell.
oh yeah, as if it isn't all too cheery already: i think i broke my toe yesterday 8) the little toe of my right foot, it's been broken a number of times before so it's nothing new. but it hurts xD i rule the art of FAIL.

fatty fatty fuckin' pigs

my guts are rolling around inside me and trying desperately to climb up and out my throat. fucking sweet. i already threw up once, couldn't help it, but no such luck that this would be over. there's food in the kitchen, spaghetti and some sauce which is f'n good but right now even the thought of eating makes me feel like running to the toilet again. atleast the worst part seems to have passed: i'm not deadly white anymore and not sweating and shaking that much. wtf is this really. i'm blaming the rice i ate something noonish.

i found a band today: The Underneath and their previous project or something Transtic Nerve. both are marvellous. the reason i ran into them is that taste of chaos tour. the underneath was there with despa & muccu. so i just had to check what they are like. and their vocalist is hot..............................

PLUS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ATREYU IS COMING TO FINLAND HOLYFUCKINGSHITSPAZZZZZZZZZZZZMMMMMM !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and mucc is along that ride ! october 12th ! i can treat that as a birthday present for ME. aaaaaaaaaaatreyuuuuuuu~~~<33

A-L-S-O !
why does hiroto seem to have a huge penis ? the bulge in his pants is huge. maybe in japan the small guys compensate their lack of height in other regions ? hmmm.

i think i'll go and smoke one. then lay down, because this nausea is killing me.