there's a dirty needle in your child, haha, stick me

hi just popping by to say that SUMMER COME FUCKING FASTER. i'm on a huge gig mood (shinedown, plz come back guys) and fucking can't wait to see met ! there's girugamesh gig abt a month from now, but i don't think that 'll help me with my gig fever, because well i'm a bit over j-bands. and the fans, oh the fucking disgusting fans. i'll just have to get drunk for that gig. but ! anygays. summer. drinking. warm. sun. outdoors. friends. getting drunk. gigs.

and i wanna go to the u.s. bay area, it's fucking calling me so bad. neone wanna biff me few 1000 euros.

you're feeding your ego with what you can see outside

OLIPA VITTU PÄIVÄ =)))
just had to get that out. 9 hrs and fuck i'm so dead. why the fuck thursdays must be the beginning of weekend hectics ? gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. and i fucking was right to think that atleast one machine will blow up while i'm alone there ! FUCKING RIGHT. today's food saldo is two portions of cheesemacaronistuff, 2 cheeseburgers, apple... bah and it wasn't too much at all. to make this work thing even more cheery... one of my co-workers called in sick, so me and pellikka are pulling a heavy friday night tomorrow, and my saturday's shift got 3 hrs longer. lovely.
but. tomorrow i have a early rise. we're off to fleamarket hopping with nora. can't wait ^^ just hope the weather is decent. like sunshine, maybe ? and on saturday, after i've died a thousand deaths at work (not) we're off to this 80s party. my brains are overflowing already with thoughts and ideas abt what i'm gonna wear, how i'm gonna do my hair and maybe makeup. too bad that i dyed my hair already, the peroxide blonde would've been ideal. but i'll live. because it's FUCKING 80S PARTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEH ! i've been drooling over one for over 2 years now, and that's fucking too long. because 80s is love.
also. it appears i can't afford to go to kotka at all this month. it's gonna have to wait 'till next payday. this kinda sucks, because i miss filly and the kitties and sloughi. but well. i'll live :D i'll just work hard and go riding with takku. heehehee that's another thing i can hardly wait ! i'm going to hop on that horse's back on sunday *__* and after that i'm probably gonna go and have a ride with her every wednesday and friday. bhihbibhibhi forestridinggg<3 wants !

now. i should hop hop and go to lilluskel to the tub and soak myself clean. would sooth my sore muscles maybe.

just the place to hopelessly encounter time and then came me

i wrote something down at work on monday because my head was so full of thoughts i didn't want to forget. i think i'll post that here later, when i have the energy to actually go and get that notebook and type type type. right now that's not an option. my head is full of goo and i'm coughing my poor lungs out. it hurts, really.
but yeah. at kotka, i am now. yesterday i was already on a little ride with filly (eve&suvela accompanying) and today again^^ i really should rest and not run around, but i'll be damned if i don't use the once a month times i have with my dear. just have to be careful to not completely kill myself. after all, i need to be back at work by 4pm friday. and fridays are hectic. i'm so gonna die. i kinda wish i'd lose my voice so i wouldn't be able to have the alarmphone xD i hate that piece of shit.
oh yeah. i'm headed to stockholm next tuesday with mimmu and juube :D i don't have basically any money to spend there, but hey who cares, it's a free cruise ! but really what is this, i've never been on a cruiseship, i've never stepped (or sailed or whatever) outside the borders of finland since i was dragged here as a little maggotbaby. and now i'm going on two cruises within two months (the second one will be at the very end of march and that's a company 10 year celebration cruise and fuck it's free too so what the fuck xD). weird.
i feel like going back to sleep. i have slept like a log that sweats a hundred gallons a night. it's not the best form of sleep but well. i need a week or so where i can just SLEEP. not gonna happen.
i'm gonna so die next month btw. while i was sitting in the bus on my way to kotka i had this flash: THAT FUCKING KELA BACKPAYMENT. over 350 euros. due february second. i'm so fucking dead unless i get kela to start paying me some money, so they could take that backpayment from those and give me nothing. either way. i'm so fucking dead. well, maybe not dead, but definitely broke. i.e. i won't be doing or buying ANYTHING on february. yippee.

