hooooooooooooooooooold your horses tonight~~

ON SE KUMMA that finnish authorities (i.e. police, prosecutor...) choose to believe convicted criminals with violent backgrounds, rather than totally clean person. ON SE KUMMA. that when the fuckers have CLEARLY agreed together what they'll say in the hearing, the police takes that as the truth. just because their stories are identical. ON SE KUMMA. no i have officially lost the last drop of trust and faith on finnish police forces and any legal authorities. from this day on, shall something come along that would need legal stuff.. well, let's just say i will rather take care of it all my own way.

ogh. i'm so tired and stressed. my mother said some things yesterday, that were not surprising at all, but still they managed to hurt me. oh sigh. this apartment is a huge pile of catastrophy. i hate this. i get so agitated when i have to start using my brains like this. if the worst happens i'll have panic attack. gah.

shit the klock is too much. must go running to rauni's place soon. she'll take me to stables to say hello to my jay and meet with lauri about the stablehouse and the situating of my stuff. fuck i hate this. why can't this all happen with a snap of fingers ??? i fucking just want to relax...

sigh.

baby, did you forget to take your meds

i'm so confused and having all these mixed up feelings right now. all this mess with things is really taking it's toll on me. i haven't slept like really slept in weeks (heck, it might be a month already) and i'm hurting so bad all the time. being tired and sore makes me kinda moody and i've fought already a dozen times not to lose my temper and explode totally. i keep getting these violent flashes when i get angry, and i don't actually like it.
on the brighter side... well i might be getting a new job. just might. i really hope for the best. i'd make some decent money with that.
and tomorrow i need to go to kotka and clean my app. or actually now it's only the sorting and arranging and packing weekend. my stuff will be moved to the stable yard house, so i'm not totally screwed when it comes getting them somewhere before friday next week. i'll be heading back to kotka next too, maybe on thursday evening or friday, because then it's time for a complete cleaning of the app. i hate cleaning. but it's a must.

wine is good, by the way.

fuck i'm so in a mess right now. sigh, i'll just go and start cooking dinner. and drink more wine. peeling potatoes will be more hazard the more i drink. muahahah vittu.

do the "i love you"

hmm over ten days since i last updated. oh well, most peeps who i know are reading this blog already know that i've been staying at Goa since 18th day. i was really sick for most of the first week here... but i'm mostly okay now ^^ i started working at kataja event/evening service on thursday last week. it's been fun ! and my wrist isn't killing me, yet atleast. i have lost weight, aiski-shi's jeans are hardly staying up when i walk xD i'm glad thought that i have lost weight, and gotten fit. muscles, muscles, i love theeeeem~~~ all the things there i've been trying to fit in my head have caused me some stress and feeling stupid, useless even. but i'm getting there. today i left in my first workhourlist, 7 days of salary i shall await. and on monday i'll get the workclothes, finally. and no orders anywhere, yet. happyyyy !
aisuki is not here today, and wasn't at work, either. she had her wisdom tooth removed and left to lahti before i even got "home"...
agh i'm dying for some salty greasy lardy stuff... and candy x____x *death*

oh well. my brains fell on off mode. can't write anything more. i know i had something i wanted to get out of my system. fuck this. i'll go get a lonkero from the balcony.

when the seas and mountains fall

just finished watching fellowship of the ring extented version. gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah lotrpdgdfjgohidf<333
yesterday horseflies (paarmat fuck) tried to eat me and filly alive. evil evil nasty thingies >8( !! i have bitemarks all over my arms and my legs... riding is no fun for me or my ponny these days, stupid paarmas *hissssssssssss*
oh yeah. i bought this kulta lonkero yesterday, eves recommended it to me :D it tastes just like TEHO ! jollygood. but i still like normal lonkero better. hmm hmm hmm.

i still keep having these feelings of suffocation, anger... feeling useless and empty and ugly. i hope they will pass soon. i really hope.

i think i need to fix up something to eat. can't cycle if no energy.