well now. off to put some coffee coming and take the doggy out. damn, my head hurts.

come susie dear let's take a walk

i eat too much. no, this is not an "IMASOFATBOOHOO" entry. no, that first sentence merely refers to the amount of food i consume daily (it being huge) and taking too much money that way. what can i really do, i spend so fucking much energy that i NEED to eat a lot. i hate working when my muscles go all woobly because lack of energy. so i eat alot. and that seems to be a problem. okay, it IS a problem for me too, the money part... but i think if i raised my hand and suggested a solution, it would be shot down. yeah.

on to other things. i have known it for ages that i hardly move around at all when i sleep. but it can't be too healthy if i wake up hurting and it takes my body ages to start getting mobile again. oh le sigh.
agh i don't wanna go to work. i wanna go back to sleep. sleeeeeep. fucking sleeeeeeeeeeeeeep. that would be a killer.
fuck. i should have gotten up half an hour earlier. so i'd made it to smarket. fuck. fuck fuck fuck. why can't i do anything right. maybe that's why i like working hard and hectic. you don't have room for errors and the busy pace keeps your thoughts in place. or something like that.
fuck i gotta run now. so much for feeling almost cheery in the morning...

how about a hell yeah ?

the first entry on the mighty year 2009. yay.
i'm still a little sick, but off to work i go today. can't afford to be off anymore. shit, i hope i'll get my salary soon, because, uh, the rent ??? and i'm running out of cigs.
fuck yeah, and so on.

the door cracks open but there's no sun shining through

it's times like these you learn to live again. bohoo foo fighters lyrics. but it's good. it's times like these i also am reminded of how frail this all is.
i just came back home from hippu (a bar/ restaurant near our house), after a nice hangout with some dude named kaapo and his friend juhis. kaapo bought me a tar-shot. damn it was good. i wanna go to ale or some place that's as cheap as it is and drink 'till my head shuts down completely. today i felt i wanted to drink so much i wouldn't even be able to stand up. but it was not possible, hence the fact that could only afford a beer and that combined with the wine i had drank earlier+ the shot kaapo bought me wasn't really enough to get me wasted. too bad. it would have been nice. the bad points of living so far from your friends = no-one to drink with and no place is open later than 2 am. k5-club (which is just a mile or so away from here) is open 'till 4 am, i think. but well... no munny.
that shot got my system wired up way too much. alcohol, my dear friend. lol. maybe i should just go to sleep ? i dunno.

we may rise and fall, but in the end we meet our fate together

still no salary. woohoo. and i saw mattila today couple of times, but he was either having a sales conversation or something as important on phone, or running to a meeting inside the office. and then when the meeting ended he flew out of the door before i could catch him. fooock. maybe i should call him, that should work xD
eemeli got the job ! hail and gongrats to him but it's still sorta sad that he leaves. if his meeting goes well tomorrow, he will start the job almost immediately and will never return to evening serviceeee ;____; then i'll be all alone with the ÄIJÄT and our new guy, tomppa. he listens to suomi rap... *death* ......... ok yeah. he's not that bad. but still, we seem to have nothing to talk about or in common. we just don't click, you know. i get along with eemeli and i got along with juho, ari and santtu too. and hugo x)) too bad they're all gone or leaving. fock. just gotta live with the fact that work isn't going to be so social anymore :D if only i'd just get that salaryyy........

i really need to take a shower now. and then off to visit the shop my girl is working at today. she ordered so. and she also told me to buy mysli and yoghurt. hoho. damn i have no munny. and no food. except that saaristolais leipä. damn it's good. but i can't live solely on that. and fuck. i really need the salary this week. need to get to kotkaaaaaa. fillyyyy oh how fucking much i miss her ;___;<3333333

we are lost, we can never go home

yesterday i was mentally kicking myself within 15 minutes from arriving to goa. for a while it was ok, but then, well... i fucking don't feel like i have a place there and frankly, i don't think i even want that. i'm sick of all the commune life, it just doesn't do any good to me. it's all fun and love for few days or a week or something, but not more. fuck i need an apartment. soon. fucking hell.
PLUS: today at work was very chill, no hurry at all, but i still felt like shit. my head has been spinning the whole day, my vision keeps blurring, my nose is stuffed and my throat hurts. gaah. i think i'm really sick now. whoops. too bad that i can't afford to take days off =)) fuck yeah. a new guy started today too, this some fruittari/amis kinda dude called tomppa. he's ok. boho i don't want eemeli to quit too soon ;____; he's such a darling x_x
but yeah. now i'm lagging at my girl's place and feeling like shit. and cursing that my goddamn salary hasn't come. and it probably won't before the end of the month =)))) fucking whee. must talk to mister mattila tomorrow about this, because i had a spoken agreement about my salary and it was supposed to be paid every two weeks. my bad that i was so goddamn tired and pöhnänen when i signed the damn workdeal that i didn't realize what it said about the payments. and now i'm just fucking pissed off. i'm basically broke =)) yay.
i think i need to lay down now. maybe watch telly or something and try to rest.

come eat some chemicals with me

we got off work early today, all the big bosses left to italy on wednesday, the "lower-class" bosses wanted to get home early so they "kicked us out" 2 pm xD i'm not complaining. because we still get the full day's salary. muahahaha. this was a super easy day all the way. me likes.
but but but. i really shouldn't be sitting here in front of boris... i should hurry and take a shower, then hurry to towncentre, take care of some things and then fly to arabia before 6:30pm to meet my girl. gaaaaaaaaaaah i don't have enough hours in this day........................................................

do the "i love you"

hmm over ten days since i last updated. oh well, most peeps who i know are reading this blog already know that i've been staying at Goa since 18th day. i was really sick for most of the first week here... but i'm mostly okay now ^^ i started working at kataja event/evening service on thursday last week. it's been fun ! and my wrist isn't killing me, yet atleast. i have lost weight, aiski-shi's jeans are hardly staying up when i walk xD i'm glad thought that i have lost weight, and gotten fit. muscles, muscles, i love theeeeem~~~ all the things there i've been trying to fit in my head have caused me some stress and feeling stupid, useless even. but i'm getting there. today i left in my first workhourlist, 7 days of salary i shall await. and on monday i'll get the workclothes, finally. and no orders anywhere, yet. happyyyy !
aisuki is not here today, and wasn't at work, either. she had her wisdom tooth removed and left to lahti before i even got "home"...
agh i'm dying for some salty greasy lardy stuff... and candy x____x *death*

oh well. my brains fell on off mode. can't write anything more. i know i had something i wanted to get out of my system. fuck this. i'll go get a lonkero from the balcony.

in the sudden rain, although you stop again, you still believe in me

i am fucking coming to herushinki on sunday and starting the job on monday. holy shit. things are moving so fast P___P i was thinking that the job would possibly start on the 25th earliest .D not that i'm complaining too much, just need to try and be extra good and efficient on monday and wednesday. monday it's GB Gym martial arts show at 6 pm. bohoho why can't it be 7 pm. and on wednesday my girl lands on the surface of finland 6:10 pm. gyahaha. times times times. oh shit i think i'll be SO fucking beat after the first week 8D thank heavens i have aiski-shi as my sensei there ^^ she'll teach me everything i need to know about that job. she better not be quitting there too soon, no leaving me alone >8( BUT WORK MEANS MONEY AND IN THIS CASE IT MEANS LOTS OF MONEY. just need to check my taxes. the percent and all, i really have no idea at all how that works. i hope i won't have to make too many calls and fill too much papers. damn i hate papers. i hate byrocracy (or how the fuck you spell it dun care). ah shit i can't find that tax paper. shit. gotta search hard. tomorrow's going to be hectic. gotta run to a office after office. shit. shit. shit. AND FUCK YEAH XDDDDDDDDD

okay. i'm shaking. you guys should have seen me when aiski-shi called me. i was fucking sparkling :DD this silly grin still finds it's way to my face. god i love that girl SO MUCH !

today still to stables, ride with lulubell. maybe some dressage. hopefully that biatch won't start jumping on my face, i don't want anything to ruin my mood now that it's up for a change ^^

oh yeah, me and marji kinda agreed that we're going to go and shake our asses next weeks weekend. partyyyyy it is y/y ? maybe xD

voi muna

tahon nyt kirjottaa suomeks koska aivot EI TOIMI !

... mie en tiiä ! uskaltauduin viimeinki laittaa viestii raunille, kesti homokauan psyykkaa itteni siihen, koska en vaan KEHTAA 8( plus en mie vittu tiiä haluuko ihmiset et ees tulisin hesaan, kun en oo bilerintamaan tunkees kuitenkaa. mie en tiiä perkele mitää. väyläski asiat vaa oli sellast yhy syyllistävää sävyy ja pilkunnussintaa ko ei ollu vakiotyöntekijät paikal ollenkaa vaa jouduin sokeltaa joillee jotka näin tyylii ekaa kertaa sil konsertti matkal ja ARGH VITTU. sekavaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. mut ainaki tuli selväks et hei mun raha-asiat kusee rankast ja ne tulee vaan kusemaan lisää. siispä... *selaa mollii* JOTAIN KIITOSHH ELÄMÄ.
tahon juua. lagaa mimbsanpimbsan kans telkun ees ja pelaa pleikkaa ja kirjottaa seikkaluu ja lipittää jotaa "limuu" ja röhöttää tyhmille (read: laadukkaille) jutuille. laatu is us. always.
tai ehk oikeesti vaan jään lagaa kotkaa ja vithy homehun palasiks ja löllöilen ympäriinsä. niinku se vihree öggö digimon joka heittelee liilaa paskaa, mikäs se oli, NUMEMON ! joo. miun tulevaisuus. muahaha.

HABL HABL JA MUUTA KAKKAA >8OO

//EDIT: HABL HABL ! keräkkää miulle kolehti et pääsen naistenbileisii ;____; olis ehk just sen verran täpäkkää mut ehk tahdon syädä jotain vkl :D ITKU POTKU RAIVARI.

HABL HABL !

ainii. i present to you: MY FUTURE !

like gunshots heard against a silent night

Some how I feel like screaming my lungs out, so hard that my head would explode. I feel like something is pressing my chest in and I can hardly breathe and my head spins. Why am I always so damn afraid of getting cheated ?? Well, it's happened before, so I seem to find it impossible to trust that it won't happen again. And there's really no-one I can talk with about this, because well, "news" travel fast and blaaah fuck.
Plus it annoys me that it seems I HAVE TO BE the one to bring myself completely down and into huge financial problems if I want to see people who are dear to me. It feels like no-one else really wants to spend that much money on seeing me. Funny. Not really. Hurting, yes. Just my mind ? Maybe.

So I'm off the cemetery duty. For at least 2 weeks now. My hand is failing me again. And my back. Fucking hell. So much for getting some order in my life.

Damnit I'm tempted not to post this at all or just post a super edited version, because I know that well... sigh.

Gonna take a shower and watch The Ultimate Fighter. My only joys lol.

i can't keep telling myself what i want to hear
i can't just close my eyes

i know that
its killing me
and its poisoning the best in me
what i see i don't want to believe
so let me tell you more
about the lies i lead